>>> Up Shit Creek
By staff writer Michael Curtiss
January 17, 2007

Hey you. Yeah, you over there. I really want to tell you something. You’re a fucking idiot.

Yeah, don’t laugh, because I’m completely serious. Do you listen to yourself talk at times? Oh, you do? Does that makes you want to kill yourself? Because it makes me want to. No, not listen to you, kill you. Because you’re a fucking idiot.

See that rock over there? That rock is smarter than you are. It lacks a central nervous system, brain, and any form of discernible life and it’s still smarter than you are. Do you understand the ramifications of being less intelligent than an inanimate object? It’s pretty bad. I could pick up that rock and throw it at your head and you would become smarter. Not because a blow to the head would make you smarter, but because the rock’s intelligence would just rub off on you. That’s how much of a fucking idiot you are.

Yeah, I heard you talking about politics, and you’re not an intelligent human being. No, I really don’t give a shit what your political stance is, because chances are, you have no fucking idea what you’re talking about. Please, don’t tell me how much you dislike George Bush. Nobody fucking likes him. You have all the wrong opinions for all the wrong reasons. Oh, you took a political science class in college? I’m totally impressed, except for the exact opposite of that. And you know why I’m not impressed? Because you’re a fucking idiot.

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“I would rather throw on some K-Fed and snort a line of coke off a transvestite’s boner than be in your presence.”

Oh, you’re a vegetarian huh? This is too easy. I really don’t even want to go there, but I will. Why don’t you eat animals anyway? Because they taste too delicious for your simple mind to understand? Oh, that’s not it? I see… you don’t eat animals because of the way they’re slaughtered. Listen up: cows sit around all day eating grass and taking shits. I don’t really think a cow gives a fuck when it’s killed. Have you ever tasted how badly grass tastes? Of course you have, because you’re a vegetarian, which makes you a fucking idiot.

So, have you seen any good television shows lately? Oh, but of course you have. Do you know how I know this? Because everything on TV now is a piece of shit. And you’re a piece of shit. And you’re the smelliest of all the pieces of shit. Seriously, how do you live with yourself? You just sit around all day drinking beer and making fun of people. Oh wait, sorry, that’s what I do. We’re getting off topic; you’re the fucking idiot here, not me.

You did not just ask me that question, did you? Did you really just ask me who my favorite celebrity couple was, Tom-Kat or Bran-Gelina? If I had a gun right now, I would pull it out and shoot myself in the head. I would shoot you, but you don’t have a brain, so it doesn’t matter. Hey, I just got a totally awesome idea! Why don’t you pursue an acting career and move to Hollywood! Yeah, I know, super idea. You would definitely do really well. Just kidding, you would fail after two weeks and resort to prostitution to support your rampant methamphetamine addiction. And why would that happen to you? Wait for it…. because you’re a fucking idiot.

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Smell that? While you were crying, I took a dump on your foot. Gross huh?

I decided to take a dump on your foot because you paid enough for those shoes to support a middle to lower class family for a month. Do you have a soul? Or is it just a black hole that completely envelopes all conscience thought and rationale until you are nothing but a meaningless shell of a human. I’m guessing the latter of the two. Again, I know this because your sunglasses are worth more than a unicorn horn encrusted with diamonds. And you have no idea of this. Because you’re an idiot. A really big idiot. Maybe even a fucking idiot.

Now, I’m not usually this mean to people. There is just something about you that makes me go nuts. I would rather throw on some K-Fed and snort a line of coke off a transvestite’s boner than be in your presence. I actually like doing that sort of thing, but that’s beside the point. The point is that you’re a fucking idiot. Quite possibly the fuckiest of all the idiots I have ever met. And for that, I have written you this column.

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