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Interoffice Memorandum
From: Dean of Students
Date: 10/8/05
ATTN: Liberal arts students
RE: You've wasted your time
After an extensive in-house investigation into the usefulness of your degrees, the Dean's Office has concluded that all students of the Liberal
Arts program have in fact wasted countless hours, dollars, and brain cells on what was regrettably referred to as their "higher education." The following is the Dean’s
official response to this issue:
English Majors: You have spent years mastering the art of reading things and then writing other things down about what you read, a skill most learn in ninth grade. While
we at the Dean’s Office understand that you spent at least eight semesters earning your degree, we are disappointed to report that you still remain staggeringly
unqualified for any but the following professions. 1) Teaching other students how to earn degrees in English. 2) Living under an overpass and eating the trash that people throw
at you from their cars. So, unless you're the next Shakespeare, we can all pretty much guess how things will wind up for you.
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An
artist's rendering of the psychology of drunkenness. Recently approved by the APA.
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Psychology Majors: Your commitment to understanding the complicated aspects of the human psyche is severely undermined by the fact that you
know nothing about it. Even though all of your friends told you that you'd be an excellent psychologist because "Like, you're so good at listening to other people's problems and
stuff," you're still going to wind up as a middle school guidance counselor. The others in your field who go on to earn doctorates and start their own private practices will
eventually earn fantastic wages. We highly suggest that you find one of those people and try to marry them.
Mass Communications Majors: The Dean's Office is only going to say this once, and we mean it with all of the respect that we can feebly muster: by the time that you
graduate, you'll be steady cruising on the U.S.S. Royally Fucked, heading straight for the popular port city of Unemployment Office, U.S.A. We hate to be the ones to
break this to you, but if you were a good communicator in the first place, you probably could have picked any other degree you wanted, and gotten the exact same job you thought
a Mass Communications degree would have gotten you. Shit, it'd even be a better job. If you are a bad communicator, then our incredible ineptitude, and almost every other
Communications department in the country, has no doubt left you sorely uneducated and frustrated; we apologize for any confusion. We should have told you in the first place
that Mass Communications isn't a degree—it's bird cage lining.
Philosophy Majors: You can eloquently debate the complex metaphysics of reality, breaking down our conceptual theories of existence to the
most basic elements and capabilities of human thought. So can people who smoke lots of weed. And even though yours is a much more respectable resumé than ol’ Johnny
Stems ’n’seeds, most employers just aren't hiring salesmen who are prone to say, "Sir, I'm not selling you a time share, I'm selling you the Platonic form of The
Time Share." Unless your intended career path has always been Smelly, Ranting Bum Who Lives in the Alley, you might want to consider calling up ITT Tech very, very soon.
International Relations Majors: After years and years of reading books, papers, reports, and academic journals about how the U.S. has taken one big stinky dump after
another on the Third World, you'll become jaded and faithless. Then, you'll decide to go to law school, thus ensuring that you'll have at least 3 ex-wives, a 100-hour work week,
and a really big mansion. While most of that sounds unappealing, you'd do pretty much anything for that sweet ass mansion. Also, you're name is most likely Ky Jurgensen.
We hope that this news doesn't come as a too much of a shock to you all. Operators will be standing by at the School of Business, just in case you need it.
-The Dean of Students
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14 Comments
It's really comforting when the first one is your major and the second is your minor...
...and all this time I thought secretaries just fell out of the sky.
Freakin' hilarious, man. I loved this article.
is either one of those ur major? or are u in business ?
oh, good to know this comes from the school of business, where the math classes are doing this "business math" that consists of the algebra of middle school. yes, sell your soul and wear that polo shirt and khaki pant ensemble, you've earned it.
I feel marginally pleased that a major in History avoided the chopping block, but also saddened by the BA in general... well done :)
as i sit in my school library i ponder "what the hell am i doing a BA for?"
"I'm selling you the Platonic Form of The Time Share" . . . priceless.
It was sad when I saw that #3 was my major and #5 was my minor. Strangely though, I do have a good job.
This is coming from the Business School? Check yourself my friend, business majors were, by far, the DUMBEST people in school. Wait, ok, maybe Education majors but Business people were dim.
College is an educational experience, not a trade school, one does not need to spend $120,000 to do "marketing."
Money is important to you [WAY too important]? Fine, then intellectualize your desire for a well-paying job and major in "Economics"- it's Business for people who scored above 1000 on their SATs.
lmao
Business majors can lick my ass. They are some of the least pleasant and unintelligent assholes on campus. It's no wonder most business majors I know either quit and do something fun and marketable, like theatre, or rise to the level of their ineptitude and become Bill Lumberg from "Office Space."
LMAO at all the pissed off liberal arts students here.....get a real degree hippies!!!!!!!!!!!!
You can kiss my ass you fiend you. When you magically get handed boatloads of cash the second you graduate, you can bask in the glory that is the bussiness major. Until then, I'm perfectly happy with my psych major because I know that ALL majors are a joke anyways. Drop out of college, get drunk off your ass and party until you die.
That article was terrible. I suggest taking some of those english classes you disparage so much before you attempt to express yourself in writing. And christ, how can you use business as a major thats practical and worthwile??? Do you know what business majors do? Nothing i couldnt without that same degree.
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