I'm Not a Racist, I Swear

DISCLAIMER: I am not a racist. I like black people.

I read ESPN.com every day. I read it because I love sports. I always stop by the college football section, in hopes that there will be an update on when Terrelle Pryor will announce what school he's going to attend. If you don't know who Terrelle Pryor is, he's a high school phenom. There hasn't been a high school athlete this hyped since Lebron James. I have a particular interest in him because he's still considering Penn State, and I grew up a stones throw from where he goes to high school.

Anyway, as I was checking the college football section I noticed college football freshman phenom Noel Devine was arrested on battery charges. As I was reading the article it mentioned three other WVU players who were also arrested. Their names were Brantwon, Jockee and Eain. The thing it made me question was, why do African Americans always have brand new names? Every African American athlete I read about has a name I've never heard before. Brantwon is a cross between Brandon and Antwon. Jockee is a mix of John and Rocky, and Eain is, well, an alien name. I just don't understand why these kids parents decided to just make up a brand new name when there are plenty of solid names out there, already.

After thinking about it for a few minutes, I said fuck it, I'm down with that. Maybe if the government ever lets me reproduce, I can make up some awesome names for my kids, too. Here are some suggestions.

Jave - Jason + Dave.

Cheve - Chris + Steve

Josechael - Joseph + Michael (pronounced Jose-chael in Mexico)

Patrilliam - Patrick + William

I've already gone through the trouble of trademarking these names, so if I see any black people with these names, I'm suing.