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The Obscene Hatred List
>>> Casual Misanthropy
By staff writer JD Rebello
March 28, 2004
I realize my last few columns have been really negative, and I'd hate for you all to think that I'm a negative person. That's not true. I really love a lot of shit. Those who know me know how much I love my dog, Madden 2004, Sam Adams beer, Bill Simmons, girls with funny voices, Curb Your Enthusiasm, etc.
I digress. The name of the column is "Casual Misanthropy," not "Puppy Dogs and Flowers." So, yeah, a lot of what you read here is negative reaction to my fucked up world view. What you've been reading the last few months is only the tip of the iceberg. I've yet to truly lay down my absolute hatreds, to the point they could be described as obscene. And since people love emailing me and asking me what I think about so-and-so, I figured I'd offer a template of the worst of the worst.
Bear in mind, this is a work-in-progress, so please don't email or IM me with "You forgot this...." By the way, this is only my opinion, and I could be wrong. I'm not wrong, but for the sake of argument I could be.
And without further ado,
The Obscene Hatred List!
65. People who don't watch (understand?) hockey.
66. People who play Nintendo Gamecube. (Why, when you can very easily own PS2?) In fact, anyone who played Nintendo growing up and considers themselves superior to Sega people. (You all know Sonic could bitchslap Mario six ways past Sunday.)
67. Cable companies carrying BET, Lifetime, NOW, Oxygen, MTV Latino, E!, and SciFi Channel, but NOT ESPN Classic.
68. Math/Science requirements for journalism majors, professors who wear jeans, professors who have office hours for a half an hour once a week, professors who enforce mandatory attendance, professors who hold the class late teaching and say, "Hold on, this will only take a minute..."
69. People who don't like Super Troopers, Porky's, Field of Dreams, Swingers, Clerks and the Mighty Ducks trilogy.
70. Anyone 18 and above who wears a high school letter jacket, anyone who took AP's, anyone who won any kind of prom king/queen thing and puts it on their resume.
71. People who smoke weed and think they are Tony Montana, people who smoke weed while listening to Jermaine Dupri, people who don't get high right away when they smoke weed but act like they did.
72. People who quit fantasy sports one month into the season because their team sucks.
73. English-speaking people who speak in a foreign language when it's not necessary.
74. The last episode of Seinfeld, Friends since Chandler and Monica got together, Frasier since Niles and Daphne got together, SNL since Will Ferrell left.
75. Black athletes who evoke historical figures to describe their current business situations. For example, Terrell Owens compared himself to Rosa Parks during a contract dispute so he could make $15 million in signing bonuses. (Did I miss a day of history somewhere?)
76. Anyone who breaks any of my "Golden Rules of Instant Messenger."
77. Republicans.
78. Batman and Robin, Terminator 3, every sequel ever made (except for the Mighty Ducks movies, Back to the Future, and Indiana Jones), any movie by Spike Lee (except for "25th Hour" and "Summer of Sam"), Bad Boys 2, Charlie's Angels 2, any movie with Vin Diesel, any movie with Julia Roberts (except for "Ocean's Eleven"), any movie featuring old white guys speaking Ebonics, any movie featuring women dancing around to "I Will Survive," any movie that ends with a wedding, prom, or airport (not including "Love Actually", cause that movie rocks!), any chick flicks particularly "Dirty Dancing" and "Pretty Woman," any movie with Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan together, any movie with gay-ass elves and shit that wins 16,351 Oscars.
79. People who get drunk and spend the entire night telling you how drunk they are.
80. Students who nod at everything the professor says, people who bring full meals to class, girls who show up to class 45 minutes late with perfect hair and makeup and a cup of coffee.
81. Reality Shows, Dating Shows, "Talent" Shows. As a subcategory, the worst of the genre are (in ascending order of suckitude) Survivor, Joe Millionaire, Bachelorette, American Idol.
82. The MBTA, Boston construction, the Boston accent in general, expensive-ass housing, nonstop taxation (without representation!), people from Massachusetts thinking they are better than the rest of New England. (Other than that, great city!)
83. Business majors.
84. Metrosexuals, and anyone who uses the term. (I prefer "queers-in-training.")
85. Mariah Carey, 50 Cent, Justin Timberlake, Missy Elliot, any current rapper except for Dre, Snoop, and Eminem. Any band that pretends to be Blink 182. Metallica. Every solo project ever. Every artist who doesn't write their own lyrics. Every music video that rips off "Mo Money, Mo Problems." Limp Bizkit. Kid Rock.
86. Anyone who takes a little too much interest in Star Wars, Star Trek, LOTR, Dungeons and Dragons, Magic, Final Fantasy, etc.
87. Girls who need attention, girls who cry when they drink, girls who love to perpetuate drama, girls who are fake, girls who don't apologize, girls who are spoiled, girls who can't watch a wedding on TV without commenting on the bride's dress.
88. Fat people, particularly those who: need an extra seat on an airplane or in a movie theater but refuse to pay for it, blame McDonalds for their fatness (causing McD's to take away Super-sizing, complete and utter bullshit), fat people who show a lot of skin, fat women who blame men for their fatness, fat people who say "It's glandular!"
89. Anyone who watches Anime.
90. Guys who wear cargo pants, guys who wear Abercrombie hats, guys who know TOO much about cars, guys who get offended by the "C-word," guys who are whipped, guys who pick hoes before bros, guys who don't watch sports, guys who order chick drinks, guys who like to dance, guys who like to sing.
91. MTV, post-1996.
92. The cancellation of the "Family Guy."
93. Game 6, Brett Favre (back in the day), John Elway, Bill Cowher, Ulf Samuellson, the entire NBA except for Garnett and Pierce, any sports team from New York or New Jersey, any California sports team.
94. Junk emails from companies wanting to give me bigger erections, bigger breasts, bigger ears.
95. The following states: South Carolina, Texas, California, New York, Vermont, Minnesota, and West Virginia. People from Puerto Rico who put their flag in their car, people from other countries who refuse to learn any English, people who moved here from other countries who constantly bitch about America, people who are going to write me calling me racist even though they agree with all this shit.
96. Roger Clemens, the only athlete ever to make me so angry I burst into tears.
97. People who hate America.
98. The New York Yankees and everything they represent, especially their fans.
99. Feminists.
100. People who spend their whole lives complaining. Oh, wait.
26 Comments
I agree with so much of that except for one, Republicans. I don't hold that against you but I don't understand how you are so right on everything, except that. It only surprises me though because I thought only Republicans agreed that all people Americans should speak English and that the McDonald's suits were ridiculous, and were against the Yankees. Overall though I'd have to say, wonderfully put to everything written in this article.
"67. Cable companies carrying BET, Lifetime, NOW, Oxygen, MTV Latino, E!, and SciFi Channel, but NOT ESPN Classic."
"87. Girls who need attention, girls who cry when they drink, girls who love to perpetuate drama, girls who are fake, girls who don't apologize, girls who are spoiled, girls who can't watch a wedding on TV without commenting on the bride's dress."
"92. The cancellation of the "Family Guy.""
Can I get an amen from the congregation?
Oh, and while I am a republican, I think I know what you're talking about when you say that you hate them. It's one thing to be conservative and registered as a republican...its another to blindly hate anything else because Rush Limbaugh says so. No political party in America is perfect, including the one that you are registered to, be it republican, democrat, green or otherwise.
You're right on about everything, except the Republican thing. Seriously, the creepiest image I have ever seen is Hillary Clinton wearing a Yankees hat. The stuff of nightmares.
I completely support your hatred of Republicans.(and pretty much everything else in this article..except I think that the original 2 star wars sequels deserve to be listed with the 'good sequals')
why did you start with number 65?
I have to agree you seem to be more republican then anything else. Unless your crazy enough to be a independent. Oh and when are you going to start writing something that isnt whining or bitching. I only ask because I have enjoyed your other posts but lately your new ones are pretty annoying you seem to be turning into one the girls who needs attention bitches. Oh I totally agree with the last part of 71.
What's up with hating on Minnesota? You loved the Mighty Ducks movies but hated the place that inspired them. I don't get, please elaborate.
About everything else though, I am in complete agreement.
Apparently Adult Swim renewed Family Guy for a fourth season starting in 2005 (I think). So you can release your hatred in that particular instance. Or hate Fox for cancelling it in the first place. Fuckers
Why do you hate Minnesota? :(
I was just busting balls about the whole state hatred thing. It's kind of retaliation over the whole hating South backlash. I think Minnesota's a fine state. It's one of the few states that appreciates the brilliance of hockey. Also, I may share some Republican values, but Republicans think they own this country and they are stuck up jackasses with simplistic POVs. I'm an independent, I believe what I want, not what Dubya tells me. By the way, I'm drunk again.
I'm not saying I like the Yankees (I don't like them or their fans), but if you really hate what the Yankees "represent," then this is part of an article written by Joel Stein of Time is a good read.
"The other 29 teams in Major League Baseball are around just to spur New York to further greatness, but when the Diamondbacks, Angels and Marlins do accidentally win, it's all the more exciting for them because they felled the rich, advantaged Yankees. I know it seems unfair that New York's vast television revenue gives the Yankees a permanent advantage. If all the cities had the same amount of money, every year might be as exciting in a roll-of-the-dice way, but there would be no truth in it. America is a nation of vast economic, educational and ethnic disparities. The Yankees are the real America."
"Americans haven't been underdogs since 1812. We like to remember the Alamo because we fought long odds and had to give up an entire building; the Mexicans remember Texas. If ever a country's character demanded that it root against the underdog, it's ours. We are the country of crushing, monolithic corporations — of McDonald's, Wal-Mart and companies such as Aramark, Cendant and Sysco that are so powerful we don't even know what they do. We crush foreign dictators for looking at us funny. Underdogs are for Canadians."
"Every team has its creation myth: the Cubs teach the value of loyalty through suffering; the Red Sox, that every day is a new opportunity; the Expos, that for Canada, World's Fairs are exciting as it gets. The Yankees are the only team that teaches the true story of our country — that might mixed with class, talent and hard work often breeds success. Also, that pinstripes have a slimming effect. Except on David Wells."
"You want to teach your kids that the Yankees are evil, that the true way lies in the struggles of the sickly Brewers and Devil Rays? Go ahead and tell them bedtime stories for losers. But don't go on pretending that there is something righteous in it."
I hate people that complain about a list of complaints.
Did I miss something? It starts at 65 ...
The reason it starts at 65 is because it's a scale, so if someone were to ask how I feel about the Yankees, I'd say it ranks about a 98 on my obscene hatred list. I figured 65 was a good starting-off point.
78. Batman and Robin, Terminator 3, every sequel ever made (except for the Mighty Ducks movies, Back to the Future, and Indiana Jones)...
Come on, what about the Die Hard trilogy?
I was glad to see the damn New York Yankees make your shit list. But you should have elaborated. However, I suppose words can't truly describe the pure, seething hatred a non-Yankees fan feels for those arrogant, pin-striped fuckwits...
Curse the Yankees!
your so fucking funny , seriously there are tears in my eyes. i love you!
I love the way the list started-"People who don't watch (understand) hockey". It's called "The coolest game on Earth" for a reason people!!(Go Bruins! Stanley-Cup Bound, perhaps? *wink,wink* Sorry, that was weird.)
#86- If I know a lot of people like that, does that make me a loser by association? What if I'm not really friends with them? Is that ok?
#89- For the love of God, someone tell me why this is so popular? Who would want to spend their free time watching crap like Anime?!? I just don't get it.
#98-I just can't wait to get back at the Yankees. I'm already waiting for October(salivating actually. I hope I didn't just jinx them. Oh well. Go Red Sox!! 8pm, Sunday, ESPN, I'm so there!!)
I say well kill all stupid people,they rank top of my list.. but then again I think all people are stupid.
your still my hero, been makin me laugh since you were just a wee Dickie Bumhug. Later
ok im sorry i messed up, i was tired it was 12:06am and all and i was going to bed and i was like crap, its actually dickie bumlove
You're my god
Surprisingly I actually agree with you on most of these things.
Except the Republican thing, seeing as I am republican. Though I too hate a lot of republicans, liberals, independents.. my hatred of stupidity holds no political affiliation.
This is one of the most complete and true lists of important things to hate that I have ever seen. 95% of the list is right on the mark. Congrats on not giving a fuck what people will say in response......you know they all are thinking the same thing.
I can't believe you harbor an obscene hatred for John Elway. You should see the Explorer that fine specimen of humanity just sold me. Runs like a caddy...
I think you're a little bitch who sits around and complains about how much you "hate" this or that and find other people who like to bitch about everything and everyone and doesn't know anything about deep, seething, monstrous hatred. Hatred so fierce that if it wasn't so illegal, you'd cut someone's skin off while they were awake or wait until they and their family are sitting down to dinner and burn their house down. That's hate. Not this "obscene" hatred. This? This is ludicrous.
Your shit's weak. You don't know the first think about hate. You know a lot about frustration and boredom, it seems.
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