Barbaro: Hung Up on a Horse

>>> Casual Misanthropy
By staff writer JD Rebello
May 31, 2006

Honestly, it's a horse.

Listen, I feel bad for Barbaro. I really do. Ok, I really don't, but can we please be reasonable? Over the past week, Barbaro has captivated the hearts of millions, probably the same millions who helped The Da Vinci Code break worldwide records in ticket sales. As if we needed more proof that a majority of Americans should be legally declared retarded.

The Associated Press has been compiling a Barbaro Log, with daily updates on the horse's condition. Here's a sample, and again, I'm not clever (or drunk) enough to make this up:

May 28 - Barbaro is enjoying a quiet holiday weekend, filled with plenty of carrots, apples, and veterinary attention. Barbaro and the New Bolton Center continue to receive little presents and volumes of horse treats and bags of peppermints.

"Why are we so upset that Barbaro has had to devote his life to staying in shape? Would we be happier if horses sat around and got fat and watched American Idol?"

Now, if you know anyone who took the time to mail a get well bag of peppermints to a horse in the hospital, do us all a favor and kick them in the genitals. In the past week alone, an earthquake has demolished much of Indonesia, leaving 5,000 dead; 33 civilians were killed by bombings in Iraq; and Rudy Seanez has pitched three relief innings for the Red Sox. Clearly, there are more tragic events happening in the world, yet millions are still focused on the trials and tribulations of a race horse. And to that I say nay, and here's why:

1. He's probably led a better life than any of us could ever hope to live.

Let's put this into perspective. Suppose Barbaro buys the farm—other than the whole turning into glue part, he's had a pretty kickass existence. His entire life has been catered by a descendant of Rockefeller. He's being aired on national television for running around in a circle with some freak midget on his back. And he's going to be put out to stud, which is like being a Duke lacrosse player in a room full of black strippers, minus all that pesky stigma.

2. He's an athlete...in theory.

People constantly bitch about what a tough existence Barbaro has endured because he's a race horse. Well, if horse racing is a sport—and from what I hear, it is—why are we so upset about its athletes leading a strenuous lifestyle? How about linemen in football having to lug their 350 pounds around in the heat and into other 350-pound walls? How about gymnasts and wrestlers being forced to dramatically alter their diets to maintain a weight and risk stunting their growth? How about Matt Clement having to pitch while bleeding from the vagina? (Sorry for all the Red Sox references today, but if you had to watch Clement and Seanez on a regular basis, you'd be angry, too. And yes, I'm aware the Sox are in first place).

Anyway, why are we so upset that a horse has had to devote his/hers/its life to staying in shape? Would we be happier if horses sat around and got fat and watched American Idol? Aren't there enough humans like that? Would we feel better if a horse went to the bar, got shit-faced, and then went home to beat his mare? Priorities, people.

3. This is more proof that animal rights people are out of their fucking minds.

For starters, they're only interested in saving cute animals. "Hey, I feel bad for Barbaro because he's a horse like Black Beauty or Seabiscuit. He's so handsome, he can't die!" That's superficial bullshit. It's like in the 90’s when everyone got pissy about using dolphin meat in tuna. Fine, but how about the fucking tuna? Where's that protest? You know how many species of insect have gone extinct since you started reading this column? Five. And no, I didn't look that up. Sounds right, though, no?

But still, how can we only be preoccupied with saving cute animals? What if we did that with humans? Like, say there was a cure for cancer, but we only gave it to attractive people, and someone like Nick Gaudio (who looks more like a microwaved Ken doll) was left for dead. Actually, I kind of like that scenario, let's just move on.

Then you've got the PETA freaks, the same ones who show you videos of tortured cows to make you feel bad for enjoying a tasty hamburger. Didn't these twats see the Lion King? It's the circle of life. If the roles were reversed, would cows likely employ a special interest group about how it's bad to eat humans? Do sharks give a rat's dick about gnawing off your asshole? Did the Grizzly Man get a rally from panda bears for his mistreament? Nope, he got eaten. And you know why? Because that's nature.

I'm supposed to feel all bad for animals that couldn't give two shits about me? That's ridiculous. Animals are rude, self-centered pricks. Take my dog for example (I love her, don't get me wrong): I feed and bathe her. I walk her and rub her belly. You know how she pays me back? She shits on my shoes. Thanks, asshole, love you too. Animals live an amoral existence so why must we play holier-than-thou?

And while we're on the topic of animal lovers, I'm tired of vegans and vegetarians. Look, if you don't like the taste of meat, I can respect that (actually, I can't…it's like people who don't drink beer). But if you denounce meat to save some poor little lamb, welcome to Fucking Dumbassville, Population: YOU!

You avoiding meat doesn't do shit to save animals. All you do is decrease the demand, so meat prices go down and hungry fucks like me buy more of it.

Think about it, in the past few years gas prices have skyrocketed. Cigarette prices have skyrocketed. Meat prices are still the same. So thanks vegetarians, you've demolished your own cause. I suppose if you're not going to choke on a steak, you might as well choke on your own hypocrisy.

4. He's a horse! The average horse lives 20-30 years. Barbaro is 3.

But still, what does he want to stick around for? Remember how much puberty sucked? What if he has to pass a kidney stone the size of a baby's head? Last I checked, there's no horsey Cialis, so yeah, enjoy that awkwardness.

Besides, we're so concerned about how difficult Barbaro's life is, we don't even consider some of the real trials of being a horse. Like trying to jerk off with hooves. Or not being able to play fantasy baseball. Or standing while you sleep. Holy shit, has that got to suck. I have a hard time getting a good night's sleep with less than four pillows, let alone having to stand.

If I were Barbaro, I'd be praying for death. I'd be breathing exhaust fumes and sticking my big horse head in the oven. If you really want to help Barbaro, fuck peppermints, send the poor bastard some cyanide.