And some people have even gone so far as to say I have a problem. Some people
say that I have to be drunk—that drinking is not some choice of mine. They call
me an alcoholic.
What a dirty, dirty word.
Some of these finger-pointing folks, after accusing me of pulling a jihad on
my future via excessive consumption of alcohol, will then attempt to set me
straight by offering their personal wisdom. Unfortunately, these people tend to
be either very boring and responsible (i.e. married with kids) or they tend to
be straight-up assholes, so their opinions should be discounted because, in the
case of the former, they live different day-to-day lives than me and in the case
of the latter, they are assholes.
"People say that alcoholics let drinking affect their lives.
Folks, I let baseball games affect my life."
Nevertheless, ever the more,
so on, so forth, so what and So Taguchi, there may very well be a
such thing as alcoholism. I’ve heard it happens to a lot of people
and,
after careful thought and research, I think I have discovered
how to actually define an alcoholic. I’d tell you right now, but I’m
going for at least five hundred words here.
I’m dedicated.
In an attempt to both define alcoholism and extend this column we will look
at some of the common misconceived definitions of alcoholism. We may not want to
look, but we should. If for no other reason than because we are still sober
enough to read and should capitalize on that opportunity.
People say that alcoholics let drinking affect their lives. This is a vague
and stupid statement. Folks, I let baseball games affect my life, I let stupid
fake-breasted whores affect my life, I let Jesus affect my life, and I let the
words of Hall of Fame broadcaster Vin Scully affect my life. What can I say? I’m
affectatious (it’s my column and I can make up all the words I like, so there).
And other people say that alcoholics are people who get upset when they can’t
have a drink. Folks, I get upset when I can’t see a baseball game, when I can’t
fuck a stupid, fake-breasted whore, when Jesus tells me I can’t sleep with
16-year-old girls and when Vin Scully doesn’t broadcast a game because he
doesn’t travel with his team. What can I say? I get upset.
Still some people say that
alcoholism is defined by whether or not the person in question has a
physical dependency on alcohol. Folks, I have a physical dependency on food, sex
and warm weather, but no one’s ever called me an addict (for those dependencies,
anyway).
No, the definition of alcoholism is much simpler than that.
It’s so simple in fact, that naturally only a simpleton like me could figure
it out.
Are you ready for it? ‘Cause here it is.
A person is an alcoholic if and only if they regularly decide to get drunk
instead of living up to their responsibilities. If drinking is more important to
them than being a good human, then they are alcoholics.
It is that simple.
So if you want to avoid being an alcoholic and you are single, just finish
doing every responsible requirement you have and then get wasted. As a result,
you may become physically addicted, you may get upset when you can’t have a
drink and you may pickle your liver, but at least you’ll have something to look
forward to at the end of the work day.
Man, it is so fun solving your problems.
Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s time to go
counsel the crackheads.
