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***Here's an Olympic event for you. There's a mistake hidden
somewhere in this column. Not the usual 600 or so mistakes I throw
in because I'm too lazy to fact-check. There's one glaring error. If
you notice it, print it in the send/read feedback thingy at the top,
and you shall win a prize: my respect. Okay, I won't respect you.
After all you're detectiving for mistakes in a humor column on the
Internet. Don't you have anything better to do? Oh, and detectiving
isn't the mistake. And it IS a word!***
Ahh, the Olympics. The finest
athletes in the world competing on the biggest stage. Fighting for
honor, faith in one's country, the chance to cement themselves in a
place of historic reverence. And so on and so forth.
The Olympics are supposed to be a spectacle. They are supposed to
happen on a grand scale. But here we are knee-deep in the 2004
Games, and simply put, I haven't been this disappointed since
Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle. This year's Olympics have been
a painstaking suckfest, the likes of which we haven't seen since SNL
sans Will Ferrell. So what went wrong? Why did the biggest stage of
sport bellyflop into ESPN2 oblivion? I've found some answers.
*The Greeks
If you got a bunch of your buddies together in your living room
and watched the games, it would be a higher draw than the audience
at the events live. Jesus, Greeks, it's not like these are your
games or anything! Wasn't it supposed to be a big deal that the
birthplace of the Olympics would be hosting them once more? Stop
making gyros or whatever you guys do and go watch a game. For
Christ's sake, we've had Olympics in Atlanta and Salt Lake that were
successful! Atlanta and Salt Lake! Atlanta couldn't sell out a
boxing match between Jesus and Mel Gibson.
*Too Many of the Games are Pointless
You know that one friend who is kind of an idiot, but every so
often will say something funny? So people chuckle a little, and then
the idiot thinks he's Dave Chappelle and spends another half hour
trying to recapture his comic glory? That's what the Olympics are
like. Fencing is cool, but do we really need three separate fencing
events? Why are there eight swimming events? Why are there five
archery events? Then there's the simple fact that we couldn't give a
rat's ass about
most of the sports. Ballroom
dancing? Badminton? Handball? I'd rather watch two dogs fight over a
used condom. Actually, that would be mad entertaining! Oh, you know
you would watch it!
*Why the blue hell isn't football an Olympic event?
I'm not even going to justify this with a paragraph. Besides, my
fingers are starting to hurt.
*Phelps
I've heard just about enough of this guy. No, I'm not going to
rag on him for not winning 63,410 gold medals like every
sportswriter assumed would happen because Speedo pimped him like the
dude was born with a fin. (Science note: A shark's penis is called a
dork. Isn't that fascinating? Tell your fifth grade science teacher
what you learned. She'll be thrilled.) It's hard work to win any
medal, and everyone's dissing this poor bastard because he couldn't
swim the 400 while curing cancer and sneezing with his eyes open at
the same time. People need to realize that winning a medal is tough.
But come on. It's swimming. How can swimming be a big deal? The only
swimming event should be "Don't Drown."
*Carly Patterson
She's hot. I don't care if she's 16. She's hot in that
I-want-to-give-her-a-bath-in-the-kitchen sink sorta way. Is that
wrong? I don't care. I love these gymnast girls. Oh man. I can't
even on focus on writing the rest of this article. I need a nap...
...Hi this is Justin's bottle of Aquafina speaking. How ya doin? I'm
good, thanks for asking. Oh you didn't ask? Well screw you, bitch.
You'd be a dehydrated lump of dogshit if it weren't for me and my
purified goodness. Asshole prick, shit...hey....dammit Justin...
...Sorry about that guys. I shouldn't let Aquafina near the
keyboard. Okay, enough hopelessly
inane sidetracking. Back to the
column.
*USA Basketball
Hey, every other sports writer has taken shots at Larry Brown's
collection of suck, why not me? (Because I'm not a sportswriter?
Thanks for dashing my dream. I'm going to go burn my skin.)
First of all, allow me to say I was looking forward to this year's
Dream Team IV: A New Hope. I like the Lebron-Carmelo era. Tim
Duncan's probably the best player in the NBA right now. The only
player I dislike is Allen Iverson. Amazing. They assembled an entire
team of NBA players and I only hate one of them. That's amazing.
That said, sweet merciful Red Auerbach, USA Basketball is garbage.
Is anyone else rooting against them? If anything, USA Basketball
shows us everything wrong with the surly, arrogant, posse and
thug-infested NBA. Look at the way Argentina and Lithuania play.
They pass the ball. They shoot. They're slightly more fun to watch,
than say, crust forming at the top of your mustard cap (for those
scoring at home, it took me 3:48 to come up with that metaphor). The
NBA now is as boring as the first hour of Troy and as non-sensical
as the last. All you need to do is watch ESPN Classic games from the
80's or college games to see a difference. Even if they win the
gold, isn't that like the Yankees winning the Series? Everyone
expects it, where's the thrill? The way I see it, they can make
Olympic basketball more exciting by either 1. Getting rid of NBA
players. In fact, do this in every sport. I don't want to watch pros
on vacation in exotic locales. B. Making the team all white guys.
That would level the playing field.
Okay, there's your obligatory Olympics column. I've been having
loads of trouble coming up with conclusions to my columns lately, so
I had a brainstorm, or what the popo calls, a "pipe dream." From
here onward, I shall put the stupidest or funniest or most
insightful section of my feedback section and send you all out in a
blaze of glory. Pretty smart, huh? Not pandering in the slightest?
Not insulting to your intelligence, right? RIGHT? Now, find the
goddamn mistake, idiots.
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