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Well Blow Me Down: Exclusive Hurricane Katrina Coverage!
Well Blow Me Down
Exclusive Hurricane Katrina Coverage!
>>> Casual Misanthropy
By staff writer JD Rebello
August 31, 2005
|
If this is the second time you’re reading this column (meaning you’re either obsessed with me or have Alzheimer’s, maybe both!) you may notice that
there have been a few changes. First, allow me to explain.
I wrote this column on Monday, when all I knew of Hurricane Katrina was that it had a goofy name and would force New Orleans to be evacuated, which all sounded real funny.
A few days later, I’ve come to the realization that thousands of people may have died and the city could destroy itself when all is said and done.
Knowing this, I can’t in any good conscience keep my previous column posted, and so Court and myself have dove in to clean things up. We’ve still kept in the
more lighthearted stuff (cracks at the media, etc.), and the overall tone of the column is the same (that we should be able to laugh at anything, even a horrible
disaster), but some of the material that was just flat-out mean-spirited and not even funny has been removed for obvious reasons.
I hope my loyal fans (thanks kid who played Minkus on Boy Meets World) understand.
Too soon?
I don’t care. This isn’t like my London quip a few weeks back, or my ongoing jabs at Sri Lanka for getting spelunked by a tsunami. It’s a hurricane. And
nothing pulls this great country of ours together like a force of nature.
Random thoughts from relatively dry Boston:
*For starters, what kind of name for a hurricane is Katrina? Katrina is a girl who gets trashed off two Smirnoff Ices and gives head to any hockey player. That’s a
Katrina. To paraphrase the great Lewis Black, “What do they call a tornado? Tornado. You get the message.” I’d like them to start giving theatrical names
to hurricanes. Like “Hurricane: Episode Seven: Revenge of Katrina,” or “Live from New Orleans! A Freakin’ Hurricane. With Special Guest Black Eyed
Peas.” Dude, the Weather Channel ratings would skyrocket. Like you wouldn’t watch.
*My favorite part of a natural disaster like this is when TV news guys try and act all somber like they’re delivering a eulogy. It’s so much fun to watch jock itches like Matt Lauer gunning for an Emmy and
fighting back fake tears over this. Even Sportscenter, (SPORTSCENTER!) was pulling this. Watching Dan Patrick say: “The somber news out of New Orleans is a constant
reminder of the power of nature and the courage of the human spirit.... Coming up next, Terrell Owens jacks off in a dog’s face! We go live to Sal
Paolantonio....”
Listen, I work in journalism. We love this shit. Nothing makes us happier than bad news. I work in a town where one of the newspapers gleefully published a dead 22-year-old girl after a
baseball riot to sell a 50-cent paper. It’s an ugly business, and it’s savagely hypocritical to act as though we aren’t having an orgasm as we’re
delivering even the most horrible news to the public. Frankly, it sickens me.
(See, I don’t even have my journ degree yet and already I’m on a soapbox. It happens that fast.)
*Could this have happened to a better city than New Orleans? Honestly. I’ve never been to N’awlins, but from what I hear, you’ve got big titties on the
street, you can order liquor on the street, everyone speaks jibberish, and John Candy played a Cajun in JFK. Maybe it’s because I went to Catholic school and am
naturally God-fearing, but hot damn, if that’s not a 21st-century version of Sodom and Gomorrah, I don’t know what is.
*My favorite away message of the past few days is from my buddy LTB: “If you're looking for a dry pair of underroos, don't go to New
Orleans.” Now that’s comedy. Funny away messages. See? You can’t put a price on the value of a funny away message. Consider: I’ve got people on my buddy list who’s away messages range from random Aqua
Teen quotes, to their schedule for the next six weeks, to six-paragraph diatribes about their boyfriend/girlfriend that make you sick to your stomach because the thought
of them baby-making is enough to make you switch to Judaism. Sometimes you need a flash of creativity.
*I guess the big issue here is where the New Orleans Saints will be playing the upcoming season, or at least that’s what the media keeps telling me. Huh? Thousands
are missing (even Fats Domino!) and all we care about is where a crappy football team will be playing. Then again, I’ve got Deuce McCallister on my fantasy team.
Hey, where are the Saints going to play?
*Nice of the President to finally show up. I hope he didn’t have to use one of his 4,237 vacation days.
*So, the Islamic extremists have assigned Katrina to their military ranks dubbing the hurricane a private on their terrorist network (Usef Aba FOX). Private Katrina. Hey,
that means they have women in their army. What next for the camel jockeys? Boys kissing? Bacon? Not blowing up our airplanes? Anything is possible.
*So I sincerely hope nobody was too offended by my previous column. All I wanted to do was spread a little joy to a country in mourning And to show my sincerity, I will be
making a donation to the Red Cross to help bring sandwiches to the Superdome or something. Seriously, I will. Well, I’ll get around to it. Oh, come on. You know
I’m good for it!
|
33 Comments
you make me laugh
your a fucking riot, i swear...
For starters, what kind of name for a hurricane is Katrina? Katrina is a girl who gets trashed off two Smirnoff Ices and gives head to any hockey player. That’s a Katrina.
No, that's Simonne her freshmen year of college.
You're hilarous Justin
hey man
I know being a dick is kind of your "thing" and all, but hold on. Instead of thinking about boobs and bourbon in the streets when you think of New Orleans, try for a sec to think about the fact that people just had their lives ripped apart and the city won't be clear of flood water for -at least- a month.
No one wants journalists to turn into a bunch of wheedling saps as soon as catastrophe hits, but have some compassion when people have no clue when they'll be able to return to their home, if they have one left.
For once try not to turn a disaster that happened to occur in the South into such a goddamn political, red vs. blue state, "haha, fuck them" thing. Perhaps try bringing up the South without also mentioning NASCAR. C'mon Northeastern, it's the South, there's so much more material than that.
This is beside the point but: New Orleans has a huge Catholic population. Or do they not count because they're Southern (yuck!) Catholics?
I know I'm being all serious, but I dunno, a natural diasaster and an accompanying aftermath of this magnitude isn't that funny to me.
'preciate it.
atlanta
hey now, i live in texas and we arent all meth'ed out rednecks..... just 80% of the people are.
and NASCAR does indeed suck
zero points for turning one of lewis black's funniest bits into a retarded diatribe
Greg, you don't even know what 'diatribe' means. Bitch ass hoe.
Good Shit Rebello. I actually knew a 'Katrina'. If the shoe fits...she fucked it.
The first column I read from Justin was funny, but I have to say man, you've steadily declined in the year I have been reading. Quit now while you're ahead. Drop the journalism degree and pursue something more in you field of ability... Broom ball maybe?
In any case this is the last column of your's I'll be reading.
first of all rebello is a genious, second yankees suck red sox rule, third anyone who doesnt like his articles is a huge gaylord
we need people like you who turn a tragedy into a humorous situation. and maggie from atlanta can suck my left nut...bitch
Justin, you are cold, heartless, and an asshole. And for this, I thank you. Without people like you, how else would we get our daily fix of comedy? Keep up the good work.
<i>"if that’s not a 21st-century version of Sodom and Gomorrah, I don’t know what is"</i>
um.. Amsterdam?
FUCK YOU!!!
New Orleans was one of the coolest towns that ever happened. You can keep your Patriot’s Day, your freezing cold weather, and your miserable, cynical populace. Every time I go to Boston, I have to deal with horrible traffic, bitter weather, flavorless food, and mean people. Even your precious Bill Simmons left Boston and moved to LA (and he calls himself the Boston Sports Guy—talk about a fair weather fan. Are all Bostonians so loyal to their town? Oh wait, you’re from Rhode Island. How would you know?). Boston sucks. And everyone who lives there knows it.
Here’s a message from Mrs. Laura Waller, who spent thirty hours in the Superdome.
“Justin, I have seen more human depravity in the last three days than I hope you ever see in your lifetime. I find nothing offensive about your pointless rant of a column, and I pray that you never experience anything close to the pain and suffering I have witnessed and been a part of.”
That, Mr. Rebello, is how a Christian behaves.
Justin's comment box has mor ehuman drama than an OC episode. Everyone understands that this is a humor website, right? As in, do not take this seriously. It's not like Justin is Walter fucking Conkrite. He uses words like "titties" and "bitch slap." Everyone just take deep breaths.
"I DON'T KNOW what we're yelling aboouut!!!"
You're right I feel lame now, yay
Justin,
Thanks for making us all laugh about a horrible situation. We needed it. Especially the T.O. comment
Im reminded of a show... stick with me here..... Home Improvement. Does anyone remember the episode where Tims boss Mr. Binford dies? Everyone else is crying and is so emotional while Tim is running around taking his sons to play ball, cracking jokes whenever he gets a chance, and in general not at all acting what most people would call emotional. In short everyone gets upset at tim because he is either being an ass or is seriously repressing feelings.
The fact is that Tim was providing a service. He was being strong and a good father and providing a good laugh to people that otherwise would be unable to cope with the situation.
It may seem that justin was being an ass towards some unfortunate people that suffered greatly. But lets not make a mistake and accuse him of such when all he is doing is what he has always done.... make jokes by being an ass.
He's lightening the mood.
And just because someone wants to throw something, lets not pick justin just because hes an easy target.
I couldn't agree more, Sputler. Laughter is the best medicine. Thanks for making me laugh, Justin.
<i>Justin's comment box has mor ehuman drama than an OC episode.</i>
It also has more typos and improper grammar than a 9 year old with autism trying to translate Shakespeare. Jesus people, learn to write.
Okay, everyone make sure to proofread all of your comments so we can please someone who won’t even give us his/her name (or would you prefer, his or her name… or how about, their name. Please let us know). Also, anonymous, why would anyone translate Shakespeare? It’s already in English.
dickhead gets kudos from me! hahha
WHY THE FUCK ARE U GETTING PISSED. IF U READ REBELLO U KNOW HES NOT SERIOUS ABOUT A LOT OF STUFF. GET OFF HIS BACK AND LET HIM WRITE. MOTHERFUCKERS.
When I saw the title, two words popped into my head: too soon. I'll now admit that I was terribly wrong. Somewhere around the word "bacon" I actually leaned forward laughing & caused a horrible keyboard accident which left my browser missing toolbars, but I digress...
Great column, I'm sure even the San Antonio Saints would appreciate it.
When I realized that you had edited your column to take into account the actual scope of Katrina's devesatation, it became clear that you aren't, in fact, a heartless, ignorant, inhuman, piece of shit.
You're just an asshole with a sense of humor.
Kudos on the article though - I laughed. I cried. I bought the movie version on DVD. It was a rollercoster of emotions from which i'm sure someone less impacted by the storm was able to get off.
the article was amazing and kudos to you for the sense of humor
don't worry - fats domino was found.
I just want to comment on each of your "random thoughts":
* Katrina may be a lame name for a hurricane, but it is certainly no worse than Ivan or Betsy. Hurricanes are named in an A-Z order. They're giving simple names, not to bore morons like you, but to make things easier. There is no point in sensationalizing a hurricane by naming it "Episode Seven" or "Life from New Orleans". In maybe the two minutes that you actually watched Weather Channel you might have realized that its not actually there to pull in ratings, only to deliver weather reports.
* In the case of Hurricane Katrina, newscasters were delivering eulogies in a way. As of now the deathtoll from the three states affected is over 400 and will most likely rise as water levels recede. To say that all journalists are as robotic and cold as you is unfair.
* New Orleans may be known to you as simply a place to get trashed and see tits that you'd never have a chance to see if the girl wasn't drunk, but New Orleans is so much more than that. To me, it's been my home for more than 17 years. I've loved it, I've hated it, but it's the place that I call home. It was a beautiful city, rich in diversity in diversity and culture and certainly never deserved to be destroyed in such a way.
* Away messages making light of the worst natural disaster in United States History? It's not funny.
* People in New Orleans were concerned about whether or not the Saints were going to stay or where they are going to play because, in a way, to many people the saints represent the livlihood of new orleans. The Saints have threatened to leave New Orleans and Louisiana a lot in the past few years, to lose them now, in the midst of losing everything else, is just another blow to New Orleans. Again, it's not funny.
* After 9/11 the president didn't make it to ground zero for 2 days. After Katrina, he surveyed the damage from air force one days after the hurricane, and finally went to the disaster area about five days after katrina. It <i></i>was<i></i> nice of the president to show up, but it was too late.
* Who cares what the Islamic extremists assigned Katrina as?
* You're an insensitive asshole. People, like myself, lost their homes, their possessions, their family pets, and their families. To attempt to make a joke out of any of this not only makes you a cold, unfeeling prick, but in my eyes it makes you inhuman. I for one would <i></i>never<i></i> wish a disaster like this unto my worst enemy.
That's right, nobody should be allowed to laugh anymore. Anytime something bad happens we have to walk around moping, lest we offend someone. Humor makes us move on to quickly, we need to start dwelling. Forget about picking up and rebuilding also, if we do that then we offend those we lost. Unless of course it happens anywhere else in the world (like the 11,000 Central Americans killed in Hurricane Mitch in 1998, where were you drama queens then?) if it happens somewhere else then we don't give a shit. If it happens in America, then we all have to victimize ourselves and ask for the world's pity.
<i>You're just an asshole with a sense of humor. </i> Is there a better kind?
<i>Also, anonymous, why would anyone translate Shakespeare? It’s already in English.</i>
Have you ever read Shakespeare?
http://www.illwillpress.com/kat.html