I vote for the orgy. Your punny (not puny) self is bound to earn a series of adoring ladies, thus spending your rock star capital on a series of groupies is a waste. Plus, with your filmographer skills, you can replay that night as many times as you want/need. This plan, I think, fulfills all your dreams. 1) think of the fodder for future columns and blogs; 2) you could write out a script for the evening; 3) you get to make a movie; 4) be a rockstar; 5) maybe even dabble in homosexuality? I know it doesn't do much for your beard . . .