How to Not Get Laid

Everybody is always writing pieces on how to get laid on PIC. The female writers are always giving tips on how to score with girls from their perspective too. I think we all get it. Actually, with all this great writing and these incredibly intelligent tips, I think we’ve all forgotten how to not get laid. So here goes.

Don’t wear pants.

Be that guy that shows up without any pants on. That’s just fucking creepy. If there is a party going on down the hall, pick out a nice shirt, comb your hair, and don’t forget to wear tighty whities. Don’t wear any shoes either, just wear socks. Wear the knee high kind too, but not the ones with the colored stripes, this isn’t “I Love 1984,” Michael Ian Black.

Give people nicknames all the time.

Nobody fucking likes somebody that is always giving everybody nicknames. The worst is when some fucking asshole calls Scott “Scooter.” Those guys NEVER get laid. They call people pal, buddy, and homeslice on a regular basis too. As soon as a girl hears you say these things, she’ll put a padlock on her pussy.

Introduce yourself to people as somebody different every time you see them.

This works especially well with girls. There is no way to confuse a girl better than to tell her your name is Todd one day and Kevin the next. You’re first instinct is going to be that confused girls are easy, but in reality this just makes them suspicious of your intentions. They’ll never fuck you if they’re suspicious.

Cut in front of people.

If you see a girl in line at the cafeteria, just cut in front of her. Make sure to say “xcuse me!” in a rude voice when you do. She’ll be so mad that she probably won’t even know what to say. When she sees you at a party the next day she’ll inevitably turn to her friends and say, “That’s the fucking asshole who cut in front of me yesterday.” Nobody likes a fucking cutter.

Act like you’re six.

Throw temper tantrums whenever you can. If you’re in the elevator with a girl, insist on pushing the button. If she pushes it first, throw a fit, and exclaim how you wanted to push the button. Drink from a sippy cup whenever you can as well. Carry one around with you at all times. Take little bags of Cheerios to church with you and play with Matchbox cars in the pews.

Start rumors about people.

Nobody likes to have rumors going around about them. Tell people in confidence though, and act like it’s a secret. If you just start blurting shit out, people will become suspicious of your motives or whether the rumors are even true. Pull people aside and tell them that a particular girl doesn’t shave under her arms, or doesn’t wash her hands after she goes to the bathroom. Don’t make the rumor something absurd, nobody is going to believe that a girl fucked half the campus. Then again, maybe they might. Make sure you tell somebody that will reveal it was you who told them.

Tell people you banged girls you didn’t.

Nothing travels faster than a claim like this. The girl and all her friends will find out about it almost immediately. I heard that news like this travels faster than light speed. It makes a jump into hyperspace just to reach people. Not only will you not get laid, but you’ll probably get a slap in the face too. If you can, get it published in a newspaper. Buy some ad space and put it in there. You might get sued for slander, but you won’t get laid.

Punch people in the face.

Invent your own language.

If girls can’t understand you, they won’t fuck you. This only works if you don’t have a European accent though. Girls will fuck anything with a European accent. Make sure you speak with an American accent but make the words sound like you’re from outer space or some shit—girls hate aliens. It’s a fact, if you polled a hundred girls, none of them would fuck an alien.

Talk about computers.

Girls hate computers. Talk about hard drives and RAM whenever you can. Tell girls you’re waiting to get your new motherboard in the mail and that you plan on over clocking your CPU when it gets in. Explain the difference between Rambus memory and DDR Memory as well as what a front side bus does. See, every girl reading this article has already stopped reading and gone to do something else.

Clog a girl’s toilet.

This one is great. Not only will it disgust a girl, but it’s fun too. If you’re at her place, ask to use the restroom and take a monster dump. Make sure you use gigantic wads of toilet paper to wipe your ass too. Clog that shit up real bad and then don’t flush. Then tell her you forgot you had a meeting with your lawyer and leave real quick. Also, if you can, break the plunger over your knee while you’re in the bathroom. She’ll be forced to use a coat hanger or something to unclog the toilet.

If you follow these guidelines, you’ll be jacking off more often than any of your friends, only now you’ll have a good reason.