I'm Sorry I Fucked Your Wife

>>> Primal Urges
By staff writer Nathan DeGraaf
November 29, 2006

Tom: I mean, Kurt Vonnegut certainly added to the political climate of the sixties, but he was hardly a serious writer.
Nathan:
I hope you rot in hell.

Dear Tom,

I know we don’t know each other very well. And I’m sure (taken from the few meetings we’ve had) that we don’t like each other at all. Nevertheless, I feel I owe you an apology. I’m sorry I fucked your wife.

There. I feel better already.

Now, I’m sure that in addition to an apology, I also owe you an explanation. I want you to understand that I am not, by nature, an adulterer. But for you and your wife, I made an exception. You see, you were so smug and haughty and she was so flirtatious and smoking hot, that I just had to fuck her and I had to bring you down a peg.

I’m sure you remember the first night we met. We were in that little bar on 42nd Street. Your wife (who by the way was only 19 at the time, while you were 27—I’m not here to judge but that’s kind of fucked up) and I struck up a conversation while you were in the bathroom. She told me how you were her English teacher her junior year of high school. How she was a virgin when you swept her off her feet. How you even made her wait until marriage before consummating the relationship. And how (and this was the kicker), she was shocked to discover how disgusting and boring sex could be.

"I don’t need to give you the details of the sex, seeing as how we had an audience video recording the event."

I mean, I couldn’t believe that one. I was fucking floored. Here’s this beautiful young thing with skin like a baby’s ass, legs like a model, eyes like freaking Bambi and you couldn’t even fuck her right? For shame. I was about to walk away from the whole thing and wish her the best of luck when you came up and introduced yourself.

Now, I was an English major at the time, and you, being an English teacher, felt it was your job to piss all over my education, the few magazines in which I’d been published, and even the great Kurt Vonnegut. I don’t trust a writer who doesn’t appreciate Vonnegut. Anyway, the next time you went to the bathroom (what’s up with your bladder, by the way?), I took it upon myself to explain to your girl how awesome sex could be. She didn’t believe me. She said she wanted proof.

So I took her outside and fucked her in the cool grass.

Now, I don’t need to give you the details of the sex, seeing as how, after about five minutes, we had an audience taking pictures and video recording the event. And I’ll admit I thought it was funny when I heard that three big dudes beat you up when you tried to stop us. But the best thing that happened that night, most definitely, was the look on her face when she realized what an orgasm was. Wow, was that a delightful feeling. It was like I had created a revelation. Really, it made me feel great. I like to think that I’m here on Earth to help people, and her orgasm was validation of that opinion.

Now, I should have stopped right there. I had made my point to both you and her, but she was embarrassed and felt she needed a place to stay and couldn’t return home to you. So, I took her back to my place and ran a train on her with my roommates. It only took us four days to turn her into a total party girl. Cocaine addiction and all. She really is great. And you really are a lucky man.

I mean, you really were a lucky man. Whatever.

Anyway, I hope the divorce goes smoothly, or as smoothly as one can go. The videotape evidence you have should keep her from getting alimony. If you want to find her, she’s working at one of the many strip clubs here in Tampa (hint: the one she works at is on South Dale Mabry Avenue). She has her own place right now (strippers make good money) and seems to be doing well. One of her boyfriends is an NFL player and he bought her a Jaguar. Isn’t that nice?

In the future, I hope you’ll refrain from criticizing Vonnegut. That man has done more for the English language than you could ever hope to.

And again, I apologize for fucking your wife and ruining your marriage, but I think we can both agree that it just couldn’t be avoided.

My Sincerest Apologies,
Nathan

See also:


Some people might not get this, but there's just some writers that evoke such emotions in us that this sort of thing would be necessary. So nate, i understand.

Also, some people might not get this, but there are some smoking hot women that evoke such lust in us that this sort of thing would be necessary. So Nate, I too understand.

Please tell me that this article was a work of non-fiction. If so, that might be one of the single greatest stories I have ever heard and I immediately propose you for membership into the player hall of fame.

that fucker deserved it, Vonnegut is a writing god. i turned 20 the same day he turned 84 this year (nov 11).

Wow. That was an excellent read. I must say, "good game" to Tom there. It's really not that difficult to give a girl a great time when having sex. Props to you Nate, he deserved it.

that fucker most definitely deserved it for talking shit about kurt vonnegut. he must be illiterate.
also, love your column and blog.
also, i'm drunk.
goodnight

Kurt Vonnegaut? "EEEHHHHH"

I dont know what to say except I'm gettinga t-shirt that says I heart nate degraaf on it. And when people ask who Nate is (and you know they will) I will simply smile offer them a beer and instruct them in the finer points of snippets and sex.

Thank you Nate for making my morning! If you ever show up in Boston, come to my bar and all your drinks are on me.

I wonder if Vonnegut would enjoy your writing. Me thinks not.

Me thinks Vonnegut would only read the fine writings on Ubersite.

oh, dear god, please tell me this is a true story.
while maby not THE funniest thing of yours that i've ever read, its up there..
well done sir.

You fucking rock!!!

I think I may marry a pompous ass just to fuck you.

one word

Bullshit!

nate, whats your favorite vonnegut story?

Deadeye Dick

I think Nate is a deadeye dick. And a virgin.

i think this is your best article.

i love it.

Sorry to dissapoint, but there is almost no truth to this one. Every now and again, I use my imagination.

Why is it that every time you use your imagination it's to imagine yourself being super cool?

Last column I used my imagination on, I was writing about murdering people in my apartment. I take things to extremes when I write fiction, that's the fun of it.

You should submit a front page, Poohead. I'm sure you could teach us all a thing or two about writing.

The comments I've left regarding this article are better than the article.

Speaking of comments: 21 comments (3 of which are your own). You must have a million readers. At least.

yo poohead. i got some great advice for u and i really think u should pay the utmost attention to my words. shut the hell up before i shove my foot so far up ur ass ur breath will smell like fuckin footlocker water repelant. suck on that bitch. BOOYAAA

I dont know how people could praise you.
Is this article fiction? If you ever did this to my wife i would:
Kidnap you
horrendously torture you (make Tarantino look gentle)
throw your dick into a tank full of piranha while you are still alive watching!!!!!!!
All players and pimps should be tortured and executed!!! The world is in a miserable state because of such people.

Dude I ran into this site while surfing the web on my sidekick 3, after reading a lot of your articles I must say this is some funny shit, I have a minor in liberal arts but not the same thing, just want to say you are probably one of the best writers on this site. So far I have read almost all your articles this is by far the funniest. And yeah the prick deserved it. Ohh and I loved your multitasking blow job article man. Keep em comming.

I find you hideous. I'm amazed there are women in the world desperate enough to fuck you.

I COMPLETELY ENJOYED THE STORY, BEING AS A SIMILAR THING RECENTLY HAPPENED TO ME... I, MYSELF, DON'T NORMALLY GO AROUND BANGING PEOPLES WIVES BUT I FELT IT 100% NECCESSARY IN MY SITUATION. HER NAME IS RANDI, 22 YRS OLD, 32 OR 34 E's (YES, THATS AN E, NOT A D), 5FT 6IN, 130LBS... SMOKING HOTT... AND HER GIANT JACKASS OF A HUSBAND LEFT HER AND HER DAUGHTER SO HE COULD GO TO IRAQ... NOT A SMART MAN... NEVER LEAVE A CHIC IN HER 20's ALONE... NOW, DO I FEEL BAD FOR EDDIE??? ABSOLUTLY NOT... DO I FEEL BAD THEY ARE GONNA GET A DIVORCE??? NOPE, NOT IN THE LEAST... DO I FEEL BAD I SENT HIM THE VIDEO OF HER GAGGING ON MY COCK??? AGAIN, I WOULD HAVE TO SAY ABSOLUTLY NOT... SERVES HIS DUMBASS RIGHT FOR LEAVING HER WITH A MAN LIKE ME...
ANTHONY CASA AKA TONECAPONE

OH JUST THOUGHT I WOULD GIVE EVERYONE A LITTLE MORE INFO... HER NAME IS RANDI, AND SHE FROM PENNSYLVANIA... HER HUSBAND IS EDDIE NOLEN... AND HE IS CURRENTLY IN IRAQ, SERVING OUR COUNTRY... SUPPORT OUR TROOPS... WRITE AND MAIL STUFF TO OUR TROOPS IN IRAQ...
HSB 1-108FA UNIT #6260 APO, AE 09378

FAKE

and all the responses are fake too

try harder next time

YOUR A DUMBASS... FEEL FREE TO LOOK UP RANDI AND EDDIE NOLAN.... CAMPHILL PENNSYLVANIA... I'M SURE HE'S HOME FROM THE ARMY BY NOW... OR DEAD... EITHER WHO CARES.... HE DESERVES TO DIE ANYWAYS... LEAVING HIS POOR DAUGHTER LEXY WITHOUT A FATHER... FUCKIN MAGGOT... JUST SO U KNOW, MY COMMENT IS 100% REAL DIPSHIT....