But Christmas is the exploding head in the war movie of each year. It’s the sex scene and the car chase and the fireworks of our calendar all rolled into a couple of days or so. So this year, in honor of the birth of my Savior (could be yours too, but I don’t know who the hell does the saving around your household), I am going to list my five favorite things about Christmas. Why list only five when Christmas has about 40 levels of awesome? Because I’m on vacation, bitches.
The party platter of awesomeness that makes Christmas the coolest holiday is a combination of family, football, friends, liquor and gifts. Bonus points if the gifts involve sports and/or liquor.
"It’s fun getting liquor as a gift while you’re drunk on liquor that was a gift."
(Side note: you may notice that I left food off this list. That is because I am on a diet and fat people suck, so I don’t want to encourage them.)
Family
My family is fucking awesome. I don’t know about yours, but if they suck that’s your problem. I wasn’t the easiest kid to raise. In fact, my parents had to put up with a bunch of shit from me. I kept getting into trouble with authority figures and women and well, just about anyone who had to interact with me with any regularity. I was a hothead, a jerk, and a druggie. And yet they loved me. And they still do.
You know that line about how family has to love you no matter how fucked up you are? Yeah, well I’m living proof of that. And with my loving family comes a shared love for football.
Football
In the Tampa Tribune the other day, I read some shitty column from some commie asshole who said that we should make all the football teams take their bye weeks over the Christmas season so that the players could have that week with their families and we would have fewer distractions in our households. I’m not an angry person by nature, but I immediately wished death on that writer.
Football is what makes tolerating family possible. There is no way on God’s snowy earth that I could bond with my father without a few football games to watch. I mean, shit. Most of my emotions and emotional experiences are tied to sports. Without football on, what would Dad and I do? Talk? Not happening. Football helps make the holiday season. It’s the caulk in the tile. Without it, there is no floor.
(And the award for weakest metaphor of the year goes too…)
In addition to football and family, Christmas is a time to catch up with old friends.
Friends
If any of you reading this are in the 18- to 22-year-old age range, let me give you some advice for where to live post-college: at least a thousand fucking miles away from home.
Whenever I return to St. Louis, I get to hang out with people who haven’t seen me in months and sometimes years. So they have all forgotten exactly what an insufferable ass I am. Which is great for a few hours anyway. And you know how every group of friends has that one asshole they can’t stand? Well that’s me. So it’s fun to get to catch up with everyone and duck out of the hometown before they all remember how much they hate me. Good times for all. Well, for me anyway. And I’m the important one in this column.
And let’s not forget the true meaning of Christmas: liquor and gifts.
Liquor and Gifts
It’s fun getting gifts. It’s fun giving gifts. It’s fun drinking liquor and getting gifts. It’s fun getting liquor as a gift while you’re drunk on liquor that was a gift. Getting stuff is awesome. Getting stuff while drunk is even more awesome. And getting liquor? Jesus, that’s just the pinnacle of awesome. In the words of Tiny Tim, “God bless us everyone.”
I don’t think I need to recap here. I think y’all get it. Christmas is awesome and I’m on vacation.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I believe there’s a bottle of bourbon calling my name.
