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The Perils of Pussy
The Perils of Pussy
>>> Casual
Misanthropy
By staff writer JD Rebello
May 8, 2005
|
I hate cats.
(Well, what did you think the title meant? You should know by now I'm not above an obvious pun.)
Cats are a glaring, ugly, annoying waste of space, and they should be dragged out to the street one by one and beaten to death with a tire iron. There are two types of
people: cat people and dog people. Dog people are intelligent, thoughtful beings, and cat people should be launched out of a cannon wearing their asshole as a
helmet.
The seven reasons I hate cats, in no particular order:
1. They are ugly. Seriously, have you ever seen a cute cat? Kittens are cute, you say? You say wrong. Kittens are just like babies. Babies are not cute. They are
pudgy and ugly and smell like the men's room at a gay bar. Kittens are even worse.
2. Cats think they are the shit. Seriously, if you ignore a dog, the dog comes after you and sniffs your crotch until you've got an erection and the phone number of
a qualified therapist. A cat ignores YOU. Well, what the fuck? Who feeds you, asshole?
3. Cats are lazy. Can you play fetch with a cat? No, they lie around the house all day like friggin' Mexicans. Contributing nothing to society but pooping indoors.
Just like Mexicans.
4. Litter boxes. I hate when people tell me cats are better because a cat is capable of dropping a deuce indoors. But let me get this straight, not only are you
more than happy to let your pet drop some brown in the house, you'll allow them to play with it, and save it for later like a leftover calzone? What kind of logic is that?
At least a dog knows his place.
5. Cats make shitty actors. I've seen a lot of great dog performances in my day: Old Yeller, Lassie, Benji, Shadow, Hooch, Puffy. Name one great cat performance?
You can't. Cats are the Ashton Kutcher of animals: if you see them on a movie poster, you can pretty much attest the movie will suck.
6. Cats play with yarn. Isn't that a little fruity? Have you ever seen dog toys? Giant bones and rubber bouncy things. That's fun shit. I've bought myself a couple
of dog toys that I play with constantly. Not like that. Perverts.
7. I'm allergic, so technically, they started it.
Cats. What gay animals.
|
26 Comments
me love you, justin.
keep writing. it keeps me laughing
I would classify all those stupid little dogs as pretty much cats too. If you get a dog-get a real dog. Dressing up little dogs in expensive clothes?.. that trend needs to die.
FREAKING HILARIOUS! You cracked me up. I hate cats too. :+:
You ass. Good stuff - keep being funny.
i love cats meow meow meow. Justin you have hurt my feelings forever. :(
Have you ever seen a dog hunt AND catch anything? I certainly have not
fucking hallarious....u havent had a collumn this good it weeks....
and i love cats...
You know, I love cats and for ur info... <i>THEY ARE CUTE</i>... and mine doesn't ignore me. sniffle sniffle... well u are still cool!!!
Hey ... MY cat can fetch. I win. You're still funny as hell though.. and oddly attractive. (In a strictly ASSHOLE kind of way)
cheers.
Uh... and how exactly do you know what the restrooms of gay bars smell like?
Nice job. Cats <i>do</i> have a purpose though: great target practice. :lol:
ok ive got a random ass comment that has absolutely nothing to do with this collumn...
how much do kegs cost????
heh... someone has to say it... Fuck Pussies!
Hey ... MY cat can fetch. I win. You're still funny as hell though.. and oddly attractive. (In a strictly ASSHOLE kind of way)
cheers.
judy | Email | Homepage | 05/11/05 - 6:25 pm | #
:::::::::::::
What the fuck? a cat that fetches? that's the dumbest thing ive ever fucking heard
Whatever. It's pure maintenance ratio. What do you have to do with a cat? Feed it, water it, clean out the box, and shove it out of your seat. Dogs? Feed it, water it, walk it (constantly) pick its shit up with a fucking baggie with your hand (I'll take a litter box any day thank you), kick it in the balls when it starts humping your leg, let it slober all over you, have it jump up on the bed during sex, walk it, have it make a mess in your yard that you have to make sure you don't step in, bite the damn neighbor kid so their parents try to sue to have the dog put down, you have to leash it, walk it, oh, and did I mention pick up its shit with your hand?
I like cats AND laughed at your column! Woah! Things don't have to be taken seriously?? Who knew?
"Have you ever seen dog toys? Giant bones and rubber bouncy things. " and thats not fruity at all. good column...luv the title!
HAHAHAH fucking hilarious column! And yeah, cats are so lame in films... except the one from Meet the Fockers/Parents. That little kitty was just a twat instead. Wow, keep on being funny, ich liebe dich!
<b>OHHH..SO NOW MEXICANS ARE ON YOUR HIT LIST HUH?!?!?!?! PFFF...
ANYWAYYYYSSSS....
Well..yeah cats do suck cuz i'm allergic to them too. I see no point to them. Not only are they stupid, but they think that the owners should go over to them for affection. Fuck that. Lets see who opens your can of food for you today...stupid ass.
Anywho...
MEXICANS ARE NOT LAZY...
ESTUPIDO BABOSO PENDEJO...
*~*Jess*~*</b>
WOW, READ YOUR ARTICLE ON "20 WAYS A WOMAN..." AND THOUGHT YOU WERE JUST A SEXIST SON OF A BITCH, BUT YOU'RE AN UGLY RACIST. PLEASE TELL ME HOW MAY MEXICANS YOU KNOW WHO CONTRIBUTE NOTHING TO SOCIETY BY LAYING AROUND AND "POOPING INDOORS"?? YOU ARE A SAD EXAMPLE OF OUR FUTURE!!! HOPE YOU ROT IN HELL WITH YOU NORTHEASTERN UNIVERSITY EDUCATION!!!
Okay, said before, saying it again... Easily offened= DON'T READ THE FUCKING COLUMN THEN! If you're that pissed off, then boycott. Man, some just aren't happy unless they're bitching about how shitty the world treats them and the woe that is their life, because God knows NOTHING is ever their fault. And besides, I'm SO sure that that Justin is gonna run home crying to mommy because of what some tard who doesn't even have the balls to leave his/ her name on their flaming comment think. Because you can change the world, pricks.
Oh man, you are SO RIGHT. Those fuckers are so lazy and ugly and smelly and just a waste of space. Seriously, whats the point of having them? Oh, i was referring to the mexicans, cat's arent too cool either
I know a cat actor........Milo....so there
fucking right mexicans are lazy, they work 4 hours a day and sit on their cervesa drinking asses and draw state checks, instead of giving green cards we should give them shovels to dig a trench between america and mexico and then fill it with their lazy ass carcasses
they just <a href="http://bmj.bmjjournals.com/cgi/content/full/331/7512/310-c">came out with a study</a> that shows that immigrants draw about half as much per year from healthcare as U.S. citizens. so there goes the "drawing more from america" argument.
THANKYOU!!! I went apeshit two years ago when my psycho-goth-bitch/trustfund-brat of a roommate let her three cats take over our apartment.
Cats aren't the problem; it's the people that love cats. There's something wrong with you when you prefer interaction with ungrateful, prissy animals to interaction with people.
Cats also smell. Really bad.
Did you know Shel Silverstein contributed to a book all about hating cats called the "Cat Hater's Handbook or the Ailurophobe's Delight"?
Dont Forget That Most Of The People That Like Cats Turn Out To Be Scary 90 Year Old Women Whose House Constanly Smells Of Mokey Ass And Millions Of Cats Are Constanly Running Around Getting Stuck In Frezzers And Shit So The Creepy Old Lady Can Make Midnight Cuisine Out Of Remains. Notice There Are Never Any Husbands Around. Be Careful What You Marry.