The Supreme Court Justices gather around the round table for their annual weekly meeting.
Stevens: Okay, it's that time of the year again, Lawyer League Softball! We have to figure out who is going to fill the holes in our lineup.
Alito: Don't you mean hole?
Stevens: Didn't you play on this team last year Alito? This is pussy league ball. We play with 10 instead of 9. Souter and our busted ringer Sarah Palin are gone. That means we have to find a replacement for left field and catcher.
Thomas: Do we really have to do this?
Stevens: Thomas, you are such a buzz kill. We are just gonna throw you in right and you don't have to do anything, just the way you like it.
Thomas: I didn't even want to be on this team.
Stevens: If it wasn't for affirmative action, you wouldn't be.
Thomas: I hate affirmative action.
Stevens: We know asshole. Now shut the fuck up.
Kennedy: What about this Sotomayor fellow in left?
Stevens: Sotomayor is female, dude.
Kennedy: Wow. That is one nasty piece of ass.
Scalia: She'd be a terrible addition to this team. So many balls would go over her head and bad decision making would cost us a lot of games…plus, she's hideous.
Stevens: You're right. That bitch should have been an abortion.
"I'm here now, and there's nothing a plastic surgeon can do about it."Scalia: Nah, she should have been a blowjob.
Roberts: Personally, I don't think we should pick up any troublemakers this year.
Kennedy: Who died and made you pitcher?
Roberts: Rehnquist actually.
Kennedy: Oh yeah. I miss that crazy motherfucker. He was the balls of this team. He was great at two things: hitting bombs and ripping bong hits.
Stevens: True.
Kennedy: What about Woody Harrelson?
Scalia: Nah, that dude's gay.
Kennedy: That's cool because the dude has some dank shit.
Thomas: If you are all about getting high, why didn't you join me in the fight for medical marijuana?
Kennedy: Shut the fuck up, Thomas.
Ginsburg: Look. With me at short, Stevens at third, and Kennedy in left center, we need somebody strong to back us up. He showed mad skillz in White Men Can't Jump so I second the vote for Woody.
Roberts: I guess he's a decent pick. After all, we have something in common. We both went skinny dipping with Owen Wilson. No regrets.
Alito: Fine…as long as the right side of the field gets to pick the catcher.
Scalia: Isn't this shit all about getting drunk and making questionable decisions? We don't have a single hot bitch on this team. Ruth Bader, no offense, but you look like E.T., if he were a scrotum.
Ginsburg: That didn't stop you from jizzing all over my face.
Scalia: You and I both know that was to get your vote on the partial-birth abortion fiasco.
Roberts: Anyway, Scalia is right about this one. We need a fine poon to catch.
Scalia: What about Megan Fox ?
Kennedy: Oooooooooh. That's a fanatastic choice. She's on my cum bucket list.
Stevens: Not bad. Not bad.
Ginsburg: I'd lez it up for her.
Roberts: Then it's settled. Harrelson and Fox . This year is going to be very similar to past years. We are going to play a lot of close games and lose most of them. It's cool though. This is really all about getting drunk and playing flip cup until we cough up blood. All of us must nail Fox and at least one of us is going to have to Tucker Wax her.
Alito: What the fuck is that?
Stevens: Seriously Alito, weren't you on this team last year? That's where you eat 20 hot peppers and then immediately do a girl in the butt. Right before you shoot your load you pull out and vomit all over her rectum burning off all of her ass hair. I got Palin good last year.
Alito: Ugh, there's hair back there?
Stevens: Not anymore.
Roberts: Okay, "chicks and balanced tits" on three. 1…2…3..
All: CHICKS AND BALANCED TITS!!