Nathan: I have to write an article on cunnilingus.
Beth: Of course you do.
Nathan: The people have spoken.
Beth: When are you gonna grow up?

cunnilingus-eat-out.jpgYou people, my readers, are absolutely unabridged freaks. There is literally no audience on planet Earth like you guys. I have received emails and comments requesting, nee demanding, that I write an article on cunnilingus (eating pussy, for those of you inclined to vulgarity). And well, sometimes you just got to give in to the demands. Especially when those demands come from people who may be prone to random violence and stalking. So here we go.

First, my personal stance on cunnilingus. I always do it. Especially when it’s my first time with a chick. You see, when gauging the female personality, the male simply must keep in mind how well the poon is maintained. It’s important to go down on females to make sure that they are the kind of females worth going down on again. So ladies, keep that in mind. Smart men always want to sample what they may eventually rent (you cannot own pussy in the 21st century–it’s in the Patriot Act).

Second, we could spend some time discussing exactly how to eat out a woman. We could go into detail about how some women like the clitoris to move rougher than others (though all want that thing moving quickly), and we could even get detailed about blowing hot air, cold air, using ice, even whistling while you’re down there (more fun than it sounds, actually). But instead, I think we need to keep this basic because, as I may have mentioned, all women are a little different in their preferences. So in keeping with the idea of keeping it basic, I will just tell you men this: find the clitoris and move it as fast as you can with your tongue. You don’t want to spend your cunnilingus time exclusively on the clitoris–you want a little foreplay before you get to it (well, you don’t actually want it but she does and that’s kind of the same thing) and of course, you must make sure that you get her nice and sopping wet–but since you probably need something to focus on, make it the clitoris.

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Now, for most of my sexual experiences, cunnilingus is very much just a precursor to the actual act of sex. In those rare cases where it is the only sexual act of the night (like after a recent penis injury, Chlamydia outbreak and/or general exhaustion), you must remember that your jaw will clench up, your tongue will stiffen, and you may lock your neck in an awkward position. Do not complain about this or you may never get another blowjob from that chick again.

Now, many men will tell you that you do not need to go down on a woman to satisfy her and therefore you should never do it. Many older male members of our society even think that a man who goes down on a woman is weak. These stereotypes must be shunned and disregarded. Oral sex is awesome when it’s done right. And I think everyone on this planet deserves more of it. Oral sex makes the world a better place, like sprinkles. Therefore, much like sprinkles, it should always adorn the big pile of ice cream that is powerfully awesome sex.

Man, I can’t believe you guys really wanted this article.

So, what have we learned thus far? Well, almost nothing. You now know my personal stance on cunnilingus, general application methods, and why we should aspire to create more of it in our wondrous society. So what’s left?

Oh yeah, a message to the ladies.

Ladies, you must communicate your cunnilingus desires. One of the girls I dated who had a clit ring used to get very mad when I pulled on it with my teeth. Another one of them practically demanded it. We men have no idea how hard or soft you want your clit ring pulled so give us a little direction here. Not all of us are completely well-versed in the way of the clit ring. Much like adapting to new technology, we will have a learning curve. Just saying.

Oh, and one more thing, thanks for keeping your kitty nice and groomed. In the words of the great Chris Knight, “It is a moral imperative.”

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