>>> The Lady’s Shave
By staff writer NG Hatfield
January 14, 2007


“Yea,h this song is dedicated to all the Guns n’ fuckin’ Roses fans who stuck with us through all the fucking shit and to all those opposed… Hmm… Well?”
-Guns N’ Roses, “Get in the Ring”

Ted: Okay, if we were a historical general, where would we go?
Bill: Water Lube.

Much like your average global warming nutcase, I made the mistake of making claims without any knowledge of the truth. I took common fallacies and made them my own opinion. I was a fucking idiot, you see; when not a week ago I thought rock ‘n’ roll was dead.

The story goes like this, my friends: I was driving home last week (an hour drive). After I learned, regrettably, that I had forgotten my tape deck in my room to hook my iPod in, I simply turned on the radio. What I heard was the piteous melodies and awful lyrics of a band called Puddle of Mudd. At first, I thought, “What a fucking Silverchair ripoff,” and I changed that station. On the next station, I heard a song by Nickelback. On another, Staind. On others, shitty pop, rap and country.

“If you don’t know who Winger, Vinnie Vincent Invasion, or Night Ranger are, then you’re a fucking 80s poser.”

My sister, who was in the car, could care less as to the lack of good rock and insisted I keep that Fergielicious song on. At that time, had I a gun, I would have shot myself in the dick. “Love in an elevator” was that shitty music.

So, during my stint at home, I would sit in my room and ponder the fate of my beloved rock ‘n’ roll. I watched Wayne’s World and both of Bill and Ted’s adventures with pure envy of the rockin’ generations. Eventually, I became sick; I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep. So, instead of being an emo kid and crying about it in my diary, I set out to find the corpse of rock ‘n roll. What I came to find was quite on the contrary.

Here are a few reasons why rock ‘n’ roll ain’t just noise pollution. And as fans of rock ‘n’ roll, “We’re not gonna take it.” Har har!

Every Genre has Bands that Really, Really Suck

It’s true. There will always be commercialized bands in a genre. There have been since the invention of the wheel. The stark reality is: some bands are for musical intellectuals, and some are just for complete idiots (Linkin Park). Usually the ratio is about 1:45, but luckily, there is always a good band somewhere in the genre. This works out for the music intellectuals on two levels. One, the money they make from idiots provides record labels enough revenue to expand and approach more unusual bands. Two, the fact that these idiots exist creates an air of deserved superiority when talking to them at parties. That is, if you’re discussing the better Van Halen band with two idiots, it’ll be obvious when they say something stupid about Sammy Hagar that you’re much better than them.

For clarification purposes, here is a brief list of musically intellectual bands: Led Zeppelin.

Here is a brief list of common idiot bands (this does not negate musical talent by any means, it just simply means that any testosterone-filled young man would listen to this band and enjoy it): KISS.

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Having commercialized music also drives invention, after many artists become frustrated with a genre when their little sister listens to their CDs.

I’ll never forgive you for ruining Weezer for me, Ash.

Throwback Bands

With the invention of the distortion pedal, it is now possible for bands to distort their music to the point of matching the shitty quality of recording in the 1950s. One cannot deny the enjoyment of the simplicity and rocking riffs of bands like The Black Keys and The Willowz.

Guitar Hero

By not only picking songs that the public would enjoy because of prior knowledge, but also because of the music quality of lesser-known bands, the boys at Guitar Hero have successfully shown that video games can be rockin’ too. I never said the commercialization of rock was a totally bad thing. Just remember that this game will consume your social life after you touch one button. Warn your family, friends and girlfriend before playing. You’re going to become a loser. A rockin’ loser though. Sort of like… Beck, I guess.

Aussie Rock

Apparently, the fact that Australian culture is twenty years behind ours is quite beneficial in the realm of music. The bands Jet, Powderfinger, and to a lesser extent Gob, have all kept rock ‘n’ roll safe in the land down under. Men at Work would be proud… if they were alive….?

The Grunge Rock Revival

I’m calling it: Within the next 6 years, it’s gonna be cool to be a grunge rocker again. Bands like STP, Nirvana and Soundgarden disappeared too quickly for the public. We’ve been abused and left standing in the proverbial rain; now, much like a freshman girl who just can’t get enough of that guy she met once at the bar who ignores her completely, we’ll be coming back for more. And who can expect those nutty phone calls?

Superbands

So take Chris Cornell, Scott Weiland, that guy from Filter, a few fucks from RATM and Guns ‘N’ Roses, mix them up, give them a little heroin, take it away and voila! You’ve got a rock ‘n’ roll orgy of delight. Of course, the historical/reminiscent side of me has to admit that these superbands aren’t nearly as cool or good as their predecessors, but it’s better to have a bird in hand than 100 Bush (the band, fucker).

Air Guitar

Enough said.

Or wait…. Fuck techno.

Rap: It Sucks

Rap will die. Rap will die like blues died. Like disco died. Like techno will die. Like any other basically African American movement. Not because it is from them, but because white culture adopts it and twists it. Sure, you can make the argument that Chuck Berry and Company started rock ‘n’ roll, but don’t forget that we co-opted that shit as ours within a few years. Rap, blues and the like took decades. Black people didn’t have the chance to identify directly with rock ‘n’ roll as they have rap. On behalf of the white race… sorry black people.

80s Music Posers

If you don’t know who Winger, Vinnie Vincent Invasion, or Night Ranger are, then you’re a fucking 80s poser. That doesn’t matter. The point is, you, as a poser, allow the spirit of rock ‘n’ roll to live on. Sure, you think Def Leppard’s best song is “Pour Some Sugar on Me” when obviously it’s “Armageddon It” (if only for the simple reason that they use it as a pun). Sure, you request fucking Phil Collins at my regular bar; sure, you don’t know a lick of shit about rock, but you still keep it alive. And yeah, Foreigner is okay.

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Rock: It’s So… Big

Society has always tried to make as much money as possible. Take a look at cable TV (if you’re not poor, you can); if you’re a golfer, there’s the fucking GOLF channel. If cooking is your bag, I’m sure there’s shit on TV for you, too. The point is, each channel has its own sponsors. Basically, these channels are on TV because they make money. Think of this in relation to rock genres. Everything from Nickelodeon Rock (Sum 41) to Hardcore (HIM) can be accessed easily on the wonderful internets. If you’re just lookin’ for some “Tush,”or you’re just the “Stairway to Heaven,” you’ll be “Lovin’ Every Minute” of illegal downloads. And that’s a motherfuckin’ FACT!

In Conclusion

The point I’m trying to make here is that rock ‘n’ roll won’t never die. As I said before, even with immensely commercialized music pumped into our faces like too much smelly semen, the frustration caused to us real rockers will always bring new music to the table. Furthermore, the combination of guitar, bass, drums and vocals are endless. Throw in a harmonica if you want, for fuck’s sake. It doesn’t matter.

In short, I’m not saying that you have to be an indie rock bitch to enjoy great rock ‘n’ roll. You just have to know where to look. You just have to know how to party. You just have to know when to let it all hang out and get rocked.

The only question is, do you wanna get rocked?

Note: I figured I should put up or shut up, so here’s a list of songs that iTunes registered I listened to during the writing of this article.

The Willowz – Equation #6
The Sword – Freya
The Black Keys – Thickfreakness
GnR – Sweet Child of Mine
Primus – My Name is Mud
AFI – Dancing Through Sunday
The Verve Pipe – Freshman
Nirvana – Lounge Act
STP – Glide
The Pretenders – Brass in Pocket
Def Leppard – Rock On
The Dandy Warhols – Sleep
STP – Pop’s Love Suicide
The Cult – Wild Hearted Son
Temple of the Dog – Times of Trouble
Alice Cooper – Feed my Frankenstein
AC/DC – For Those About to Rock
The Music – Take the Long Road and Walk It
The Who – Magic Bus

Before you go, why not join the Corn is my Gravy Facebook group. I don’t know this guy; I found this group completely and randomly one drunk night. I think he’s a total fucking idiot, as we all know that gravy is a wonderful topping, but I bet with enough sarcastic comments, he’ll eventually kill himself, allowing us gravy supporters to go on unabashedly into that good night.

Goooooooo America.

This article is dedicated to all the Nick fuckin Gaudio fans who stuck with me through all the FUCKIN’ SHIT. AND TO ALL YOU OPPOSED? Well?

Thanks for reading.

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