Get Polite, Bitches

There is one great reason on this planet to be polite: if you are not polite, Hannibal Lecter will eat you. And no one wants that. There are
many other reasons to be polite, but none are more important than the fact that polite people, put simply, get laid more than other people. Also, please do not confuse
“polite” with “pussy.” Polite does not mean you let the guy step on your shoe; it means you use the word “sir” before you kick his ass.
But I’m getting ahead of myself.

"If I say to a woman, 'I love the way that dress makes your vagina look' in a soft and gentle voice, she will take it as a
compliment."

I’ll spare you further details of why you need to be polite. Chances are, if you don’t know why you need to be polite,
you’re probably a helpless asshole anyway and no internet column (however award-winning and fantastic) will ever be able to help you. So, we’ll just finish
skimming over the “why” and move on to the “how.”



There are three major things to keep in mind when attempting to be polite: body language, tone of voice, and choice of words. Let’s explore them, shall we?



Well, come on.


Choice of Words

Whether you are speaking with a date, spouse, sexual partner, prostitute, waiter, homeless man or random superhero, your choice of words is
very important. For example, when in the presence of women, it is polite to avoid words like cum-dumpster, gutter-slut, and cunt. Conversely, when in the presence of men,
you want to avoid terms like circumcision, Valentine’s Day, and Lorena
Bobbitt.

Also, a person’s occupation and station in life helps us decide what words we needn’t use around them. For example, when talking
to a prostitute, you want to avoid calling her a whore (come to think of it, you should probably leave this one out of conversations with all women). If you’re
talking to a New York fireman, you may want to avoid phrases like “flash burn” and “dead New York City fire dork.” If you’re talking to PIC
editor Court Sullivan, you may want to avoid words like “DeGraaf” and “Rebello.” Once you know what words to avoid based on an understanding of your counterpart’s
occupation and station in life, you can be sure that you won’t say the wrong thing. However, you still need to worry about the tone with which you use your words,
because improper tone of voice can be just as bothersome to those you care about as improper words can. (Oh yeah! Can you feel that segue? Man, that was beautiful.)


Tone of Voice

When talking to a child, a smart person will use a quiet and sensitive tone of voice. The tone with which we say things can seriously affect the meaning of what we
say. For example, if I say to a woman, “I love the way that dress makes your vagina look” in a soft and gentle voice, she will take it as a compliment. If I
say it with an aggressive tone, she will think that I want to rape or kill her. Those, as the Man always says, are the breaks. So, to avoid being broken, you may want to
make sure that your tone of voice is always calm and serene. That way, a simple phrase like, “Baby, that outfit really shows off your cunt” won’t come
off as aggressive and childish. With the right tone of voice, any statement can be well-received, especially when complimented by the proper body language. (Damn, boy!
These segues are slipping and sliding like a forked tongue into and out of a dirty whore’s mouth. I don’t know what that means, but man, that was
awesome.)


Body Language

Three things you need to remember to make sure that your body language is perfect: 1) don’t slouch or in any other way let your body
look as if it is giving in to gravity (fat gives in to
gravity and we all know how much respect we have for fat). 2) Do not over emphasize with your body. Your body language should never get worked up unless your tone of voice
is getting really animated. (In which case, you better be doing your Adolf Hitler impersonation because there’s no reason to over animate in polite society. Come to
think of it, there’s no reason to impersonate Adolf Hitler. I apologize for number 2. Clearly, I am an idiot). 3) If all else fails, impersonate Denzel Washington.
Just trust me on this. The man knows body language.



Now, we all know that I’m here to help. And I hope that by practicing the lessons outlined in this piece, a generation of men and women will see the sound reasons to
be polite and practice proper etiquette. Some motherfuckers simply don’t know how to behave in goddamn polite society.



Which is why I’m here to help you bitches.



Now, go out into fucking polite society and get your goat-loving shit together.



Rude fuckers.

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