Question: When is it OK to inflict harm upon another?

Many would say "never," but for those of us who don’t live in pacifistic disillusion, I’d like to know.  For example, how bad does a guy need to be until he warrants a Batman-style kick of justice to the face?  We cheer when our heroes jack the fuck out of the supposed "evil doers," but when does it cross the line from vigilante justice/payback rape to bullying/payback rape?

If there is a line between "prank" and "seriously fucked up," we have no idea where it is.Below are two stories that have riled up some controversy when I’ve shared them with others.  They seem like good start off points for angry, ignorant discussions in the "Comments" section, which, as we all know, is really what the internet was made for.  Granted, those comments may also persuade aliens to never contact such a moronic species, but hey, as a brilliant anonymous YouTuber once said after viewing a Justin Timberlake/T.I. video, "doze bitchh ass beetches fuck shit cunt cunt faggot."

You tell ’em, anonymous YouTube guy.


True Story #1

Bleacher Battles

The University of Southern California (USC) was playing my school, the University of Washington (UW), on our turf, Husky Stadium.  At Husky Stadium there is a student section for UW students only so we can yell horrible things about beating USC players’ loved ones to death and then peeing in their eye sockets.  We can do this because, in case they forgot, we fucked their eyes out.

Good times.

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Just before the 3rd quarter began, a student from USC found his way into the UW student section, decked out in maroon and gold and shouting poorly-rhymed mantras about his admittedly-amazing team.  He was surrounded by 400 UW students, of whom 425 are drunk because the fetuses inside our knocked up girls were also slurring their words.

Before the first minute of the quarter had elapsed this admirably dumb individual had been:

  • Kneed in the head
  • Pantsed
  • Dumped on from the neck down with two cups of various spiked beverages
  • Facialed with ketchup and hot nacho cheese
  • Harshly grabbed from behind by security and escorted from the game for causing a disturbance.

Simply by stumbling into the wrong section, this guy was assaulted, sexually harassed, humiliated, and then kicked out of the game.

Easily one of the top ten greatest moments I’ve witnessed in collegiate sports.  Agree?


True Story #2

The Only Time Assault is Funny

If there is a line between "prank" and "seriously fucked up," we have no idea where it is.  If there is a line between "funny" and "3rd degree assault," we know where it is, and shit on it on our way past.

KimJ is in the bushes.

ToolBag is on the path.

KimJ informs us that ToolBag has been a jerk to him many times throughout his life.  Whether KimJ is lying to us to justify his actions, we will never know, and, quite frankly, do not care.

We are giggling in anticipation.

ToolBag comes in to sight.  KimJ creeps from the bushes.  ToolBag is oblivious.  KimJ begins sprinting.  ToolBag turns around.

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Bam.

KimJ lays him down with an all-out form tackle.

Standing over his stunned body, KimJ points in his face and bellows: "Happy Thanksgiving, bitch!" Then runs away.

What does the ungrateful ToolBag do to thank the well-wishing KimJ?

Chases him.

What a dick, right?


So, what do you think?  Overly malicious?  Justified?  Straight hilarious and who gives a fuck about the moral implications?

Let us know.

Also, I have this book out called The Imbible. I’ve been told it’s pretty funny and has the rules for 101 drinking games in it.  Although I was pretty hammered when I wrote it, so I can’t be 100% sure.