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The Carolla Conspiracy Theory
Posted September 30th, 2005 by E. Mike Tuckerson
As far back as I can remember, Adam Carolla always wanted to be a gangster. Let’s face it: there has to be some explanation for how this guy continues to get shows. He has to have some affiliation with La Cosa Nostra or something. I mean, let’s look at his “career” for a moment.
”Loveline” - Remember this show? Remember how it actually gave some redeeming value to MTV? Here’s the clincher: remember that Carolla wasn’t that redeeming value? Yeah, this show was carried by Dr. Drew Pinsky. Carolla was just enough of an “average guy” to keep things reasonable. When “Loveline” first began as a talk-radio program, Pinsky ran things solo. Perhaps Carolla’s “edginess” is what got the show nationally syndicated. Yeah, and it’s his refined wit that made “The Man Show” popular. I’ve a suspicion that Carolla was asked to host “Loveline” after Dr. Drew engaged in the following conversation:
Armed Thug: We’ve an offer you’d likely not refuse.
(clicks the safety on his gun)
Dr. Drew: Likely? Are there days when I’d “likely” rather be shot?
Probably-Armed Thug: Look. What my associate is trying to say is that we’ve someone who’d like to propose a business partnership of sorts.
Dr. Drew: I’m a Health and Human Relations Expert and a Medical Doctor. I’m not sure what type of “business” you’re looking for.
Armed Thug: I'm saying that you’re going to hire Adam Carolla as cohost of “Loveline.” Got it?
Dr. Drew: Oh. Well, what can he bring to the show?
Armed Thug: He’s kinda funny.
Probably–Armed Thug: Yeah, that’s it. He’s just, y’know - funny. People can relate to him.
Carolla: What do you mean I’m “funny”? Am I a clown-type person here for your amusement? Am I an “otherwise waste of airtime that could be better devoted to static and infomercials” kinda funny? Or am I just riding the hype of media successes like late night talk-shows, home building reality shows, and animated adult humor?
Dr. Drew (to Thugs): Does anyone ever really listen to what he’s saying?
Armed Thug: Not really. Anyway, we’re just doing Mr. Kimmel a favor.
Probably-Armed Thug: Yeah, it was either get him a show or surgically scrape him off Kimmel’s scrotum. I’ve a feeling we’re going to have to do both though.
”Drawn Together” - Ever actually watched a full episode of this show? Ever tried to tutor a pothead in organic chemistry? I’m sure both are equivocally pointless. Sometimes, you don’t have to give things the benefit of a doubt. I can understand what drew Carolla to the show: unemployment brings out the whore in all of us.
”Up Late With Adam Carolla" - All I can say is that if I’m up this late watching Comedy Central, the last thing I want to do is hear what’s on Adam Carolla’s mind. “Tough Crowd” was often too high-brow and scattered-brained for the network. Well, “Up Late” addresses the high-brow issue. I swear, between “Mind of Mencia” and the old-SNL-to-new-Mad TV* switch of a few years back, it’s safe to say that Comedy Central has locked the “idiots-watching-idiots” demographic. I’d say more about the “Up Late,” but I can’t sit through an episode without experiencing precursory brain aneurisms.
I would have listed "The Man Show," but it's already clear the show (like Carolla himself) rode in on the nut-sack of Kimmel and his successful stint with Ben Stein. Maybe I’m being overly critical once again. Maybe I’m just tired of seeing and hearing commercials for Carolla’s upcoming show on The Learning Channel. Maybe I like to end my rants with alternative rationales for my line of thought because maybe I have multiple personalities and a disassociative identity disorder. Maybe I have a gun pointed against my head. I guess what I’m saying is watch “The Adam Carolla Project”…or else.
(As a side note: Mad TV was redeemable at one point. What the fuck happened?)
”Loveline” - Remember this show? Remember how it actually gave some redeeming value to MTV? Here’s the clincher: remember that Carolla wasn’t that redeeming value? Yeah, this show was carried by Dr. Drew Pinsky. Carolla was just enough of an “average guy” to keep things reasonable. When “Loveline” first began as a talk-radio program, Pinsky ran things solo. Perhaps Carolla’s “edginess” is what got the show nationally syndicated. Yeah, and it’s his refined wit that made “The Man Show” popular. I’ve a suspicion that Carolla was asked to host “Loveline” after Dr. Drew engaged in the following conversation:
Armed Thug: We’ve an offer you’d likely not refuse.
(clicks the safety on his gun)
Dr. Drew: Likely? Are there days when I’d “likely” rather be shot?
Probably-Armed Thug: Look. What my associate is trying to say is that we’ve someone who’d like to propose a business partnership of sorts.
Dr. Drew: I’m a Health and Human Relations Expert and a Medical Doctor. I’m not sure what type of “business” you’re looking for.
Armed Thug: I'm saying that you’re going to hire Adam Carolla as cohost of “Loveline.” Got it?
Dr. Drew: Oh. Well, what can he bring to the show?
Armed Thug: He’s kinda funny.
Probably–Armed Thug: Yeah, that’s it. He’s just, y’know - funny. People can relate to him.
Carolla: What do you mean I’m “funny”? Am I a clown-type person here for your amusement? Am I an “otherwise waste of airtime that could be better devoted to static and infomercials” kinda funny? Or am I just riding the hype of media successes like late night talk-shows, home building reality shows, and animated adult humor?
Dr. Drew (to Thugs): Does anyone ever really listen to what he’s saying?
Armed Thug: Not really. Anyway, we’re just doing Mr. Kimmel a favor.
Probably-Armed Thug: Yeah, it was either get him a show or surgically scrape him off Kimmel’s scrotum. I’ve a feeling we’re going to have to do both though.
”Drawn Together” - Ever actually watched a full episode of this show? Ever tried to tutor a pothead in organic chemistry? I’m sure both are equivocally pointless. Sometimes, you don’t have to give things the benefit of a doubt. I can understand what drew Carolla to the show: unemployment brings out the whore in all of us.
”Up Late With Adam Carolla" - All I can say is that if I’m up this late watching Comedy Central, the last thing I want to do is hear what’s on Adam Carolla’s mind. “Tough Crowd” was often too high-brow and scattered-brained for the network. Well, “Up Late” addresses the high-brow issue. I swear, between “Mind of Mencia” and the old-SNL-to-new-Mad TV* switch of a few years back, it’s safe to say that Comedy Central has locked the “idiots-watching-idiots” demographic. I’d say more about the “Up Late,” but I can’t sit through an episode without experiencing precursory brain aneurisms.
I would have listed "The Man Show," but it's already clear the show (like Carolla himself) rode in on the nut-sack of Kimmel and his successful stint with Ben Stein. Maybe I’m being overly critical once again. Maybe I’m just tired of seeing and hearing commercials for Carolla’s upcoming show on The Learning Channel. Maybe I like to end my rants with alternative rationales for my line of thought because maybe I have multiple personalities and a disassociative identity disorder. Maybe I have a gun pointed against my head. I guess what I’m saying is watch “The Adam Carolla Project”…or else.
(As a side note: Mad TV was redeemable at one point. What the fuck happened?)
7 Comments
We're gonna have to agree to dissagree on this one. Adam Carolla is a comedy genius. Now, with the exceptionof the Man Show, I haven't seen any of the shows you mentioned. But Carolla is funny. Point blank, laugh out loud, funny. I think the problem is you may be too smart for him. His comedy really appeals to low brow motherfuckers like me.
Yea, you're all alone pal. His TV shows may not be all that great, but Loveline (the radio show that still airs) is pure gold. Nobody can rant like Corolla. He's best on the spot, not scripted. And considering how much the Man Show tanked after he left, i'd say he did a good job there too.
Seriously guys, your chins are dribbling. Here's a towel. Now, let's look respectable here.
I'll begin with dispelling this Straw Man fallacy. Fact is, i do find him "funny" (as the dialogue indicated). Let's remember that the point here is that his brand of funny doesn't merit multiple network shows, let alone copies of other shows.
Carolla is hardly comedy genius. That is to say he's not "improving--some-facet-of-society-through-sheer-brainpower"-genius. However, I'll give you "guy who invented Cheez Whiz"-genius.
"Nobody can rant like Carolla" (with an "a")? Come on, Mikey. To give this guy credit for originality is to say that what we do here at PIC "groundbreaking." Carolla's input invokes chuckles at best and reads like the knee-jerk response of the Everyman. To give him credit for being "best on the spot, not scripted" is to penis-slap Jimmy Kimmel in the face - and we all know which one is the catcher.
If you were a super hero, you would be superfluous verbosity man. Wrapping people up with your dictionarious tongue that ecretes confusion toxins, you ensure that no foe is in grammatical shape to prepare for your verbal blows. Basically i like the way you use words. Call me?
P.S. Does he deserve the shows? I don't know. His radio is mesmerizing however.
Can't tell if you're doing a poor job of praising my work or a poor job of mocking it. So, i'll "call it in the air."
Hmm. Looks like i'm on offense:
For your edification, Sport, I use a modified writing/speaking technique known as
"KISS (My Ass)"
But maybe i'm mistaken. You took three comments to address my premise yet say I engage in "superfluous verbosity"? I hope you were aiming for multiple ironies. Oh, and thanks for testing the mic here at Amateur Night.
I can't stand Jimmy Kimmel. He's just not funny.
Adam Carolla, on the other hand, is hilarious. So is Drawn Together, for that matter. I even watched the new show on TLC last night and was fully entertained.
Maybe you're just getting old.
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