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That's What Sidewalks Are For
That's What Sidewalks Are For
>>> Edited For Content
By staff writer Mike Forest
August 18, 2004
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People who ride bikes in the street really piss me off. I'm not talking about people who ride on the shoulder when there is no sidewalk. That's fine. I'm talking about the
Lance Armstrong wannabes decked out in neon spandex, sperm-shaped helmets and special shoes that clip right into the pedals. These assholes haven't figured out that
they're not as fast as they think they are. Sure they're fast for a bicycle, but my car can go 85 mph (that's 120 liters in metric). Okay, my speedometer can go to 85. The
point is that there are taxpayer-supported sidewalks they can ride on.
"But, Beech," you say. "What about the people who are out walking? The sidewalk is for them, not bikes."
First of all, how did you get into my office and where is that voice coming from? It really doesn't matter, because you couldn't be more wrong. People can step out of the
way. Cars have other cars to deal with and can't step off the road or swerve into oncoming traffic. I suppose they CAN, but it's really not a good idea.
I must admit that these bikes are pretty amazing. They cost more than my car (which I have discovered is by far the shittiest car in the parking lot of my new place). They
have mirrors, about ten thousand gears and GPS navigation. A guy I used to work with rode. He used to tell me about his new titanium rims that only weighed 800 grams (.3
bowling balls) and his new fork, forged in space from silly putty and aluminum foil, which made it as flexible as a Russian gymnast pre-Cold War and as strong as the
United Nations before Bush. I nodded through all of this and pretended I knew what he was talking about.
The last bike I had was a black death trap with twelve gears and a chain that loved nothing more than to bind up and throw me off into the bushes sending freshmen and
chipmunks scurrying out of my way. I found out very early in my college career that it took more time to unlock my kryptonite lock (forged in the bowels of Mount Doom),
ride the bike to class, find some place to park it, and re-lock it than it did to just walk to class, sit down, and go to sleep. Plus it's a lot harder to smoke a
cigarette and look cool on a bike.
So I was behind a couple of these assholes the other day when I was driving through campus. They took up the whole lane in front of me and used all those
stupid hand signals to indicate where they were going. No one knows what those mean. I don't even remember them being on the 500 question driver's ed tests. What's wrong
with pointing?
"I'm going that way" (points left).
Good. Now I know which way to not go.
I ended up having to follow them halfway through campus, where we have really great sidewalks by the way. It's summer, so the only people on the street are pre-frosh, who may as well get used to dodging bikes. Isn't that what
orientation is for? So even though there were sidewalks, they rode in the street flapping their arms around trying to communicate to me where they were going. This upset
me, but what really set me off was that they didn't obey any traffic signals. If you're going to ride in the street (which you shouldn't), you have to fucking stop when
there's a fucking red light. Red means stop. I remember THAT from driver's ed. Next time I see one of those guys go through a red light, I'm going to follow them and run
them over. I'll even give them a hand signal. You know which one I mean.
Eric, I know you bike, but this applies to you as well: I will run your ass over if you ever try this around me. However, since I mentioned
you, I may as well thank you, VT and Danny for helping me move a couple weekends ago. There. I hope you're happy. I just wasted valuable bandwidth on you and no one knows
who the hell you are.
Eric and VT are two of my best friends from high school who came over from WMU to give me a hand moving. I made VT come because he is the obligatory "guy with the truck,"
but it was also his birthday so we took him to the bar after we finished up on Saturday. About 30 minutes before closing time, Eric tells me to sign his tab and gets up
and leaves. I think nothing of it, because...well...I'm drunk. Twenty minutes later I notice he's still not back and go looking for him. He's not in the bathroom. Oh well.
I'm sure he'll show up before we leave.
"Beech, your friend is outside puking and the cops and the paramedics are out there."
Dammit.
I run out there, decently hammered at this point, and assess the situation. There is no way that I will let Eric be hauled off to the hospital unless he's inches from
death. His mom would have killed me. Call me crazy, but ever since I got this gig I finally have something to live for. I get outside and Eric is sitting on the curb with
his head down. I head over to the cops and ask them what's up. My buddies from State go get pizza.
Long story short, I get into it with the paramedics. "Look," I ask them, "Is he more drunk than a couple glasses of water and a night's sleep won't cure?"
They tell me he's probably okay and the cop asks me if I'm drunk. "Well, I'm not driving," I tell him. We're all legal so there's really nothing he can do. "Can I call a
cab to take us home right now?"
They tell me they want to observe him a bit more. I tell them I'm going to take him home and in a college quotable way I add, "911 is an easy number to remember. If we
need you, we'll call you." This was supposed to come out more complimentary towards our excellent emergency response people, but it came off completely jackass.
"You're being a smartass," he tells me. I back off.
Meanwhile Eric is still on the curb and has switched from all out puking to spitting up a little. People on the street are looking at us and laughing. Flashing lights
always draw a crowd at State. I tell them to fuck off and call a cab. "Forty-five minutes," they tell me.
The cops and paramedics leave, and it starts to rain. All of a sudden, VT says he thinks he can drive. I hoist Eric up and try to walk him to the car. I can't navigate and
hold him up at the same time so he staggers into the middle of the street. I sit him back on the curb. The bar is closed, so we just stand there waiting. Forty-five
minutes later my other friends come back from getting pizza and we get a ride home. Sorry taxi guy.
Shawn and I help Eric to the car. As we're leaving I look back to where Eric was sitting on the curb. The sidewalk is covered in puke. I smile because that is also what a
sidewalk is for.
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29 Comments
Haha. That was great.
I'll pray for you Mike.
No where in your rambling incoherent column did you come close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. We are all dumber for having read it. I award you no points and may God have mercy on your soul.
P.S. -- Congrats, 3 in a row...terrible
man you suck! three in a row, the triple crown, three times the suck. your writing is shitty and you should take your cue and just fuck off.
Josh,
Wow that was a hella witty comment. Oh wait..... you ripped it word for word from Billy Madison. Next time you decide you're qualified to share with the rest of the class try and be original instead of ripping on someone that obvioiusly has more talent than you.
Great column Mike.
Wow.
You suck.
this column takes the cake...funniest one yet. i live in a college town and i've talked many times about the problem with bikers not making use of the perfectly good sidewalks. when i saw that was what your article was about i started laughing immediately. clever writing, anyone who thinks otherwise is just not a good critic
Bryan you suck too. obviously you're a friend of this beech loser. i'm sure he appreciates your support but you're just encouraging him to write shitty articles. they're just not funny at all.
I thank you for your appreciation of my previous "witty comment". No shit it is from Billy Madison. The reason why is used it is because it fit the situation perfectly and every word in that quote is relevant to mike's recent column. As for me not being able to write a better column than mike?s most recent one, well that is just ridiculous. It is a statement like this that reflects the kind of personality it takes to be a meter maid. Congrats! I have supreme confidence that even you and your inane kindergarten blather could produce a better column than mike?s last one. The fact that dimwits like you comment on other people's qualifications to "address the class" is a sad indictment of the world we live in today, I suspect you're a very angry, lonely person. Have a nice day Shambuka and keep watching those comedy movies!
PS - Mike I am sorry to knock on your recent column, however, I do think you are capable of much better as noted by your "Beer Goggles for women" column.
another good one. i agree indefintely with you. keep it up.
Rockin' column, I personally have loved them all so far
and that last comment by "josh"...made no sense at all... he rambles worse than you!
Gee Josh, you sure have won me over with them big words of yours. As a matter of fact I have one for you myself, pretentious.
W/ Love
Stef :)
oh and ps, im sure the angry and lonely people that you refered to are the same people that spent an hour writing a paragraph using dictionary.com to show up someone on a comedy website.
you know most of it made absolutly no sense... but you managed to tie the whole thing together with the last line... huh...
it made sence, you just had to understand that it was supposed to look like he got sidetracked...
anyway, great column like all the others. i'd love to have you and the rest of the crew as posters on my message boards (not as writers, just regular visitors) the URL is in my Homepage thing...hope to see ya there
all the mike haters out there, get a life, it's a column, you don't have to read it and if you don't like the writer or don't think it's funny, then don't, it just makes court's bandwidth level less...
No but see, people who appreciate good humour and have high hopes for most writers on PIC and maybe Mike will take their example and some day write a column that's worth reading, and being on the site. Personally I recommend replacing this column with some other useful things that a normal human could do in the amount of time that it takes to read it; like maybe having a glass of water...or sharpening a pencil... Well good luck in future columns Mike and I really hope they get a LOT better, and quoting another movie by Happy Madison Productions: "You can do it!"
Sorry that should be..."No but see, people who appreciate good humour and have high hopes for most writers on PIC and the site itself don't find the columns funny..."
this column sucks ass!
Fuckin' right doggy!
another article well written! i love how you tied all this together, because really, sidewalks were made for bikes...and without them, i would not have many of my similar late night memories that you have. you're a stellar writer...that's right you guys, i used the word stellar. keep it up, beech!
What's wrong with you bitches that constantly have to hate on someones writing? Here's an idea: Don't read it if you don't like it....save us the trouble of reading YOUR stupid ass shit. No one gives a fuck what you think anyway- get over yourselves...
Ok you fake Court. Us not reading and commenting totally defeats the purpose of clicking on send/read feedback you cum gurgling fagnasty. Don't ever impersonate Court again!
I thought the column was fine. Funny and all.
Future reference?
I barely have enough of an attention span to read the funny pages (now that's humour) so a long column loses my interest, no matter how funny, about 4 or 5 five paragraphs in.
No wonder I'm failing my english lit.
Damnit Beech, why couldn't you have been around when those paramedics and cops had to take my ass to the emergency room ?!?!
I thought it was pretty good! I was gettin' a bit worried that you were just rambling, but the last line really did tie it all together. Good job!
Great collumn - most bikers (Not all) are morons and need to learn how to bike on the sidewalks before I learn how to drive or else they will end up in the ER for running a red light in front of my car. (I'm almost 15 and getting my permit soon.)
I do love a good puke story.... but do you know what I love more? Comment page controversy; keep it up Mike haters!
yer batting 1000 buddy in the area of sucking! good for you!
Josh sure used big words, "relevant" and "qualifications" are so hard to understand. So stef, if you really had to use dictionary.com to look up the words he uses, i question whether you even passed middle school.
The article was okay, a little long.
the first half was actually good, up until the story about your friends.