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The War on Rudeness

>>> Casual Misanthropy
 By staff writer JD Rebello
May 10, 2006


So a couple of days ago, I'm walking, minding my own business, and some dude walks by me. "Do you have the time?" he asks. "It's 2:15," I say.

And that's it. That's the end of the story.

Now some of you are likely thinking, "Man, Rebello's finally lost his damned mind." But a few of you know where I'm headed. Some guy, some stranger who I've never met, asks me the time. I check my watch, which is hard to read because it only has markers for 3, 6, 9 and 12. I tell him. So here's my question. Where's my fucking “thank you”?

This has been happening a lot lately. The other day, some guy asked me for directions. I gave them to him. That was it. I gave up my seat to an older woman on the subway. Nothing.

"Middle-aged women have nobody to impress but their fat slob of a husband, ungrateful kids, and hoes in the beauty shop. And that is how rudeness is born."

Over and over again, nobody's saying “thank you.” And frankly, I'm sick of it. The decline of manners in this country has seriously fallen askew. And it's not just with thank you’s. Oh no. The amount of rudeness you find in your daily routine is more prevalent than a low SAT score on “Deal or No Deal.”

Ever walk by a bar and see a line out front? Invariably, some shithead is in the middle of that line smoking a cigarette. Now, I'm not going to harp on cigarettes, because anti-smoking activists are somewhere between Jets fans and people who listen to Sean Paul on my list of annoying cretins. But you know, it's been shown time and time again that second-hand smoke is dangerous. They've written books about it. They've made movies about it. Second-hand smoke is bad for you, yet people have absolutely no qualms about lighting up in front of a group of people. If I was in line at a bar and decided to pull my pants down and drop a nasty deuce on the ground, you know what would happen? The apocalypse, that's what. Yet there's no correlation between the smell of poo and dangers to our body. Where are our priorities?

And it's not just health reasons. People who smoke cigarettes also feel the need to brazenly hold their cigarette like it's a piece of chalk. Hey fuckshit, it's a stick on fire! Be careful with that thing. Call me a pussy, but I don't like getting burned. I'm weird like that.

Moving on, say you go to Store 24 and all you want is a three-pack of condoms that you're never going to use and will sit in my desk collecting dust while I jack off to those jelly-fucking websites. Anyway, you're waiting patiently in line, but you have to wait behind the dickface who's taking six hours to buy lottery tickets. You know what, jerkoff? You're not going to win. And you know why you're not going to win? Because you're a loser. Because only a loser goes in to Store 24 specifically to buy lottery tickets. Go home and spend some time with your family. They miss you.

Or say you're at the movies, and some asshole's cell phone goes off. You know what? This complaint has become a cliché. Even Best Buy is showing elaborate ads before the movie to tell you to turn your cell phone off. I mean, Christ, it's not as though they just invented cell phones and society as a whole hasn't decided the only thing worse for a moviegoer than someone's cell phone going off is having to sit through something starring Sarah Jessica Parker. Do you know how ignorant you have to be to still have your cell phone go off in the movies? It's like not knowing it's uncool to still put the Japanese in internment camps.

I could go on forever, but I've been drinking. Anyway, to help you avoid a steady diet of painstaking ignorance, here's a sampling of people to avoid, with my typical dose of generalization and malaise.

People in the City

For those of you who live in the suburbs or rural areas, you might think I'm making a mountain of a molehill, and to that I say nay. Believe me, I grew up in the suburbs. The rudeness in the city dwarfs it. It's staggering. I don't know how it is in LA or New York, but the city of Boston is like a half-million people who grew up without parents. And if they did have parents, their parents were blazing crackheads. I'm telling you, move to an area with a surplus of Starbucks, a public transit system, and far too many minorities and you'll understand. Hey, speaking of minorities...

Foreigners

I hate to get political, but you know? I am completely for racial profiling. Last spring I went to Vegas and my roommate Rob, who's whiter than the Family Stone and can barely balance his checkbook let alone plot another 9/11, was selected in the airport for a random bag check. You see, they have random bag checks because it's much more politically correct to ignore people you actually believe could bomb the plane and make innocent Whitey suffer. Liberals consider that a victory.

You know what, when I get on the plane, I'm not worried about guys like Rob, I'm worried about the guy with the turban and an elaborate beard. And if that makes me a racist, so be it. I'm not claiming all Muslims are trying to blow up airplanes, but considering a large proportion of terrorists in the past 20 years have been of Arabic descent, is it wrong to be skeptical? Isn't that just playing the numbers? And about those turbans, do me a favor, when you get on the plane, stick it in your fucking carry-on. I realize it's a religious thing but how about showing a little compassion? We're less than a decade removed from an atrocious attack on our nation's soil by people of your very religion. Hey, if Catholics had been responsible for 9/11, I'd gladly take off my “Jesus Loves Me” t-shirt before boarding.

If you think I'm being ignorant, remember something: we're the only nation in the world that actually caters to foreigners. For example, in high school I went to Paris and was told by my teacher not to wear any shirt with English writing because that irritates French people (granted it doesn't take much to irritate a country that's currently 0-17-1 all-time in wars, but still). We did as we were told, and you know why? Because France is not my country! If you're going to come to America, you should adapt to me. You're a guest in my country, wipe your shoes, don't chew with your mouth open, and if you get on board a plane, take off your fucking turban!

Old People

Except for my grandmas and the guy who used to chug beer on The Man Show, old people annoy the piss out of me. If you think I'm wrong, spend a couple of hours in the supermarket. Old fucks saunter through there like their names are Henry and Henrietta Stopandshop. I've never seen anything like the rudeness inherent in old people at the supermarket.

One time, I was wandering through the baked goods aisle looking for some tasty Frosted Donettes, and some old lady had her cart perpendicular to the aisle making it impossible for anyone not named Kate Moss to get by. I rolled up to her so she could clearly see me, and yet she didn't move. I even gave her the old “Excuse me?” and you know what she did? (Christ, I'm getting pissed just typing this.) She smirked. One of those smirks you make at people who are walking their dog in the park and stop to pick up the pooch's shit. Oh man, did that piss me off. I wish that old bat had one of those rolling oxygen tanks. I'd disconnect it and beat her over the head with it.

High School Kids

I'm not trying to sound like an old fart (I mean hell, I was just in high school six years ago), but my God teenagers today suck ass. What is wrong with these kids? Maybe they're disillusioned because a network that calls itself Music Television doesn't play any music. Maybe the music they do hear sucks ass (I mean, seriously, "Come get yo Laffy Taffy"? How are there not more school shootings?). Maybe it's because marijuana prices have gone up? Or because gas prices are real high and you can't drive around Taco Bell for hours on end pretending you're cool? Personally, I think it's time we start abusing kids again.

Middle-Aged Women

Again, Mommy notwithstanding, middle-aged women make we want to pour dry ice down my pants and sit through the WNBA playoffs. What is wrong with middle-aged women? Ever been at a cash register standing behind one of these menopausal mavens and and had to watch them while they get their change? What do they do? They get their change and then take their sweet time putting it back in their purse, all the while NOT moving from the fucking cash register, forcing poor Justin and his $.89 and pack of Bubble Yum bubblegum to wait for this “rhymes with bunt” to mosey her fat twat out of my way.

Here's the problem: middle-aged women have nobody to impress but their fat slob of a husband, ungrateful kids, and the other hoes in the beauty shop. And that, dear readers, is how rudeness is born.

All of the aforementioned shitbags are not concerned about their fellow man. When you're in your twenties, all you do is try to impress people: men and women you find attractive, prospective employers, professors, parents, friends. Christ, I try to look my best for the Palestinian fellow at Dunkin Donuts who pronounces “Coolatta” with an “m.”

You think foreigners give a baker's fuck if they piss off Americans? Of course not, because our society caters to them. Same with old people; I swear if I hear the phrase “greatest generation” one more time, I'm going to rape Matlock. Why don't you ask old blacks and Jews and Asians how they felt about the greatest generation in the 30’s and 40’s and 50’s? High school kids aren't quite human so I'll let them pass. But everyone else, there will be no passing.

As for people in our age group who are impolite assholes, stop having sex with them. That's all. Trust me, I'm a guy, I learned a long time ago that only the purest and most focused assholes get laid on a spectacularly regular basis. So stop boning them. I don't have sex with ignorant girls, and that has everything to do with me trying to promote change and nothing to do with said girls approaching me like a rabbit approaches fox piss.

So please, let's all do our part. Screw the environment and the homeless and the Kansas City Royals. There is a far greater issue that needs our care, and that issue is rudeness. Listen to what I've said and give it a shot. And if it doesn't work, I'll tell you what, you don't even have to thank me.

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