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Advice to the Homeless
Advice to the Homeless
>>>
Primal Urges
By staff writer Nathan DeGraaf
December 21, 2005
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Court: So, did you talk to any
homeless people?
Nathan: Actually, one of them led me to this bar.
Shortly after arriving in Atlanta for the PIC 5th annual birthday gimmick, I found myself wandering around the streets of Atlanta (because I
had arrived early while my editor was at dinner and he suggested that I wander around the streets in search of a bar—Court Sullivan, what a guy!). For the next few
days, I would often find myself wandering around the streets of Atlanta alone (mainly because I like to wake up around noon and Court prefers to wake up shortly after the
sun sets—this is how he maintains his summery complexion). And over the course of those four days, approximately 723 different alleged homeless people asked me for
money.
Now, I’m not one to tell a person how to make a living. And, I have been known to give money to different homeless people on occasion.
So I was shocked to discover, while letting my mind wander on the six hour drive home, that I hadn’t given one dime to one panhandler. And, because I had six hours,
I made a mental list of the criteria that bums have to meet to achieve my hard earned change. In no order of importance, here are the five things that all homeless people
need to keep in mind. Please note: not one Atlanta panhandler did any of these things. They were literally lazy bums.
So, to you Atlanta panhandlers, I offer the following pieces of advice. You don’t have to thank me. I’m here for the little people, too.
At Least Look Homeless
Look, I’m not a moron. I wasn’t born yesterday. I talk to lots of homeless people and most of them are similar in appearance. Their skin is usually screwed up
from a crappy diet, they typically have little energy, and they almost always have a deranged look in their eyes that says, “It’s obvious there’s no way
I could hold a job.” All of the Atlanta “homeless” either looked like a) regular people who forgot to shower that day, b) drug addicts who forgot to
shower that day, c) regular people who did shower that day or d) hustlers. One Atlanta “bum” even approached me while he was wearing a wool coat and carrying
an electric guitar. I mean, come on. At least play the part. We’re not all suckers.
Entertain Me
Aww, your life sucks? Bad things have happened to you? You just need help. Really? Hey, that sounds a lot like my life. Bad things happen to me. And I still have to work.
If you want my money, realize how valuable my time is and make me laugh. The best kind of “homeless guy” jokes, by the way, occur when the homeless man shows boundless optimism. Lines I’ve heard
homeless people say that earned my money in the past (to quote two) were, “Hey man. Help me out. I’m gonna fight Lennox Lewis and I’m a quarter short for
the bus fare to Vegas.” And, “Hey man. Help a brother out. I’m twenty cents away from getting Trump’s new book. I’m gonna be rich and I
won’t forget you.” When a humble looking guy uses lines like those, I laugh, I reach into my pocket and I give him a little change. A good laugh is worth at
least a few pennies, right?
Don’t Let Me See You in the Bar
This really pissed me off. As I was walking into a bar called Mick’s Underground, I saw a man in a green hat drinking a beer. After paying his tab, the bartender
acknowledged the man by name and then counted a three dollar tip. Later, after Fred, Tyrone and me were kicked out of Mick’s by the most uncool bar manager I have
ever had the displeasure of bumping into (by the way, if whoever managed Mick’s around 3pm on Saturday is reading this, you can take a flying fuck to the
moon—you suck like a lemon puckered blowjob, rot in hell), I saw that man sitting outside on a bench. And he asked me for change.
“Dude,” I said. “I just saw you in Mick’s.”
“That’s Willie,” said Fred. “He always got his hand out.”
As we walked away, I asked Fred if Willie had a job.
“Yeah man,” said Fred, “He works with Terri [the woman I sat next to at the bar] in the city building.”
I can’t tell you how much that pissed me off.
Don’t Touch Me
Seriously, don’t touch me. I will kick you in
the knees. It’s a promise.
Be Polite
How hard is this? No one owes you a thing. So when you start yelling at someone for not giving you money, well, what do you expect. A bum in Atlanta actually told me the
following sentence: “Just tell me you don’t wanna pay me! Don’t tell me you got no money!”
You believe that shit? The man wanted honesty and free money all from the same stranger. What an ass.
Now, I know that a lot of you homeless people don’t have computers, so I hope that you are reading this on a piece of paper that was printed out by a PIC reader and
placed in your open hand. And I hope you follow all of these pieces of advice. Next time I’m in town, you better have your shit together.
Hustling bitches.
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14 Comments
Dude, I totally know what you are talking about I had to do this mock trial gig for a law class I took. anyway point is I had to wear my brooks bros. suit and this fuck bag asks me for a couple bucks, the guy was dressed better than me.
I wonder if Nat followed all these rules when he was taking all those handouts from his parents.
I decree today that life is simply taking and not giving. The world is mine and it owes me a living.
The most annoying beggars have the "Need Beer" signs. It's a double sin--they're not funny and they're definitely not original.
Then there was the normal-looking college-age girl who came into the coffee shop asking for change for the bus. I had tons, so I gave her enough for the fare. Then she has the nerve to ask for the rest of it. "I gotta buy dog food later", she says. What the fuck??
I gave it to her anyways. What was I supposed to say?
I really want to print this out and hand it to all the lazy homeless bums in NYC. I agree, and only give them my money if they sing, dance, are funny or otherwise serve to entertain me. Great job Nate!
hilarious, yet true...i agree 100% with everything you wrote. If your capable of getting a job, get the fuck off the street begn money off of people :)
Absolutely true. One time a homeless chick put her cigarette out on my friend's arm because she refused to give her the $20 she just pulled from an ATM. Her boyfriend body slammed the lady into a wall and the cops arrested her. I don't hate the homeless, I just hate that chick.
Here is the best thing to do - let the bum go through his whole list of ailments/problems/struggles, then look him dead in the eye, and say in the most American of accents, "I don't speak English".
Trust me, the look you get from them will be worth the hassle.
I was in Tornoto once and this guy asked my buddy and I for some money so we throw him like 2 bucks each (cause we were loaded) then this guy has the balls to say and I quote " Hey guys I really need paper money" we were bullshit we asked the guy if he was serious then told him to screw.
As a New Yorker, I am more than familiar with the carelessness of 'homeless people'. Recently, a number of newspapers revealed that the average 'bum' makes approximately $200-300 per DAY. That's more than I make. I'm just a secretary. However, in reference to the 'make me laugh' rule, I've had a number of laughs particularly with this one dude on 14th Street. He tells me he's saving for a trip to Hawaii and he'll take me with him when he has enough. What a hoot!
I went to Atlanta last spring and I could not believe how many panhandlers there were. The closest city to me is Philly, and Atlanta makes Philly seem like Baltimore.
I live right in the heart of Atlanta, so this column definitely rings true. I walk everywhere, and there's one guy who repeatedly asks me for change on my way to work. Every night I tell him I can't help him out, and if he would remember he would recall that i tell him this on a nightly basis. Now i think he does it just to piss me off. My new tactic is to say "Hey, can you spare a dollar?" before they open their mouths.
I once was approached by a homeless guy who was hanging around an abandoned building. At the end of a brief conversation, he hit me up. I took out my wallet to help the brother out when I heard him mumbling "20,
20, 20" The nervy bastard was trying to sway me into giving him a 20. A friend who was with me sumized that he must of been absent the day they taught technique in the beggars school so he didn't know he was supposed to be thinking 20 instead of saying it.
dude, you need to experience about a kabillion NYC homeless folk before you can write something like this. very pedestrian.<i></i>
Sounds a lot like your life???? Ha, I Bet!! I doubt your parents were drug addicts and I bet you have nothing in common. I am approached by homeless people on a daily basis. At times it can be annoying, but to say it is entirely their fault is not true. People are born into situations that you could never imagine, and you can't compare your own life to theirs. To just say "get a job" is an ignorant comment. Of course that is the goal but the fact of the matter is that they can't. Take a sociology class and realize that laziness and values really have nothing to do with it. You just aren't lazy and you have a great work ethic, they just don't right? That is a common misconception that priviledged people use to rationalize their success and others failures.
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