Nathan: Would you rather have a boy or a girl?
Tara:
A boy.
Nathan:
Why?
Tara:
Have you ever lived with a woman?
Nathan:
Point taken.

One of my hobbies is taking informal polls. I don’t hold much stock in actual studies based on science and logic because the guys holding said studies are usually people I wouldn’t drink with. You see, if you aren’t willing to toss down a few beers with a fella, there’s no point in listening to what he has to say (just one of my things). Anyway, I believe that if you have a pressing question that you absolutely need an answer to, you should go bar hopping and ask that question to everyone you see. Before you know it, you will end up with a whole bunch of answers. If a majority of these answers are the same, then you have what science folks call a consensus (I think). A consensus can lead to a conclusion. But I wouldn’t hold your breath for one if I were you.

Anyway, recent conversations with females led me to think that women don’t have much respect for the people who make up their own gender. In an effort to come to some semblance of a conclusion regarding women’s respect for women, I asked exactly 42 women the following question: “If you could only have one child, would you have a boy or a girl? And why?” 37 women said they’d rather have a boy. 23 of those women offered this little nugget as the reason why: “Girls are bitches.”

Clearly, women hate themselves.

Because lists are how we do it here on PIC (order your shoes now), the following are the five reasons why (according to this informal poll) most women would rather have boys than girls.

1. Women are Bitchy

Apparently, the girls who constantly bitch and whine about stuff that men don’t care about and can’t control also hate it when women bitch. You would think that such an understanding would actually cause women to alter their behavior and be less bitchy. Ironically enough though, because of the way they’re wired, the bitchiness of the female gender just ends up being another thing for them to bitch about. Bitchiness, though, is just another one of the many emotions that women hate about themselves.

2. Women are Too Emotional

Now, you can’t blame girls for hating how emotional they are. It’s something they can’t control. Likewise, you can’t blame me for hating the fact that men start all the wars. Nevertheless, I think it’s at least mildly amusing that women don’t even want to deal with theirown emotions, let alone the emotions of another female. All the crying and the moodiness actually drives them nuts. So, in a sense, women drive themselves crazy. (Side note: this half-assed study has actually taught me to have sympathy for the world’s bitches. Bet you didn’t see that one coming.)

3. Women Get Pregnant

Of the top five answers, this one surprised me the most. Apparently, if a woman has a girl, she comes face to face with the fact that said girl can get pregnant early on in life. And said pregnancy could further drain the freedom and fun out of a chick’s life. Because men can’t get pregnant, they can always just move to a different state or country in the event of an accidental pregnancy. Not that I would know or anything…. Seriously, I have no children anywhere in the United States or abroad. And you can’t prove anything.

4. Life is Just Easier for Men

Apparently, one of the reasons women hate themselves is that they are jealous of men. We make more money, we pee standing up, and we don’t get raped or sexually harassed. Of course, we also know that we’ll have to work pretty much all of our lives and that we’re obligated to break knuckles on the faces of the folks who threaten our livelihood and the livelihood of those close to us. Nevermind that. Chicks think we have it easy. Because of this, women actually expect us to spend gobs of money on them. But I’m digressing here. One of the reasons women don’t want to have girls is because they think that life is easier for men. Of course, they are dead wrong about this. But whatever. Bitches…there’s no talking to them.

5. There are No Cute Baby Clothes for Girls

I swear to God, this was the fifth most common reason women told me they would rather have a boy than a girl. And I honestly have nothing to say here.

Women, for many different reasons, don’t like themselves. They hate how moody and emotional they are, they hate how hard life is for them, and they hate the fact that they can get pregnant just for getting all passionate. And, instead of working to change themselves, they simply hate themselves. Instead of solving the problem, they just complain. So, if we can come to any conclusion from my very informal, half-assed study, it is the following: even women know they’re bitches.


Thinking of upping your writing game? Second City's online "Writing Satire for the Internet" class starts Sept 23. Use code PIC for 10% off.