The other day I was robbed (yes, another attack in only two months). This time a $1,500 camera belonging to a very close friend of mine was taken. Not only did I love that camera more than anything (other than my mom and grandparents), but the reaction of the people who heard the news (camera owner not included) was nothing more than outright disgusting.

Not the point… the cruel comments and conspiracy theories people actually spent time thinking about in regard to my stolen camera made me realize just how insane and illogical my fellow man (debatable) actually is. In addition to the MTA employees making a video of me begging them to call the cops while they laughed in my face, Channel 2 opened our borders to Al Qaeda, and a very white woman made and won an argument awarding her "colored status." I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried.

Exhibit A: Airport Security Hires a Dead Guy

Nigerian man arrested at Newark airport securitySince this calamity took place in New York it was covered on our local news, so I had the pleasure of seeing the news clip about 80 times during my Monday night season finales. Now, I’m not exactly sure if this "WTF incident" was upgraded to the national news desk, garnering the same attention as Maddox’s new shoes (I don’t know why every station doesn’t play NYC local news since this was much more dramatic than, say, a farmer losing a chicken in Iowa, but who am I to judge), so let me make sure we’re all on the same page. Here’s what happened: an illegal immigrant stole the identity of a dead man and took over his life, including, but not limited to, working for Newark airport security.

If someone had "one drop" of minority blood, they belonged to that group. So then we have our answer: we are all colored people.I don’t know what part of that story upset me more. First, this is clear evidence that the underpaid 18-year-old trusted to guard our lives doesn’t even know when someone becomes a completely different person. As in, not "Oh, Jack is acting weird today," but "Oh, when did Ol Jack from Tennessee get a Latvian accent and grow his hair back?" Something tells me the changes weren’t so subtle considering the faker had a foreign accent… only making it worse if you catch my drift.

The next fun fact that came to mind was that our news reporters are letting the entire world, including TERRORIST ORGANIZATIONS, know just how unobservant we Americans are… every 10 minutes on the dot. Why is this such a problem? I don’t know… it’s not like the homosexuals and fornicators didn’t do enough to piss off the wackos. Now we’re basically saying, "Attention Mr. Middle Eastern Last Name, all you have to do is shoot one of our current security guards, swap out the cous cous for pizza and the turban for a Yankees cap, and you can be the gatekeeper who leads your homies to their 72 virgins." Awesome. Now the target on our heads also comes with a spotlight which I can only imagine is pretty hard to miss. Bombs away? Idiots.

Exhibit B: We’re All Colored People

Elizabeth Warren describes the "one drop rule"
A little bit of colored goes a long way, people.
A big story on NPR bore the ridiculous headline "Who Gets To Claim Status As A Person Of Color?" which basically meant that people were saying they were 1/24th black to get a scholarship or 3/584th Native American to get casino land. I guess this question depends on who defines a) which colors are actually considered colors, and b) what free shit is being given to said colored people. I’m going to look past the fact that this definition was set back in the 50’s and had a negative connotation (black = colored, white = evidently clear or non-colored, and anything not within three shades of black or the clear people = apparently not important enough to count).

Upon further reading, I realized I didn’t even have to guess the answer to the question since it’s spelled out in the article. Back in the 20th century (so it must be completely factual and valid today) the "One Drop Rule" was put into effect (to rid the clear people of the coloreds, not to give them a lower mortgage rate). This ridiculous rule stated that if someone had "one drop" of minority blood, they belonged to that group. So then we have our answer: we are all colored people. And don’t even get me started on the Adam and Eve bullshit. We all came from monkeys and then somehow evolution (bitch slap yourself if you don’t get it) modified people into coloreds and clears. Drumroll please… so equal rights should really be equal? Hmm…

You know what, I don’t give a shit what color or lack thereof someone is. I judge people based on how they smell, their tolerance for my nonstop barrage of annoying jokes, how much they annoy me, and those facts alone. Oh and if I can borrow their clothes, because I’m still kind of poor.