I know what you’re thinking folks: "Isn’t just reading a Nick Moose brand column reward enough? Do you really feel it’s necessary to have to throw in prizes to sweeten the deal?" But here at Nick Moose® we pride ourselves not only in bringing you Nick Moose’s view a good 15% more accurately than any other column, but also in our ridiculously unnecessary over-the-top promotional gimmicks.
The first such campaign was my "Rippable Dippable" column a few years back, which came with various flavored sauces you could dunk it in. One of the flavors was of course "Me" and the catchy slogan was, "Now you don’t have to come all the way over to his apartment to get a big creamy mouthful of Nick Moose!"
I already tried boner pills as a promotional stunt once before and my winky is still throbbing. As successful as that stunt was, I’m switching it up this time. What with my recently joining the ranks of Points in Case and all, and since it is Summer, I thought it was high time to team up with my old friend the Kool Aid Man to bring you folks "The Nick Moose Bitchin’ Crap Factory!"
And I promise that’s not a clever pseudonym for my butt.
You see, for those of you whipper snappers who only know the Kool Aid Man from his Family Guy appearances or that Dane Cook person, it’s important you learn something of the rich history behind the red fellow. He didn’t just explode through walls and offer refreshing beverages, he also had an enormous "Wacky Warehouse" filled with garish anthropomorphic sporting goods and terrifying monkey bell hops. I swear to god—watch this commercial on YouTube!
You used to be able to save up the Kool Aid points you could scissor off the back of packages and send them in to earn fun…well, they were prizes anyway.
One time I had enough points collected to order an infinitesimally small plastic replica Kool Aid Man exactly one third the size of a "Monster in my Pocket" and it only cost me twenty five hundred thousand points! Needless to say I was stoked, and now you will be too, because you can earn Nick Moose-related prizes that are at least two times as exciting as that!
"Ok, that’ll be 150,000 points for the picture, and 2 million points for the blowjob earlier."But I can already hear the bemoaning masses: "How do we order? We don’t have any bitchin’ Nick Moose points!" Fear not fans, I have a plan. And it’s a plan that promises to finally "put the points in Points in Case."
All you have to do is get your parents’ permission to go online (something you’ve clearly already done), print out a bunch of my columns, and cut out the cute-as-a-button postage stamp-sized pictures of my head that accompany each one.
Then send a self-addressed, stamped envelope with as many headshots of me as you can to the Dairy Queen where I work. I would give you the mailing address to send them to my own place of residence, but that would be like saying, "Hey you! All my countless stalkers! Why don’t you come on over to my house! Then after drugging me and secretly switching my PEZ with boner pills (so I stay fully erect even though I’m unconscious), just rape the bejeezus out of me!"
I mean, I already tried that as a promotional stunt once before and my winky is still throbbing.
Now then, here’s a list of the SIX BIG PRIZES I’m offering and what you have to send me to get them. DISCLAIMER: Unlike the Kool Aid Man, I only have one of each of some of these items so whoever orders those first will be the lucky recipient.
ONE OF MY OLD PAIRS OF CHUCK TAYLORS I MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE THROWN UP ON: 25 Points
The official kicks of Nick! Still wearable in certain situations!
MY VHS COPY OF PROJECT METAL BEAST DNA OVERLOAD: 40 Points
A timeless cinematic classic starring that guy that used to be the bad guy on The Secret World of Alex Mack.
THE BOOK OF GNOMES: 41 Points
An impossibly long and ridiculously detailed history of gnomes. One of my drinking buddies stole it from the library and left it at my house. Tons of illustrations of gnomes! Some of them naked!
MY CAR: 50 Points
My legendary, only slightly under a decade old Toyota Corolla, "The Twisted Wagon!" Still drivable! Still mostly technically a car!
SEX WITH ME: 1 Masturbation-Worthy Pic of Yourself
Something for the ladies!
ME: 1 Masturbation-Worthy Pic of Yourself and a Ham Sandwich
That’s right, for this paltry sum, some lucky gal of my choice can have me. A studly 20-something column-composing machine with the sex drive of a post-pubescent mastodon. And a collection of PEZ dispensers just as big.
Remember, this offer expires whenever I feel like it. Offer void in states where prohibited by law.