If there is one thing that gets my "What the Fuck Meter" pegged in the red, it is the advertising world and the insanity that goes with it. I know I just wrote about this a couple weeks back, but it isn’t my fault I keep getting provoked by more and more disturbing commercials. While it is true that most advertising is somewhat wack, there are a select few special companies that make me all out boycott their products due to the complete insanity of their advertising campaigns.
I think what bothers me most is that I know a board of directors not only agreed to pay millions of dollars for the TV time but also had extensive meetings about the excruciating details of the ad. If not ONE of them stood up and said, "Wait, what the hell are we thinking, this is psychotic," then it begs the question, what other misjudgments did they have when developing their product?
So, in the true spirit of PIC, I have compiled a list of the top ten most disturbing commercials, and thus by public demonstration of their insanity, the top ten companies you should certainly avoid.
(Feel free to challenge my choices by posting in the comments what you find to be the most disturbing advertisement.)
10. Mentos: The Freshmaker
Honestly, I don’t really know what it is about these ads that make them SO weird but I think it is undeniable that there is a certain "off" quality to them. I for one have never seen a Mentos commercial that didn’t make me furrow my eyebrows and look around to see if anyone else thought it was as strange as I did. It is like when you meet one of those kids who seems a bit socially retarded, yet you can never quite put your finger on why. Invariably, the reason is that they were homeschooled and you in fact are the first person they have ever actually spoken to other then their parents.
So Mentos, for your undefinable homeschooled wackness, you pretty much have always had my number 10 slot locked up. I can’t quite bring myself to remove you from the list since you continue to make me wonder about you.
9. Old Navy: Let’s Get Campy!
Something about Old Navy has always bothered me greatly. Maybe it’s the really old women woofing, meowing, and acting creepy with young guys in their "Fashion in the Air" ads or their incestuous "Family Fleece" segments. Listen Old Navy, I know OLD is in the name of your company, but that doesn’t mean I want to see suggestive crusty old women, dogs, and young men eye fucking each other.
Also, most people think that families that smile like idiots and dress alike are weird and creepy… why don’t you? I think it’s safe to say that a company is lost when they think it’s a good idea to put a young Josh Holloway, Fran Drescher, a monkey, and some creepy kids in their advertisement. That’s only a few steps away from Neverland Ranch if you ask me.
8. Stayfree: Stay Dry, Stay Free
This isn’t a huge leap for me to boycott this product since I’m male, however, because of the huge disturbing leap in the commercial, I implore you ladies, instead of Stay Free just stay the hell away. I am all for strong powerful women and certainly don’t get all squirrely around blood or the mention of menstruation, but come on ladies, you have to admit this ad is kind of disturbing.
Maybe it’s the crazy super hero to the rescue karate kick leap into the air, the other woman caressing her used pad, or the fact that she puts it back for what I can only guess is repeated use. Whatever it is, this ad clearly demonstrates that more then one person at that company has a screw loose. I do, however, appreciate the microscopic "dramatization" disclaimer in the corner for those who thought this was a real situation.
7. Six Flags: It’s Play Time
Now I know all of you are thinking how much you loved this commercial, but don’t think that just because a song gets caught in your head and loops there for the rest of your life means it’s brilliant advertising. This is essentially no different then a creepy old man in a van pulling up, gyrating, and then asking you to get in for some fun. Someone in a crazy old man mask being associated with amusement park fun is no less disturbing then Sweet Tooth the Clown was meant to be. If you get on that bus don’t be surprised if you wake up in a dark well with someone screaming at you from above in a deep voice, "IT RUBS THE LOTION ON ITS SKIN THEN PLACES IT IN THE BASKET OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN!!!"
6. Starburst: Berries and Cream
Seriously, do I have to write something here? I mean, I know I am supposed to come up with some witty commentary on this but I simply have no words for this ad.
No wait, I just thought of something. STARBURST, YOU GUYS ARE OFF YOUR FUCKING NUT!!! I’m not sure what you are smoking over there at corporate, but I would be willing to bet you all voted and decided to use the advertising budget to buy the "primo shit" as opposed to just settling for the "good shit." Either way, after seeing this commercial, there is no way I am putting anything in my mouth that you guys make, especially with slogans like "Juicy Goodness," "Share Something Juicy," "Get Your Juices Going," "The Juice is Loose," and "Turn Up the Juice."
5. Skittles: Sour the Rainbow
Usually I find Skittles commercials imaginative and interesting, however, it is important to note that Starburst and Skittles are both produced and marketed by Mars, which now I find very telling. This is a company that is famous for its secrecy and argues that due to private ownership, there is no need to account to anyone but themselves. It might be a good idea to just stop eating Mars candy altogether, people, because that statement right there is more then just a little creepy.
I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I got a small amount of joy in finding out that they started the company in Tacoma, Washington and it failed miserably until they moved to the Midwest. Being from Washington state I take pride in knowing that the people there just couldn’t swallow what Mars was trying to shove down their throats. You make me proud, Washingtonians, you make me proud. Now if we could just solve that whole serial killer image thing we might be getting somewhere.
4. Orville Redenbacher: You’ll Like it Better or My Name Isn’t Orville Redenbacher
First of all, my parents owned the movie theater in the town I grew up in so anything that isn’t authentic, fresh-popped "movie" popcorn is a sad mockery of what popcorn should be. Popcorn should be made with coconut oil and butter-flavored salt in a real popcorn maker, which really isn’t that expensive. When you watch movies at my place that is what I will be serving because good popcorn certainly does NOT involve a microwave. So basically, boycotting Orville Redenbacher is a no-brainer anyway.
Speaking of no-brainers though, if you’re fucking DEAD you shouldn’t be appearing in new commercials because that is just downright creepy and deserves an automatic shotgun blast to the face!! What? Don’t look at me like that, I have seen the movies, I have played the video games, and that is exactly what is necessary for survival. I’ve got news for you pal, your name ISN’T Orville Redenbacher because that guy died in 1995!! Orville Redenbacher popcorn will from now on be forever referred to as Zombie Popcorn, spread the word.
3. Evian: Live Young
Years ago this company did their best to provoke me with their mildly disturbing synchronized swimming naked babies. I can’t for the life of me imagine why a water company would associate their water with naked babies swimming around in it. Is that really what you want me to imagine when drinking your water? What else is floating around in that water?
However, I let that shit go. But you had to push it, Evian. You simply couldn’t leave it alone could you?
Well congratulations, you have gone too far with your latest display of CGI baby obsessive advertising insanity and secured a spot at number three. Thank you though for partially clothing your creepy, highly disturbing, hip-hop, roller skating, demon seed infants because having them naked would have just been weird.
2. Quiznos: We Love the Subs!!!
Okay so I don’t know what the fuck is going on over at Quiznos but there is NO WAY IN HELL I am eating there after watching their commercials. Perhaps it was never discussed at your highly demented board meetings, Quiznos, but you’re selling something that you want the public to actually eat. Making a commercial starring what I can only describe as anally-ejected gerbils singing and playing guitar makes me want to freakin’ vomit, not go and buy a sub. Take your pepper bar and shove it in whatever dark hole you got those mutant freaky nightmarish rats from.
Then you have the nerve to do it again, which just tries my patience and proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are completely fucking MENTAL!!!
1. Quiznos: Homoerotic Oven
No, critics, this isn’t a mistake, this company is so goddamn disturbing they managed to land in spot number two AND number one just to prove my point.
The reason is simple: it’s one thing to do something completely crazy, and then try and recover from your error in judgment with a fresh marketing scheme. It is quite another to completely revamp your whole advertising platform and then manage to highly disturb me all over again.
It is also important to mention that my straight up SHEER TERROR of this company has nothing to do with homophobia (I am actually very open-minded) but rather has to do with the fact that they are trying to sell me subs while openly admitting that their workers are putting their dicks in the oven. If they made this commercial with a sexy Asian woman playing the part of the oven I still wouldn’t eat there if my life absolutely depended on it. Remember that old saying, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, go fuck yourself with your foot-long toasty torpedo so those twisted gerbils living in your ass have something to eat other then the shit you’ve been passing as advertising!!"