My roommate recently constructed a flux capacitor. I thought it was a blender, so as I made my early morning protein shake, I accidentally sent myself back to the past. What a coincidence, the time machine sent me to Bismarck, North Dakota to meet myself as a high school senior. Here's the transcript (my roommate also invented a flawless recording device)…

Blender as a time machineIn order to keep the two versions of myself straight, KC is the current PIC writer while CASEY is the young, innocent high schooler.

KC: Wow. So this is what North Dakota looked like. It's been a few years. Pretty flat. Look at all the white people. (KC spots CASEY, a senior in high school.) Oh shit. There's myself, just much younger and less damaged by life, love, and broken bones. I'll go talk to him. (KC approaches CASEY.) Hey there sport, recognize me?

CASEY: Oh shucks. Are you one of these homeless people I've read about?

KC: No, buddy. I'm you, from the future. I went back in time by accident, and ended up here.

CASEY: Holy crow! This is so super neat! You probably have all kinds of cool stuff to tell me.

KC: Yep. At this age, we're wise beyond our years.

CASEY: I bet! So what's it like being a doctor?

KC: Ummm. You know how you have a hard time doing chemistry?

CASEY: Yeah. That's the only class I get a B in.

KC: Well, chemistry gets harder in university.

CASEY: Okay, so we're not a doctor in chemistry. What are we a doctor in?

KC: I'm sorry to break it to you, but we're not a doctor in anything. But I do have a master's degree.

CASEY: Oh wow. So I turn into an engineer? Or a businessman? College must have been pretty wacky to turn me into one of those.

KC: Actually, it's a master's degree of journalism.

CASEY: What? So you're like a current events reporter?

KC: No, I'm actually an unemployed current events reporter. The whole industry goes to shit, but I still write a lot.

CASEY: Fantastic! So how many books have you written?

KC: I'm actually finishing my third.

KC writing at his laptop furiouslyCASEY: Smoking smackeroos! So we're a famous writer. That is so cool. I can't wait to grow up and see my books turned into cool movies. I can hang out with Hollywood folks.

KC: Ahem. We've written two books, but nobody ever published them. We're trying to get them published, which is a lot harder than you'd think.

CASEY: But surely we're a star. All of my teachers tell me I'm incredibly talented, a hard worker, and am sure to succeed.

KC: Yeah. They're pretty much just lying to you so you won't come to them with your personal problems or kill yourself. We learn most older people just wing it through their jobs and don't really give a shit about the long-lasting repercussions they instill on the youth of the world.

CASEY: So what's Limp Bizkit like now? Are they ruling the music world? They're the coolest band ever!

KC: Yeah, you should probably never tell people you're a fan. They start to reallllllllllly suck in about six months.

CASEY: Now way! They write songs about breaking stuff and screwing chicks! All the cool things I want to do but am too nervous.

KC: Look Junior, Limp Bizkit sucks and you'll learn that Fred Durst has about as much talent as that creepy school janitor with seven fingers.

CASEY: Okay I guess. I suppose you are from the year 2009 and you've got a time machine. What other cool stuff do you have? Robots? A spaceship? An alien girlfriend?

KC: Yeah, none of that really exists yet.

CASEY: Do I at least drive a cool car?

KC: Um. You know Mom's old minivan? We kind of fall into a slump and drive that for a while.

CASEY: Not even one alien girlfriend?? Gee whiz. How about real girlfriends? Are you at least successful in that?

KC: Not unless you count Mary Jane! Kik-kow!

CASEY: You smoke marijuana now?

KC: From time to time.

CASEY: I learned in health class that marijuana makes you stupid, boring, and lazy.

KC: Oh that's all fucking bullshit too.

CASEY: But you're kind of stupid, boring, and lazy…

KC: Look, kid. You have no idea how hard the real world is.

CASEY: Apparently you don't know how hard the real world is either.

KC: Fuck you, you little shithead. At least I don't cry into my diary every night about how I don't have a girlfriend.

KC in a pink shirt with a white suitCASEY: You don't even have a girlfriend. I'm just a high school kid. You're supposed to be educated, good looking, and cool.

KC: Yeah, but I've had girlfriends in the past.

CASEY: Yeah, and I'm smart now. Obviously that doesn't mean I'll be smart in the future.

KC: Hey!

CASEY: Basically you're telling me my cruddy life gets worse after high school. I already thought life stunk as it was, but now I'm basically just the worse version of the same person, just older. No robot girlfriends. No flying cars. No doctorate. I don't even have a stinkin' job in the future.

KC: Wow. Way to fire with both fucking barrels.

CASEY: At least tell me this: do I ever get to touch Marci's boobies?

KC: Nope. You probably would get to, but you're such a fucking pussy you're too afraid.

CASEY: She's pretty.

KC: Yep. You get yourself in a lot of trouble shooting for pretty girls. Eventually you quit being such a weenie wussy and actually do pretty well with the ladies. I mean, I hold our—your—track record with beautiful women up against just about anybody's. You may not bang the most, but you bang the best.

CASEY: But in religion class they teach us premarital sex is wrong.

KC: Lots of shit they teach you is wrong. Just do it anyway. Who fucking cares what the rules are? Only stupid people follow them.

CASEY: And how many of these so-called "stupid people that follow rules" are in your situation?

KC: You've got a point there, Sport.

CASEY: This has been the least enlightening thing of my life.

KC: Yeah, mine too.

CASEY: At least tell me this. How awesome is Star Wars: Episode I? I'm so goll dang excited for that.

END

Related

Resources