I Should Have Been a Marriage Counselor

Recently, I had a conversation with an old friend of mine—one of those tangential conversations that bounces from topic to topic without segue or reason. These conversations usually happen when people are trying to catch up with one another and don’t have the time or inclination to go into details. As we were catching up, we learned that we knew roughly six people apiece who were already divorced and weren’t yet 30.

Now, we all know that divorce is an ugly but sometimes necessary thing. And since it’s generally just dumb to blame the people in the 60% of marriages that end in divorce for the downfalls of their collective relationships, obviously, there is something wrong with the institution of marriage.

And so, because I am equal parts hard hitting journalist, private investigator and motherfucking Batman, I decided to do a little research in an effort to discover exactly how we as a culture can save the institution of marriage. And by save, I mean, totally alter so that no one would ever even consider leaving their spouses.

"To keep a marriage together, we have to accept that cheating happens."

Aren’t you glad I’m here?

The following is a list of marriage pet peeves that need to be changed so that couples will stay in the same damn house and raise their stupid, goofy kids to be decent enough adults to respect the fact that I do not, under any circumstances, want to hear about their psychoses.

Oh, and in case you’re wondering how I’m qualified for this, rest assured that I am not.

People cheat. And not just on the Patriots. Cheating has been around for a long time. I think it even predates pizza. That being said, I don’t think anything can really be done about it. So we should just accept it and move on. I mean, just because a man cheats on a woman does not mean that he doesn’t love her; it means that she closed the blowjob shop down shortly after the vows were vowed. If the woman doesn’t want sex, that’s fine. But she can't blame the man for going elsewhere.

Furthermore, if the woman is unsatisfied sexually, she also has the right to go fuck whoever she wants. The problem here is that women have a problem separating sex from their emotions (they’re silly like that). So if the woman feels a need to go elsewhere, it probably has everything to do with the man being a lazy, fat slob who looks nothing like the man she married. Or perhaps he uses too much cocaine. Or doesn’t make enough money. Whatever it is, to keep a marriage together, we have to accept that cheating happens and just get the hell over it. Kind of like the NFL did.

Men, you’ll need to make more money. I don’t care what you do or how much money you make, she wants more. So work harder, ya slob.

Women, you’ll need to understand that the better your man provides for your livelihood, the more often you should suck his dick. Or let him cheat on you. You know, whichever you prefer (I’m not here to tell you what to do).

Alcohol and alcohol consumption can have a negative affect on a lot of families. It’s hard for two parents to keep a family together while one of them is sloppily pissing on Grandma at the family reunion. So if your spouse wants you to stop drinking, you should probably ease up. After all, you’re a family now. And you rarely see groups of families hanging out at the bar (outside of Cleveland anyway). There’s a reason for this. And that reason is a simple one: drunk people have a hard time driving, let alone explaining to their 5-year-old why sometimes Daddy and Mommy have to get smashed and throw shit at each other.

Parents who use drugs have children who use drugs. Husbands who use drugs usually don’t have wives who use drugs though. So either you people need to all get on the same page or just get the hell away from each other occasionally so you can use your drugs. If you decide to keep the partying going on well into your marriage, you should probably hire the occasional babysitter. Ripping lines of yak off the bathroom toilet is not something that will improve your disposition towards your family, trust me on that.

Ownership Issues

Just because you married another person does not mean that you have the right to tell that other person how to live. If you don’t see eye to eye on an issue, there’s a surefire way to handle the problem: shoot me an email.

Because I know everything.

Divorce isn’t the huge problem that everyone makes it out to be. It’s not ruining the fiber of our culture or even messing up the children of America—at least, not in every case. But divorce is a huge pain in the ass and a constant reminder that people really suck—even the ones you love.

And that’s why a good spouse will make sure that his or her counterpart is sexually satisfied, appropriately wasted, free to make their own choices, and well fed and provided for.

Oh yeah, and you shouldn’t hit the bitch, either. That’s just wrong.