We’ve all seen it in the movies. We’ve all fantasized about it. Hell, some of us have even gone out and tried it for ourselves. I’m talking about that super sultry place to have sex, that in your mind seems sizzling and amazing, but in reality, because of logistics, is not all you built it up to be.

I’m not saying these places can’t be done, because they absolutely can and have been tested. And I’m not saying that you shouldn’t try them just for bragging rights and the ability to mutter, "Been there, done that" when the location comes up in a sexually charged conversation. What I’m saying is that what you might think would be hot, wet, and wild, usually turns out to be uncomfortable, difficult, and awkward.

Let me just save you some time and many weeks in traction by listing, in descending order, the top ten places sex is highly overrated.

10. In a Hot Tub

'No ducking' sign with a duck and cancel mark
It’s just not all it’s quacked up to be.
Relax people, this is number ten so it has to be somewhat debatable at least. Sex in a hot tub is not only a cliche but also highly overrated.

First of all, I was a lifeguard for many years and thus know a little about optimal chlorinated water concentrations…oh and people fucking in bodies of water too. For instance, did you know that the amount of chlorine in a hot tub is higher than that of a swimming pool? Not just because of higher water temperature and the ease of bacterial growth, but because of the sheer magnitude of germs left behind compared to a swimming pool, due to various activities…. Yuck! Doing the freak nasty in a hot tub pretty much accurately describes the experience on a microbiological level: freaking nasty!

Spa sex is nothing else if not extremely HOT though. I’m talking about raised body temperature, sweat dripping, oh my god I’m going to die of heat exhaustion, HOT. You know how you sometimes get really overheated from hot steamy sex and feel like you might just catch flames at any moment? Well imagine starting out at that temperature and then going at it in a hot tub, thus doubling the heat index. Hot is an understatement!

One more thing my little aquatic delinquents. There is this stuff during sex that actually makes things easier logistically, maybe you’ve heard of it? It’s called lubrication. Well you might think that being in water is about as lubricated as it gets, but you would be painfully wrong to say the least.

9. In the Shower

Shower power handles
Stick it, test it, stick it to ’em!
I know, I’m losing all of you by starting at the top and working my way to the good ones, but that’s how these lists are done. You might think that the shower is a good place to lay some pipe, but ironically it isn’t. Shower sex is difficult at best.

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First, the quarters are usually cramped, unless you live in a house with a particularly spacious shower. Second, it’s slippery as hell and unless you have worked out the whole height differential equation perfectly between the two people involved, it usually means there is heavy lifting involved. Don’t get offended ladies, you ALL count as heavy lifting when it comes to sex. I know women like to think they’re light as a feather but even if we’re talking about a 100-pound wisp of a girl, it isn’t easy to hold you up in the air for any length of time. Especially the length of time it takes to make this shower rendezvous "satisfying" for everyone involved.

Plus, there’s that whole water lubrication issue to contend with again, and I don’t recommend keeping an emergency bottle of KY in the shower for use in a pinch–you just may, one day in a haste to get to class, end up with the strangest hair day imaginable when you grab the wrong bottle to use as shampoo. Save everyone a pulled muscled or a shower slip concussion and just shower together as foreplay, then have sex afterward, then shower together again, then….you get the idea…rinse…repeat.

8. In the Movie Theater

Movie lobby sex.
Let’s all go to the lobby…together?
My parents owned a movie theater growing up and I was the projectionist for a very long time, which means I developed excellent night vision. That’s right, everyone reading this from my hometown, I saw you buttering each other’s popcorn in our theater, and what’s more, you failed miserably at it.

I haven’t found a movie theater seat in my entire life that I would ever classify as "comfortable." So to say that movie theater sex is uncomfortable would be a "Paramount" statement to say the least. It is "Universal" that if you want to make your dinner and a movie date have a happy ending then it is best to leave that for after the show. Movie theaters are not only dirty and rank but do you know how often some kid eats too much candy and popcorn and ends up puking all over those chairs? Gross!

In addition, it isn’t like the rest of us don’t know what you’re doing back there. You aren’t some super sexual ninjas, you know. While you may think it’s all exciting and dangerous to have sex in a theater, you really aren’t fooling anyone and you might as well just take it out to the lobby since you’re actually just exhibitionists at best. "Touchstone" isn’t meant as a suggestion, people, so please stop trying to turn the "Fox" you brought to the theater into a "Triumph" right then and there, thus ruining everyone else’s cinematic experience.

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7. In Front of a Video Camera

Mario sex tape in a bedroom
One night in Paris64.
This is one of those places that definitely falls under "highly overrated." There is a reason actors, actresses, porn stars, etc. get paid to do what they do. It is their JOB to make it look good, and the amount of production that goes into making sex look good is actually quite mind boggling.

As much as you like to think you are all hot and sexy during your "dance in the sheets," you really look like a light sensitive epileptic at a Pink Floyd laser show having a seizure on top of someone else. Why you would want to film that and then watch it from the outside is beyond me.

You know why I know this doesn’t work? Because I have the internet, that’s why. How many sex tapes have hit the internet without the "stars" actually sanctioning their public release? Why would you potentially want to be one of those people? Sure, everyone thinks it won’t happen to them until [insert almost anything here] happens and POW! You are now the latest viral video, forever. Is it just me or do all these internet sex tapes of "sexy celebrities" bear an amazing resemblance to a couple of dead fish fucking in slow motion?

Turn the camera off people and leave this to the professionals, because trust me you DON’T look as awesome as you think you do.

6. In the Car

Carma Sutra book
They might not thank you for rear ending them like this.
Sex in the car is one of those teenage pastimes that is really just about the fact that you can’t possibly be doing this activity at home with your parents around. As soon as you leave home for college, this is also an activity you should promptly leave behind as well.

Parking the Plymouth in the garage may work as a euphemism, but actually having sex in the Plymouth is really just awkward and uncomfortable. I don’t care where you are in the car: back seat, never enough room; front seat, even less room; in the cargo area of an SUV, better, but amazingly hard and not as level as you originally thought. Anyway you cut it, cars aren’t designed for comfortable sex.

Fortunately for you, they invented this amazing thing called a bed that works really well. That’s right, people, if you can drive your car then you can drive to a house with a bed, a hotel with a bed, someone’s dorm with a bed, just about anywhere with a bed. If you’re looking for uncomfortable yet mobile sex then by all means be my guest, but don’t come (likely for the ladies during uncomfortable sex) complaining to me if you end up in traction for weeks.

Continue to the Top 5 places »

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