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As most of you know through my shallow Canadian jokes about my dad,
I am part Canadian. Therefore I wish to make a brief statement to my
Canadian relatives up North. Sorry I couldn't make it up there this
year guys, but the gift basket you sent full of Molson beer and
hockey pucks was such a nice touch. Happy Thanksgiving Canada.
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Since Thanksgiving for us Americans
is a month away, let's focus more closely on the holiday that is
right around the corner. I wanted to get this article out there
before any of the other writers at PIC decided to bash college
chicks for dressing up like angel whores, devil whores, and
butterfly whores. So let me get it out of the way now and try to
justify why girls wear the sluttiest outfit possible on Halloween.
Because we can. Without judgment. Look like....
Strippers.
Halloween brings out the stripper in us all. And guys don't even
complain about it for one second because you know you love it. Even
in elementary school I remember all my little girlfriends wanted to
be sluttified for the national candy festival. But the closest we
ever got to looking like strippers was Ballerina Barbie or Hula
Girl. Except for me. My mom made me go as toothpaste, and instead of
giving out candy she handed out little tubes of crest toothpaste and
mini travel toothbrushes. Who was the coolest girl in the
neighborhood? Not me that's for damn sure.
Enough about my childhood, I'll save that for this week's therapy
appointment. Getting back to chicks dressing up, I hate when you ask
girls what they're going to be for Halloween and they reply with
something like, "Oh I'm going to be a nurse." No you're not. Nurses
wear tight, binding collars that button all the way to the top of
the neck, white pantyhose, chunky white sneakers, and carry around
long hypodermic needles. You're wearing a white mini-dress that
unbuttons down to your navel, and five-inch stilettos heels and a
stethoscope. You're not a nurse. You're a stripper nurse.
"I'm going to be little bo-peep."
No, you're going to be stripper
little bo-peep. Because in all the pictures I have ever seen in my
fairy-tale books, Miss Peep's dress travels down to the floor. Yours
barely covers your cooter. You're not out there attempting to tend
sheep, but rather that other animal that rhymes with rock.
I think all college girls secretly want to be strippers. Seriously,
every time we see a flagpole we want to wrap our legs around it and
swing from it more graceful than a well-coordinated monkey. Guys
have to scratch their butt, we have to swing on poles. While chicks
can heel the urge to do a poll dance in public, guys can't stop the
butt scratching urges. Especially the one guy at the dining hall
that likes to scratch his butt, sniff it, then spend 10 minutes
picking out the perfect tomatoes.
Again I go into weird tangents. All
the girls at work decided to do a Moulin Rouge theme at work this
year for Halloween, but none of them wanted to spend bucks on a
costume. It will be interesting to see what they wear to pass off as
children of the revolution using only clothes from Forever 21 and
American Eagle.
While chicks wear outfits that double as stripper, guys costumes are
always either super creative or super lame. It's either drag queen
or sports player. I hate it when hockey players get dressed up in
their jerseys and go to a party as hockey players. How fucking lame.
Chicks are dressing up to get laid kinky-style and you throw on a
smelly shirt? Where is the fairness
factor there? Non-existent, and I guess it's because most sport
players never really have to try to get laid anyway. Especially
hockey players. Especially on this campus. Actually on every campus
come to think of it.
Cheap shot.
Anyway, my favorite costume on guys is when they dress up like
women. Men love to be in drag. It's best watching a frat guy dress
up in a French Maid costume and attempt to walk around in heels.
There he is, barely able to squeeze into the dress, his wang falling
out the side, the feather duster in one hand, and a beer in the
other. It's quality. But then there's the guys who throws a garbage
bag over his head, cuts out a whole, and calls himself a douche bag.
Yeah baby, you are a douche bag alright. In more ways that one. What
am I going as you ask? A cop. I mean a stripper cop. I doubt the
local prescient would find it acceptable that my ass is falling out
of my uniform, and frankly, neither would my Canadian family. Happy
Halloween.
Update (10-29-04):
Calling All Strippers!
p.s.
Get a Halloween
costume here before you forget!
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