The Definition of Badass

I know why you're here. You came for your weekly comedy fix, didn't you? Well I'm going to hook you up by plugging the comedy IV into your vein and letting her rip. Follow the little linkies, child. What else are you going to do with your time? Play ONLINE POKER? Try to get a girlfriend? You're so behind the times. Haven't you heard? Everyone HATES WOMEN. So what if you spend a lot of time on the internet? It's fun, damnit. But beware, your friends are going to try to hold an INTERVENTION. Stupid ATHLETES...getting all INTIMATE with each other. What do they care if you waste your entire life away on the internet? Your hair is gray, and your knees wobble when you take a shit or breathe. Yep, that's the DOWNSIDE OF SENIORITY. But at least you can say you died laughing.

1. A badass is a person who just doesn’t care.

He’s the type of guy who shows up 40 minutes late for something and doesn’t say anything and just sits down like he’s on time. He’s the type of guy who gets bad grades but isn’t dumb and everyone knows it. He just doesn’t do his work at all. He’s the type of guy who gets a 26 percent on a 100 point test and hangs it on his fridge to show everyone. He doesn’t do it to look cool because he doesn’t give a rat’s ass what anyone thinks about him. He doesn’t try to impress anyone.

2. Girls have no control at all over him.

A girl calls him crying and he just tells her "no" and hangs up. He doesn’t want to listen to her or anyone else’s pussy problems. He has the balls not to have any problems and he figures everyone else should be the exact same way. He ignores girls who talk to him because he’s preoccupied with a friend or anything else. On his list of importance, girls aren’t even people. When a girl dumps him for any reason he just brushes it off because girls don’t matter. He’ll cheat on a girl with her best friend whether she’s hot or not, solely to piss off his girl because he’s just THAT bad.

3. People dislike him.

Everyone’s always telling him that they hate him deeply when in all actuality they are all just jealous and want to be him. No one truly dislikes a badass; people call him retarded or gay because they wish they were as cool as he is. No one is though, because the badass is the definition of cool. He is highly respected and loved by all. No matter what he’s told, he just brushes everyone off because, as in number one, he just doesn’t care.

4. A badass is an ass.

You can’t spell "badass" without the word "ass." So to be a badass you have to be an ass. And you have to be an ass to EVERYONE or it loses its flavor. He disrespects absolutely everything. He will insult you just for looking at him or just walk up and yell at you out of the blue. He hears people say “YOU'RE SUCH A FUCKING ASSHOLE” all the time. People say they want him dead when they really want to have sex with him. Because nothing's hotter then a badass. I would know of course.

5. Ladies want him.

Every girl who sees a badass going down the street gets hot no matter how prissy or uptight they are. It just happens that the prissier girls don’t approach the badass because they are afraid of him. Because every girl knows that he might just punch that bitch right in the face for disrespecting him or not putting out. This may seem mean to you pussies out there, but remember, badasses are asses just the same.