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The Beech Comes Out Swinging
The Beech Comes Out Swinging
>>> Edited For Content
By staff writer Mike Forest
August 4, 2004
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Welcome to the first regular column by the newest member of PIC: me, Mike Forest. Perhaps you saw my front page article a couple weeks ago about beer goggles for women. If you were one of the twelve people who visit the site regularly
and read that article, I’m sorry. In my defense, the original version of the piece was funnier. Much funnier. My original brilliance saw the same fate as so many
humor columns before it: over-editing.
Nevermind that I spent days and days tweaking it to get it just right in hopes that you, the reader, would get the maximum enjoyment; forget
that by the time I was finished, my fingers ached and my vision had faded; don’t think about my soul, my manhood, my art—a greater good had to be served: the
humor gods must be appeased.
I’ve noticed that the humor high priests have been working overtime lately, as all of the regular columns on this great site have seemed to be missing a beat.
It’s not that Simonne, Amir, Justin, Emmanuel, Nicole and Court the sentient deer aren’t funny anymore; it’s that their brilliant ideas are being hacked
apart and sacrificed to the editing gods in return for rain for the small farming village that sustains the columnists’ meager needs. The editing priests take the
original column to the editing temple where the gods extract the best jokes and most of the profanity for their own use. They leave just enough so that the peasants (you
the reader) have the minimal sustenance to continue living. As time goes on, the gods have become more demanding and thus the rest of us are left with less. It’s all
tied in with capitalism, Rush Limbaugh and SpongeBob Squarepants.
If you’re reading this (or what is left of this), I was somehow selected from the pool of fifteen aspiring comedy writers vying for the open spot, desperate for
recognition and some validation in their sad pathetic lives. Don’t worry, losers, I’m sure you’ll go on to real careers with real paychecks, health care
benefits and stock options. I have a column on a humor website and that more than makes up for it. Plus, the box I live in is close to the library so I can type my column
and surf the Internet for free. I win, motherfuckers/jerkwads, I win.
Sigh.
As I tried to decide what my column theme would be, I started by analyzing what was already on PIC:
• Amir makes jokes about the news, translating it for the common
college knuckle dragger. Congrats, you’re breaking some brand new ground there, genius. It’s not like there is a nightly cable show that does the same thing
every night about a million times better.
• Nicole spends thirty seconds writing her “column,”
which makes fun of lame people who are just trying to get in her pants. Four twenty-word answers to fake emails? Please be careful not to chip a nail. By the way, Nicole
is a 300-pound hairy man. His/her picture is of a runaway who was hit by a train.
• Simonne makes light of her whoring and alcoholism as a way to
cope with her mounting therapy bills. Chin up, girl, you’ve come a long way, baby. Thanks for explaining sorority girls to me. Like, O my god, they’re SO
misunderstood.
• Emmanuel starts every column with his “Now
Playing:” shtick, which is always some band I’ve never heard of. Yes, that makes you deep and cultured. The rest of his column consists of random paragraphs
containing half a joke each. He would write a full cohesive article, but ever since his ‘accident’ he has the attention span of a fruit fly. Plus he’s
Canadian…‘nuff said.
• I’ve never understood what Justin’s column was
about, but he likes the Red Sox. Apparently he hasn’t figured out that no one watches baseball anymore and that baseball is gay. Very, very gay.
• Court was a deer who was, sadly, turned into venison to
appease the humor gods.
With all of the major comedic standards taken, what could my column possibly cover that no one else does? A wise man once said, “know
thy audience,” but I was drunk and wasn’t really listening. I had to see it the next day on the news. OK, who’s my audience? College kids. Hey, I’m
a college kid—been one for four and a half years—I probably know what they like. I just have to be sure to dumb it down and keep frat boy jokes to a minimum.
Otherwise anything I write will go way over the readers’ heads. Plus, I wouldn’t want to alienate anyone. That would probably not get me a gig as a humor
writer.
But for now, I guess I should tell you all a little bit about myself. I’m a student at Michigan State University studying film. I produce, direct, write and
edit—but I mostly do whatever I can do to shirk responsibility, stay inebriated as much as possible and fake my way through work and classes. I’m a Capricorn
who loves short walks to the convenience store to buy cigarettes after even shorter “sessions” that stereotypically require a cigarette… ummm afterwards.
My favorite restaurant is Taco Bell and I have metal plates in my arm from an accident when I was a junior in high school. I have a cat named Tyler and a two-toned (rust
and maroon—mostly rust) Pontiac Grand M (the ‘A’ fell off) that I paid $800 for. I’m a movie buff, but not an elitist cinema nazi and I once got
laid after watching SECRETARY. Yeah, the scary movie with James Spader and Maggie Gyllenhall. My best friends call me "The Beech" and my exes don’t call me at
all.
So there you have it, a crash course in me, The Beech. Come back next week and every week after that to read my new article which will either be about media conspiracy or
the Social Security website’s scary, scary message to kids. In closing I’d like to say that now that I am in the company of misfits, losers and hacks
struggling their way through college toward a inevitable quarterlife crisis and just trying to make sense of it all, I’m finally home. If we are the best our generation has than the future is doomed. See you next week. I must
now don my ceremonial robe and drink out of the chalice filled with—what the hell is this? Deer blood?
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24 Comments
Hey just a little tip, when your the new guy on the block it's probably not a good idea to devote your entire first column to insulting the other columnists on the website. The only people who will read that sad attempt at humor are there because they read at least one of the other columns on this site. So basically you just shot your entire fan base, dumbass.
And on a side note if you've been a college student for four and a half years and still havent finished you better not dumb your jokes down too much because then it will be way below the level of all of us with enough brains to finish in 4.
Uh, Mike, no offense, but your column officially sucks. You spent the entire first one insulting the people who have already established their columns on the website. Which would have been fine, except for the fact that it wasn't funny at all.
You should be glad that they picked you. I have no idea why, but I have a feeling your column will be the first that I ever skip over in disgust. That's a shame.
So in conclusion, learn to be funny, fuckface.
Harsh initial words, huh Mike!
I hope you guys understand this is all in good fun and irony as a first column.
PIC: Always on the cutting edge indeed.
mike-
unlike the random hecklers, i thought your shit was brilliant. keep it up!
everyone else-
all the other columnists dish it out on a regular basis so if you can't take some new heat, then don't let that door hit your ass on your way out.
I thought it sucked hairy balls. Forest is a dumb last name.
Everyone heckle this bastard til he leaves! I want him gone!
That was terrible. There honestly had to be a better columist somewhere. Horrible.
Lena, why should I be offended? You hated my column. In your own words it “officially” sucks. I agree. I am without a doubt the un-funniest person on the face of the earth, Al Franken included. The only reason I got the column was that I have compromising pictures of Court, the funniest guy ever and Court the deer. Blah blah blah. Let me skip most of your comment, although it is admittedly funnier than anything I have ever written. Feel free to go ahead and skip my column. I’d rather not waste the bandwidth on you. Sincerely yours, Mike “fuckface” Forest.
Amy,
I had no fanbase before, so I guess it won’t matter if I shot them all. It’s a victimless crime like election rigging. I like college. Hell, I may stay here forever. Why graduate? There are no jobs. Don’t worry. I won’t be coming after yours. We have too many assistant pastry chefs as it is. Thanks for your time. Mike “dumbass” Forest
LIKE JARRET FROM SNL! even though that skit is dead now cus the dumbass left the show...
Mike, I thought your column was great and I look forward to your next one as I do with every PIC columnist.
Good first column, sure as hell beats the one i sent in. I was one of the other 15 motherfuckers/jerkwads and can definately say you deserve this more than me. And yes people, he called me a motherfucker/jerkwad and I am still a fan. Learn to take a joke. Hopefully i can get something on here during my 5-7 years of college. What? Ya im not graduating in 4 years either, its one of those crazy double major masters things that only the stupid people get.
pretty good column, not laughin my ass off funny, but funny. i enjoy all the columns on here. gives me somethin to do while i procrastinate at work... =)
to all you fucking mike bashers-
this is just a little comedy article not meant to be taken seriously. i really feel sorry for you poor people who have no life but to bash a guy trying to be funny. keep all your negative comments to yourselves next time.
It might have been a comedy article, but I don't think it was very good. But i'll be fine til next week.
I liked it! I'm glad we have some new people other then that bastard Justin.
P.S I'm just kidding...I love Justin. If only he would show his face...
Mike,
Great first column. Starting on pointsincase, apparently, is a lot like prison. On the first day, you've got to become someones bitch, or beat the crap out of someone. Mike here decided to try to take on everyone. Hopefully this begins an all out column crap-flinging fight on PIC.
And mike, i also go to MSU
Good luck w/ PIC
....You have exes? As in, short for "Ex-girl-(we're assuming)friend," only plural? As in, more than one? Wow, I want to go to Michigan State. Women must be easy there...
i dont find it offensive, but i don't find it funny either.
interesting article, mike. maybe i missed this, but why exactly are you called the beech? just a curiousity. you automatically get many gold stars just because you attend msu. so keep it up, my fellow spartan.
Wow, Mike... You are an okay guy in my eyes now... You may not be too funny, but you're an okay guy. I'll read your column next week and give you another chance.
It was alright. I didn't read it at first...but after reading it I look forward to more. Not that its bad, but you can only go up from here. At least you're not Canadian...
Just a quick reply to the comment at the top by Brooke "at least you're not Canadian". Yes, we Canadians couldn't agree more. We would never want some dumb fucking yank representing us with such a shitty column. You and Brooke should get together and come up with more ways to have the rest of the world hate Americans and reinforce that attitude by writing more of that shit you pass off as humour.
Everyone who thought Mike's words were a little harsh wouldn't think that way if they didn't see a little truth in them. So he states the obvious about the other columnists, and that makes him a terrible columnist? Give him a chance, it was his first week.
This whore won't be banging you anytime soon.
i thought your column was funny as shit mike and i'll certainly be back to read it next week. it always boggles my mind when people decide to leave negative feedback in the comments section...if you thought the article was THAT bad, just let it go and keep the hate to yourself!
PS - i know what justin looks like, bitches