Guy's Guide to "Making Your Move"

There is one specific social situation in a sexually active, college-age male student’s life that puts more pressure on him than any organic chemistry midterm, whiskey-induced Texas Hold’Em all-in, or pregnancy test waiting period ever could. (Well maybe not the last one, but you get the idea.) This pinnacle of social pressure is informally known as “making your move.”

I’m not making some half-assed sports reference here either. I’m specifically talking about the particular moment in which a guy physically initiates the act of trying to hookup with a girl. I can already tell what a lot of you out there must be thinking. You’re probably saying to yourself that the majority of college hookups are drunken slobber-fests, where the most pressing question is whether or not you can operate a belt buckle. And while there’s no questioning the aforementioned kernel of knowledge, this only lends itself to the assumption that “making your move” is a stressful process that causes an extra element of tension when you’re not wasted due to the complex circumstances surrounding “the move.”

It is because of this perceived barrier that I have attempted to gather all of the historical, social, and psychological knowledge pertinent to this most obfuscated subject into one concise database. And now, I present to you here, for the first time ever…

HOOKUP HISTORY

First things first, I’d like to review a bit of the history of this social standoff. One of the most revealing parts of the history of this interaction lies in the invention of the modern-day couch, or sofa. The sofa has historically been the most popular battleground for men to take their counterparts to “make their move,” and for good reason. The sofa was specifically invented and designed for dropping the hammer on a hot chick: it lacks armrests in between its seat cushions, it has a padded backboard, and it is obliging to the entire spectrum of sexual positions.

The sofa’s roots lie in the ancient caveman ritual of taking a cave-chick to a rock that was large enough for two. You see, prior to the era of the Homo Ergaster, most cavemen took their women to the stream/tree/fire and sat separately. Until one day one of those homos figured out that by allotting a designated area of shared seating, you could increase your chances of procreation.

Through the integration of carpentry, metalworking, and cotton production we now have what is often referred to as “the lounge,” “davenport,” or “love seat.” That’s right, one of its many nicknames actually describes what you’re supposed to do with it! And if I haven’t convinced you by now, I just have one word for you: futon.

So, what this all really ends up telling us is two things: first, the art of “making your move” is a long held ritual of the male sex, and second, the environment in which it takes place is integral in determining your success.

SETTING THE MOOD

Once you understand that a semi-enclosed area for two is where you eventually need to take your horse and pony show (unless she’s into voyeurism, or collegefuckfest.com), we can really start to discuss how to wade through the proverbial murky waters that are womenfolk.

The first and foremost thing you must keep in mind is alcohol. I know, I know, earlier I mentioned this guide was for when you’re not completely wasted, but let’s just face facts people, the addition of alcohol to any situation is going to increase the chances of anything sexual happening. Period. I’m not saying you should duct tape her mouth open, pinch her nose closed, and start pouring grain down her cum-dumpster, but maybe a soft white zinfandel to go with that fish you had for dinner could help you set the mood.

Alright, I’m totally fucking with you about the fish part, but shit, this part of the equation is on you fuckers. Thankfully, and contrary to popular belief, this is not the only way to get into a girl’s pants.

CLOSING IN

After you’ve found yourself on what is hopefully a couch, and doubly hopefully with inebriation shortly in tow, it’s just about time to make your move. Not quite yet though, it’s time to stack the odds in your favor a bit. While any girl who finds herself on a futon with a hearty buzz probably knows what your getting at, these next few tricks I am about to teach you are so subliminal that with a little luck they’ll never even see them coming.

1. The colder the room temperature the better.

The definition of “cold” varies from place to place and person to person, but I can assure you that it’s not a terribly difficult thing to make a girl cold. Usually it’s as simple as opening a window, but hopefully you have some sort of AC unit with a thermostat so you can just dictate the precise temperature necessary for her to seek another source of heat.

I must warn you, however, that often times your female companion will try to quell the problem in a variety of insidious fashions. First, she will ask you to close the window, or turn up the heat. You must insist, at all costs, that whatever warmer temperature she proposes is physically impossible.

Tell her the window is stuck, the heater’s broke, or perhaps that there are gaseous fumes leaking into the room from a meth-lab the police discovered last week in the apartment next to you (and that you were told specifically by medical personnel that it remain open at all times). If she asks you for a sweatshirt, keep with the aforementioned strategy and just plain lie to her. Get creative with it too, because that’s a luxury you won’t always have my friend, and then the next time you’re under the gun over that text message she found on your phone involving another girl and underwear, you’ll be all the sharper for it.

The bottom line here is that a girl will be far more prone to physical contact if she’s seeking warmth, so the colder she is, and the colder you can keep her, the better your chances. Just ask Jeffrey Dahmer.

2. Put on a scary movie.

Of course, it’s possible you’re dating some leather-clad biker chick, an ultimate fighter, or a female bodybuilder, in which case, you’re shit out of luck. Chances are, though, the little lady you’ve got your eye on tonight would be scared shitless of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, any one of the Saw movies, or maybe even something more classic, like Jaws.

Add to the ambiance and turn off all the lights or have your roommate laugh maniacally outside that window you opened when deemed appropriate—as I said before, this is your chance to get creative people, I hope you relish it. All you can induce from this long string of premeditated acts is to cut down on the real estate in between you and your cohort so that when the time finally comes to make your move, it’s all the easier.

BRACE FOR EXECUTION

This can either be the easiest part of the whole escapade, or it can be by far the most difficult. There is a certain air of tension that pervades hookup encounters right around the time of interaction—an unspoken game of mental apprehension and anticipation so palpable you almost feel as though you could waft it around your ambient atmosphere.

Make no mistake, this is felt by both ends of the party involved. It’s in the gentle posturing of a person’s body and face that allows for the initiation of debauchery, but doesn’t necessarily invite it. It is at this point you must bring one thing, and one thing only to mind, gentlemen: “Fortuna Favet Fortibus.” That’s Latin for, “Fortune favors the brave.”

There couldn’t be a more fitting descriptor for the mindset necessary for dropping the hammer on a hot chick either. The confidence you show her in sealing the deal will drastically affect your potential for success, so it’s your time to take the reigns and elicit the sense of assurance that women are genetically pre-programmed to look for in men. A craving that can be traced to the same Homo Ergaster who once showed women what would one day become the centerpiece of interior decorating.

KILL, KILL, KILL!

Once you’ve set the scene, stacked the odds in your favor, and finished guessing what kind of panties she has on, it’s time to reap your reward. And I can only implore you to do just that—to honor the eons of generations of men who came before you who had to make due with so much less.

I can tell you that, over the course of time, the men who have embodied this philosophy, and executed upon presentation in the spirit of “Fortunata Favet Fortibus” have been at the forefront of natural selection. And through this, you must come to realize that it is in the best interest of the entire human race for you to do just that: “make your move.”