« Back to My Organs and I Snowboard, Part 1

KC and the Organ Gang survived the chair lift (he’s incredibly terrified of heights). He sits on the peak of a mountain. Now he just needs to survive the actual snowboarding.

KC: Goggles?

EYES: Check.

KC: Gloves?

HANDS: Check.

KC: Junk?

JUNK: I’m still too scared to come out.

KC: Old Clicky? (KC’s replacement knee—remember kids, your first two knees are free, your third costs extra.)

Dude, that was an old lady. She was text messaging as she cruised. We are so fucking pathetic and slow.OLD CLICKY: I’d rather be at the early bird Country Kitchen Buffet.

KC: Mekaneck? (KC’s metallic neck—remember kids, don’t be stupid.)

MEKANECK: Operating. Perhaps we should devise a—

KC: Shut up. This is supposed to be fun.

BRAIN: Then how come we can’t figure out how to strap ourselves into the snowboard?

KC: I think it’s because our friends are too busy laughing their asses off at our stupidity.

BRAIN: Really? How complicated can this be? Hippies and stoners do it all the time.

JUNK: Hippies and stoners also get laid too. You don’t see us doing that, do you?

KC: Oh fuck you. Maybe the big black piece goes in the little yellow end?

JUNK: Now that is definitely what I’m talking about.

BRAIN: Let’s just give up. Maybe we can call a taxi and they’ll take us back to civilization.

KC: I think the only way down is the snowboard, or ride the chairlift down. Alone.

BRAIN: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! No fucking chairlift. Again. Ever. Or maybe we can just break our neck again and they can give us a ride on that red snowmobile?

MEKANECK: <<GIZZART!>> Impossible. The greatest surgeons in North Dakota <<BIXX-KOW>>> reinforced me with the highest-quality titanium. It would take a pound per square inch pressure of—

KC: Shut up. We’re not breaking our neck again. We’re going to snowboard. There, I think that’s right. Old Clicky, stand up.

OLD CLICKY: What’s the hurry? Okay, standing.

KC: We’re standing on a snowboard!

(KC falls down)

BUTT: Ouch. Lucky I’m bootylicious. (It’s true.)

KC: Let’s do that again.

OLD CLICKY: Giving it the old college try? That a boy.

KC: No I’m not going to just give up.

OLD CLICKY: Actually youngster, "college try" actually means ‘to put forth effort."

KC: Oh, I always thought that meant to half ass it.

OLD CLICKY: No, that’s your generation. My generation actually tried at things. Your generation just watches BlueTube, eats Hot Pockets and, um, snowboards.

KC: I don’t see the point of this. You’re actually only five years old. Anyway, away we go!

(KC stands up again, and starts riding down the hill)

KC: What did I tell you assholes? Just like riding a bike.

BRAIN: Downhill. On the ice. Tied to an oversized skateboard.

KC: Hey, look at the 3-year-old. He’s strapping himself while actually riding and rolling a joint.

EYES: Watch out! There’s a sign!

KC: Old Clicky! Put pressure on the heel!

OLD CLICKY: What do you want me to feel?

(KC falls again, this time on his back)

EVERYONE: OUCH! Dang! Ouch!

KC: Holy shit this is the hardest snow I’ve ever been on. What did they do, spraypaint concrete white? Butt, how are you doing?

BUTT: I told you, I’m fine. More cushion, for, you know…falling down.

KC: That was kind of a hard fall. Brain, you alright.

BRAIN: Grandma hits harder than that. I’m okay.

KC: Eh. I didn’t want to ask… Mekaneck?

MEKANECK: <<BAZERP!>> Status report shows everything functioning adequately. Except for bending chin to chest. That program <<KIV-TEP!>> not available.

KC: Let’s get back on the girl that bucked us.

(KC shreds some more)

BRAIN: You know, this is kind of fun. We should be a little nicer when writing about snowboarders and skiers.

(Somebody zips by KC)

FISTS: What the fuck! I’ll kick his ass!

EYES: Dude, that was an old lady. She was text messaging as she cruised. We are so fucking pathetic and slow. Look over there, a guy wearing a mascot outfit. He’s called Ripperoo. He can’t even see, and he’s beating us.

KC: I never said we were good at this.

JUNK: I told you just to lie to chicks. You never listen to me. Like any ding-dong can’t just put on a Technicolor jacket and stupid pants and bullshit girls into thinking he’s a pro snowboarder.

EARS: That French-sounding guy said to just loosen our front knee and we won’t be so rickety.

OLD CLICKY: Oh, tarnation to that frog-eating peckerhead. I either bend, or don’t bend. I tell you. The respect from some people.

KC: I could see myself doing this every once in a while. I mean, look at that person. Even though I can’t tell if it’s a boy or a girl, from the back of their head and jacket, it seems they’re having fun.

EYES: What are those speed bumpy things called when they’re on a mountain?

BRAIN: Moguls?

EYES: Yeah. There are Mongols in front of us.

KC: Fuck!

OLD CLICKY: Ouch. Ow. Off-da. Ugh. Erk. Yikes. Um. Ouch. Eek. Ah cockamamie.

KC: Yeah, that wasn’t that fun.

MEKANECK: I report <<Snap-Kik>> that I’m feeling superb.

KC: Shut up.

EYES: Check it out. The ski lodge is up ahead.

BRAIN: Honestly, I do need a rest. Maybe a few beers and shots if I’m going to ride that chairlift again.

JUNK: I’d like to pee. And helicopter in some girl’s face.

STOMACH: I want a hot dog.

KC: Guys, I agree. Let’s chill at the lodge and wait for our friends to get tired.

(KC unstraps and walks inside the lodge)

EYES: Geez, fifteen bucks for a hamburger.

BRAIN: I’ve got it! Our next million-dollar idea! Let’s open a ski lodge place in town! We can charge outrageous prices for shitty service and worse products. And when people complain, just say, "What do you expect? It’s a ski lodge."

JUNK: I’m not going to lie. Where the fuck are the girls? I thought this place would be full of black-and-blue chicks looking for deep-vaginal tissue massages.

BRAIN: Oh, you didn’t know? Vail has about fifteen guys for every girl.

JUNK: What the fuck? Why?

BRAIN: I don’t know. Maybe females just don’t like the snow that much. I know they don’t like the cold. Most dudes are tools, most snowboarders are bigger tools. Also, I think women just have better things to do. Like talk about shoes or paint body parts that nobody ever sees.

JUNK: So we go on the scary chair lift, fall down on ice, get laughed at by fourth graders for being a slower snowboarder than the special needs people, spend all our money on a $20 less-than-Big Mac, and now there are no chicks?!?! Why the fuck did we come here?

KC: I have no idea.

FEET: At least I’m warm…

END

More in the "My Organs and I" series:
My Organs and I Go on a First Date
My Organs and I Wake Up
My Organs and I Go to Work
My Organs and I Go to a Game
My Organs and I Hook Up (With a Girl)
My Organs and I Detox
My Organs and I Go to Work (At a Bar)
My Organs and I Drive to Denver
My Organs and I Turn 30

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