Aaron: Have you ever tried to fix a leaky faucet while your girl sucks you off?
Nathan:
Uhh, no.
Aaron:
Well don’t. Just trust me on that.

Here at Primal Urges, we’re all about multitasking. I define multitasking as, “that fucking word women use because it sounds slicker and more complex than the phrase, ‘doing a few things at once.’” In addition to multitasking, Primal Urges is also all about receiving blowjobs. I believe, as I’m sure most of you do, that almost all of the world’s problems can be solved with some combination of oral sex, football, alcohol, and fried foods. And the thing about oral sex is that it can take awhile. Many of us simply don’t have enough hours in the day to waste any of them doing one measly thing at a time. So, in the interest of time management, the following is a list of things that you, the male reader, can accomplish while getting a blowjob. I know, I know. I’m changing your life yet again. You can thank me later. I accept liquor as currency, in case you’re curious.

Clip your Fingernails

Hygiene and grooming are kind of important. If you take advantage of the free time that the tongue-loving allows, you’ll come away feeling refreshed, replete with orgasm and trim fingers. Like my dad always says, “Do what you love and you’ll love what you do.” I have no idea how that applies here, but it’s still good advice.

“In time, our species will get used to combining blowjobs with watching television, drinking beer, and even putting together a model airplane.”

Check your Girl’s Head for Lice

This is always a good idea. I mean, no one wants a girl with lice.

Knit Something

If you know how to knit, that is. I don’t know how to knit but I’ve seen people do it, and it seems like the kind of thing one could do while getting his pipe flushed.

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Road Trip

Anyone can drive while getting a hummer, so I’m gonna use this space to write about why it’s important for chicks to give road head on long trips. You see girls, when you spend the entire trip babbling about stupid shit, fucking with the stereo, and demanding bathroom stops, you are essentially making the driver miserable. One twenty minute blowjob on a long road trip will buy you hours of pointless babbling and crappy music. Just trust me. Or don’t, whatever. Just suck my dick.

Watch Television

Guys, here’s a piece of advice: When you’re watching television while getting your knob slobbed, do not react to the shows. Just quietly enjoy both the show and the hummer and everything will be fine. Do not laugh out loud, celebrate a touchdown, or react to the TV in any way, shape, or form. You’ll end up pissing off your girl and missing out on both the saliva massage and the show. (Unless you have TiVo. God bless that TiVo.)

Drink Beer

Inevitably, if you’re drinking while she swallows the flesh puppet, you will run out of beer. And then comes the dilemma that has faced mankind for hundreds of years: do you stop the blowjob and get another beer, or enjoy the blowjob without one? Unfortunately, there is no hard and fast rule to answer this question. This problem must be dealt with on a case by case basis. Sorry, but even I don’t have all the answers.

Be General Manager of the Knicks

Not only could I do Isaiah Thomas’s job better than he does, I could do his job better than he does while some chick lubes my crank. And I don’t even know much about basketball.

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Think Up Next Week’s Column

The tens of minutes I spend each week coming up with ideas for Primal Urges can take away from the important things in life, like drinking whiskey and working the job that actually pays me. So sometimes I have to think up columns while doing other things. For example, I thought up my column on homeless people while driving home from Atlanta. I thought up that female to-do list while arguing with a chick. And I thought up this column while getting a blowjob. Everything comes back around in time. You know, the circle of life and all that.

Blowjobs are now, and have always been, a vital part of society. But the world is changing. People are being asked to accomplish more in less daily hours than ever before. As a result, Americans have less leisure time than they did a generation ago. Because of this, we are being forced to multitask activities like careers and childrearing, showering and brushing our teeth, and even blowjobs and beer drinking. Those, as the old man says, are the breaks. But fortunately for us, humans are the greatest adapters on the planet. (Hell, some of us can even put up with American Idol.) In time, our species will get used to combining blowjobs with watching television, drinking beer, and perhaps even putting together a model airplane or a little Lego set. Like all things in life, the blowjob is evolving.

And fortunately, I’m here to help you keep up with these alterations in the social fabric.

Like I said, you can thank me later.

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