Five Suckass Foods

As you may likely know, I am on a health kick. And that sucks. I mean, don’t get me wrong; I feel better, I look better, I sleep better and I fuck better, but I’m on a crazy low-fat diet, and I’m in the damn gym six days a week.

The gym I don’t mind so much. It’s like a bar inverted. There are lots of hot chicks and televisions, and on a really good night, I sweat a lot. You’ve got your wife-beaters, tattoos, toned bodies, guys bullshitting about sports, chicks checking out guys, guys checking out chicks and lousy music to set it all off. It really is just like a club, minus the alcohol, which unfortunately removes the inflated sense of self-esteem and the minimizing of standards. But still, one night stands can start there. I guess what I’m saying is, gyms are okay.

"At the end of the day, no one in the history of the world has ever said, Oh boy, more yogurt!"

Diets, however, suck the sweat off a rhinoceros’s balls then collect said sweat in a jar made from ice, throw them into a blender, add a few bananas and protein powder and serve the whole mess to you in a Styrofoam cup, all the time laughing at your hungry ass.

Now, that I’ve got that out of the way, I need to mention a little something about lists. Fearless Editor Court Sullivan is very disappointed in my lack of lists this year (I’m way below my quota), so this week, you get that rarest of comedy treats, a top five list. I know. I know. It’s so thrilling you almost spilled your coffee.

Here now are five healthy foods that suck ass.

Green Tea

I cannot express how much I hate this fucking concoction, and you want to know why? Because it’s not coffee. Oh sure, it has more nutritional value and less caffeine than coffee, but does it make me want to focus on work? Fuck no. It just makes my insides feel all squishy and relaxed. I don’t have time to be feeling all squishy and relaxed at work or work won’t get done. So fuck you, green tea. Fuck you up the ass with a flaming tire-iron you antioxidant-filled cup of piss-colored shit.

Turkey Bacon

I’ve hated Turkey Bacon since I first laid eyes on it. What kind of shit-ass meat thinks it can get away with impostering bacon? Bacon is essentially little slivers of meaty fat. The smell of bacon cooking makes dogs orgasm, for fuck’s sake. Turkey Bacon has only one goddamn thing in common with actual bacon: it is shaped somewhat like bacon.

Go to hell, Turkey Bacon. You taste like the half-retarded offspring of sandpaper and spam, you awful, awful meat poser.

Steamed Broccoli

It’s just not even worth it. Steamed broccoli owns my ass. I hate it, and yet three times a week, it’s on my plate and I finish it. I can’t stand you, steamed broccoli. But there you always are, like some kind of goddamn birthmark on my little, ugly, diet kid. I’m just stuck you with, you stupid green-headed son of a whore.

Fat Free Yogurt

To be fair, fat free yogurt comes in all kinds of tastes that make steamed broccoli look like…well, steamed broccoli (you probably saw that coming), but fat free yogurt has huge shoes to fill because it serves as my midday office snacks, which means that it replaces spareribs, chicken wings, chocolate, muffins, egg-rolls, mozzarella sticks, bagels, donuts and ice cream. Also, yogurt gets bonus points because it’s fun to say. But at the end of the day, when all is said and done, no one in the history of the world has ever said, “Oh boy, more yogurt!” So, on that note, yogurt sucks donkey ass.

Egg Whites

The very idea of using eggs only for their whites infuriates me to the core. The only reason that the egg white exists is so to give the good tasting part of the egg something to enhance after you break open it’s lovely, undercooked runs. The egg white was not meant to go it alone. It’s an almost unholy quest, it is. Fuck egg whites.