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Watching the Oscars for me is a lot like watching porn. Occasionally
something great and climactic happens, but eventually you are just left
disappointed with a big wad on your hand. In a related note, don't you
just hate when you think you have a great metaphor, but the more you
explain it, the crappier and less tangible it sounds? So there's nothing
you can do except reference how bad of a metaphor it was and hope your
reader just thinks you're really clever and not hopped up on PCP?
Where was I?
Last year's Oscars were an
emotional roller coaster. The high point for me was that fat fuck
who directed Bowling for Columbine (last year's second best film)
pissing off anyone and everyone, as well as Barbara Streisand
swallowing her tongue upon reading that Eminem was now an Oscar
winner. But there were low points, namely Chicago winning Best
Picture and scoring Brownie points for homosexuals everywhere. I
still stand firm in my belief that musicals should not be nominated
as movies. Filming a musical doesn't make it a movie, let alone a
great movie. My eyes are starting to bleed so here's a quick rant on
musicals, bulleted for your pleasure.
• They
are gay.
•
The acting sucks.
•
The special effects suck.
•
They have no plot. What the hell is with Stomp anyway? Banging on a
trash can shouldn't be considered high theatre.
•
They are really, really gay. Like riding a bicycle without a seat
and enjoying it gay.
Whoo. I feel better now. Ok, here are my Oscar picks, including a
special addition as to who I think should have been nominated.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
• Shohreh
Aghdashloo in HOUSE OF SAND & FOG (DreamWorks Pictures)
• Patricia
Clarkson in PIECES OF APRIL (United Artists)
• Marcia
Gay Harden in MYSTIC RIVER (Warner Bros.)
• Holly
Hunter in THIRTEEN (Fox Searchlight Pictures)
• Renee
Zellweger in COLD MOUNTAIN (Miramax)
I have a confession, I haven't seen any of the above movies, and
have only heard of three. So, much like most people do it, I'll just
root for the person I most want to bang. That would be Renee
Zellweger, who was in her banging prime during Jerry Maguire and
putting on a little weight for her role in Briget Jones' Diary. I
don't get it, I love really skinny girls, but some girls look better
with the weight on, like Jennifer Aniston in early Friends and that
girl Hugh Grant hooks up with in Love, Actually. (More on that movie
in a bit.)
PICK: Renee Zellweger
PERSONAL PICK: Scarlett Johanssen, LOST IN TRANSLATION
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
• Alec
Baldwin in THE COOLER (Lions Gate Films)
• Benicio
Del Toro in 21 GRAMS (Focus Features)
• Djimon
Hounsou in IN AMERICA (Fox Searchlight)
• Tim
Robbins in MYSTIC RIVER (Warner Bros.)
• Ken
Watanabe in THE LAST SAMURAI (Warner Bros.)
The only one I've seen is Last Samurai, a solid movie. But I'm still
bitter at the Japanese for Pearl Harbor (not so much the event as
the Ben Affleck, Josh Hartnett 3 hour shitstorm of a couple of years
ago). So I'll pick Alec Baldwin. He looked like he did a good job
judging from the one commercial I've seen for the movie.
PICK: Alec Baldwin
PERSONAL PICK: Seann William Scott, AMERICAN WEDDING
BEST DIRECTOR
• Fernando
Meirelles for CITY OF GOD (Miramax)
• Peter
Jackson for THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE RETURN OF THE KING (New Line
Cinema)
• Peter
Weir for MASTER & COMMANDER: THE FAR SIDE OF THE WORLD (20th Century
Fox)
• Sofia
Coppola for LOST IN TRANSLATION (Focus Features)
• Clint
Eastwood for MYSTIC RIVER (Warner Bros.)
I refuse to pick Lord of the Rings for this, or any, category. My
money's on Clint Eastwood. Beside the fact that it looks like a
badass movie, and Clint Eastwood is a real badass anyway. What is
Sofia Coppola even doing here? Sure Lost in Translation was a great
movie, but didn't Hollywood exile her after Godfather 3?
PICK: Eastwood
PERSONAL PICK: Whoever directed Love Actually, that movie
kicked ass. Please don't take away my man card.
BEST ACTOR
• Johnny
Depp in PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: THE CURSE OF THE BLACK PEARL
(Buena Vista)
• Ben
Kingsley in HOUSE OF SAND AND FOG (DreamWorks Pictures)
• Jude
Law in COLD MOUNTAIN (Miramax)
• Bill
Murray in LOST IN TRANSLATION (Focus Features)
• Sean
Penn in MYSTIC RIVER (Warner Bros.)
Johnny Depp was badass in Pirates, an otherwise average movie, but
he was only the second best part of that. The best was introducing
the world to Keira Knightley. Hot damn, she's a piece of ass. Gimme
a sec to dwell on the hotness of Keira Knightley.
Seven minute intermission....
Ok, back. Ok, now I can focus again. My pick goes to Bill Murray,
which leads me to my top five Bill Murray performances:
5. Wild Things
4. Lost in Translation
3. Caddyshack
2. Ghostbusters
1. Groundhog Day (STRIPES would have been on here, but I've
never seen it--I'm ignorant I guess)
PICK: Bill Murray
PERSONAL PICK: Nemo from FINDING NEMO
BEST ACTRESS
• Keisha
Castle-Hughes in WHALE RIDER (Newmarket Films)
• Diane
Keaton in SOMETHING'S GOTTA GIVE (Columbia Pictures)
• Samantha
Morton in IN AMERICA (Fox Searchlight)
• Charlize
Theron in MONSTER (Newmarket Films)
• Naomi
Watts in 21 GRAMS (Focus Features)
Again, I haven't seen any of these movies, so that leaves chick I
most want to bone. Hey, I don't make the rules. Samantha Morton
freaked me out in Minority Report so she's out. Diane Keaton's too
old. That Whale Rider chick is like 10, and the cops have been
watching me like a hawk since my
Hilary Duff article. So that leave Charlize Theron and Naomi
Watts. I would give my left nut and rent out my right one for a shot
at either. But I hear Charlize is a butch lesbian in her movie, so
I'm going with Naomi. I'm telling you, rent Mulholland Drive. The
movie is a goddamn sham, but Naomi has a lesbian full frontal nude
scene that's just amazing. Seriously, when I returned the DVD to
Hollywood Video there was significant wear on the track from me
playing that scene so damn much.
PICK: Naomi
PERSONAL PICK: J-Lo from GIGLI (Kidding! I'll go with my girl
Reese Witherspoon in LEGALLY BLONDE 2, one of the worst movies I've
ever seen, but she's so fine.)
BEST PICTURE
• LORD
OF THE RINGS: RETURN OF THE KING (New Line Cinema)
• LOST
IN TRANSLATION (Focus Features)
• MASTER
& COMMANDER: THE FAR SIDE OF THE WORLD (20th Century Fox)
• MYSTIC
RIVER (Warner Bros.)
• SEABISCUIT
(Universal Pictures)
Let's see. The only one I've seen is Translation, which was good but
was more The Bill Murray Show, not a best picture. You already know
how I feel about the Rings. Seabiscuit is a sports movie, which
scores points but it's about a horse. I can't see myself getting
worked up over a horse. Maybe a dog or a monkey. Master and
Commander looked cool, but had Russell Crowe, who's a real dick.
Mystic River is set in Boston, so I'm gonna pick that one.
PICK: MYSTIC RIVER
PERSONAL PICK: LOVE, ACTUALLY
Ok let me set something straight
about Love, Actually, a movie I mercilessly made fun of prior to
seeing for being just another dumbass chick flick with Hugh Grant.
For whatever reason, a few of my whipped guy friends were dragged to
see it, and raved about it to me, so I saw it. Let me tell you, it's
amazing. You all know how much I am against the Chick Flick
movement, and I still stand tall that women shouldn't vote.
(Kidding! Oh, stop writing letters!) But Love, Actually was the best
movie that I've seen all last year, yes, better than Bad Boys 2!
(Again, kidding, Bad Boys 2 made me wanna jab my eye sockets out.)
See Love Actually, strictly for the old British pop singer who's all
pissed off at the world, the following line all by itself it worth
the price of admission.
RADIO GUY: Who was your all time favorite shag?
AGING POP STAR: Britney Spears. Oh, I'm just kidding. She was
rubbish.
Great movie, and it's got tits, so there ya go.
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