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Monogamy sucks. Don't get me wrong, I know there are any number of
good things that are involved in a “long-term relationship.”
Unlimited sex, no need to constantly be on the lookout for my next
one-night-stand, companionship, security, a shoulder to cry on (wow,
I sound like a woman), and so forth. The problem is, once you get
past the fact that I am lots of fun to hang out with, and the life
of the party, not to mention incredibly good looking (did I mention
modest?),
I'm really not “relationship” material.
Therefore, in the interest of full disclosure, I have decided to create the
following list so that any girl interested in pursuing an actual relationship
with me will know in advance just what she's getting herself into.
These are...
The Top 10 Reasons You Don't Want
to Date Me
10. I am a heavy drinker.
Personally, I don't see anything wrong with this. However, there are
apparently some who do. I have been informed by my female sources (read: bitches
and hoes) that there are those out there for whom social interactions are not
conducted through a Jager-bomb induced haze over a rousing game of beer pong or
flip cup. Savages.
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When in Paris, do as the Parisians do and cram a bunch of
meat in the buns. |
9. I am a social creature.
How is this a bad thing, you ask? I spend a great deal of time with friends.
There are only so many hours in the day. Hence, any time I spend alone with you
will be limited to sex, sleeping, sex, and the occasional (read: endangered
species) meal.
8. I like fellatio.
A lot. I will demand quite a lot of you in this department. It's not enough
for you to be willing to go down on me at a moment’s notice, anywhere, anytime.
You need to smoke pole
better than half the hookers in L.A. I will expect you
to blow me like it is your job, because, let's be honest, it really is.
7. I like sammiches.
Seriously. Go make me a sammich. Right now. Turkey, ham, American cheese,
mustard, on whole wheat toast. After that you can
give me a blowjob. Don't mind the crumbs.
6. I will look at other women.
As attractive as you are, and you must be in order to have caught my eye in
the first place, you are not the only pair of fun-bags wrapped in a tube
top around. That my eyes will gravitate toward the breasts, abs, and ass of that
hot girl walking by is as natural and unchangeable as Newton's Laws of
Thermodynamics. If I am checking out the skank at the end of the bar, it does
not necessarily mean that I am bored with you.
5. I will flirt with other women.
Shamelessly, in fact. Almost without stopping. Truth be told, if I am talking
to someone of the female persuasion, I am flirting with her. Whether or not I
find her attractive has, remarkably, very little to do with this fact.
This is probably the reason you and I got together in the first place. You just
confused standard operating procedure with actual interest in you as a person.
My apologies.
4. I will not call you. (Unless I want sex.)
If you want to make plans, talk about your day, or hear me say how sexy you
are and how much I care about you, you are going to have to call me. (Let's be
honest, that last one probably won't happen anyway.) If I don't feel like
talking to you, you can leave a message. Don't expect me to call you back. Until
I get a few beers in me and really feel like that sammich and blowjob.
3. I might cheat on you.
Now, I'm not saying that this is going to happen, but it is a
distinct possibility. As you might be able to figure out, I'm not the biggest
fan of monogamy, and there may just come a night when that big-breasted girl at
the Hawaiian theme party responds well to my “What's a guy gotta do to get lei'd
around here?” line. Hey, it's been known to happen.
2. I will get bored with you.
As all rivers must eventually run to the sea, as even the mighty mountain
will eventually be worn down to no more than a pebble, so too will I eventually
grow bored with you. Do not take this personally. As well put together as
you are, and as great as those lips of yours look wrapped around my shaft, some
things are simply inevitable. And there are always other sammiches in the sea
(not to mix metaphors or anything).
1. I have a small penis.
Okay, that one's not really true, at all. But I figured I had to end with a
bang. And honestly, if you haven't figured out exactly how false that last one
is by now, I really don't know why you're contemplating dating me in the first
place.
If all this hasn't deterred you from attempting to pursue a relationship with
me, then good for you, you have remarkably little self-respect. Call me
sometime, I've
always got room for a sammich, if you know what I mean.
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