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Editor's Update 11-22-05: The Daily Collegian
apologizes to PIC.
So, I was reading Ali’s “Mind
of a Single Girl” article last week (which I found fabulous by
the way—that’s right, I said “fabulous”—sorry, I’ve got Sex and
the City going in the background, I’ll turn it off). Anyway,
Court linked it to my own “Mind
of a Single Guy.” For those who haven’t read it, by all means,
read. It is to literature what Chris Rock is to baseball. So enjoy.
Don’t worry. I’ll wait.
*Whistles the tune from Love Boat*
Okay, you finished?
Well, thanks to reader Wes, I was informed of a strikingly similar
article in the University of Massachusetts-Amherst paper, The
Daily Collegian. That article, written by Mr. Ben Feder, is
here.
Now, in case you’re wondering, “Single Guy” was published way back
in 2003. Ben Feder’s screaming piece of plagiarism was published in
April, 2005. So, sing it with me: RIPOFF!
"Maybe in four more years, he’ll learn never to
plagiarize me again or I’ll cut his penis off, feed it to my dog,
videotape the whole thing, and mail it to his lover, Simon." But,
who exactly is Ben Feder, anyway? Oh sure, his name is dangerously
close to “bed wetter,” but let’s be mature about this donkey cock
for a second. I’d like to break down Mr. Feder, if I may, because
honestly the two pieces are kind of different.
Me: That was a solid Shakira dream last night.
Ben Feder: That was a solid Lindsay Lohan dream last night.
Ok, Shakira and Lindsay Lohan are not that close. Shakira is an
unbelievably sexy singer with a great voice and a spectacular ass.
Oh my goodness, that ass. Lindsay Lohan, by contrast, is some kind
of mutant—awful singer, hideous actress, not even that great of a
rack, considering it’s most likely fictitious. So, if I may draw
parallels, in a way, I am Shakira to Ben Feder’s Lindsay Lohan.
Fascinating. I’m talented and entertaining. Ben Feder is a mutant
with fucked up tits. Again, parallels.
Me: Shampoo is better...HAHA damn Billy Madison is funny.
Ben Feder: Shampoo might help me through. Damn Billy Madison
is funny.
I can’t claim Billy Madison for my own. Millions of people
have seen it. Am I the only one allowed to embrace Adam Sandler’s
comedic masterwork? I think that would be awfully high horsey of me.
Me: Shaving is cool. Why do girls complain about shaving
their legs? I damn near rip my jugular every morning. Boobs. Jugular
is a funny word. So is mustard. I guess a lot of words are funny if
you think about it.
Ben Feder: Shaving is cool. Why do girls complain about
shaving their legs? I damn near rip my jugular every morning. Boobs.
Jugular is a funny word, so is dynamite. I guess a lot of words are
funny if you think about it. Dynamite.
Ok, he used “dynamite” instead of “mustard.” This gentleman is
bursting with creativity. So who is Ben Feder anyway? Well, I tried
to friend him on Facebook, but he has not yet accepted. Perhaps he
was turned off by my introductory Facebook message: “You son of a
fucking monkey's bitch. You ripped off my column, you're dead to me.
Mind of Single Guy, sound fucking familiar? Your paper is done. I am
taking legal action against you and your mom.”
Now. Looking back, I may have come across strong. So I read some of
Ben’s other columns for The Daily Collegian. Here are some
samples:
From “College was a party,” May
12:
“I once owned this campus; in a figurative sense anyway. Like all
of us graduating seniors, I couldn't walk from the Campus Center to
Herter without running into 30 friends and waving to 20 others.”
Isn’t this something a chick would write? “Look at me. Look at all
the friends I have.” Isn’t this
outrageously vaginal? My guess is, Ben has one friend, some
deformed fuck named Scott with bad hair and worse teeth. Oh, and his
hand. And his kiddie porn.
From the same column:
“Immediately the symbolism struck me. College is like a big
party.”
Ooh, college is a party. What inspiration. Where did you come up
with such a blistering metaphor? From Animal House? From
Old School? From the fact that everyone and their mother, and
their mother’s mother’s dead dog knows that? Hey Ben, you know what
else: “Politics are corrupt.” Oh, and “Blacks steal.” Everyone knows
that shit. Here’s the funniest part: that was the final column of
his senior year, meaning it took him four years to put it together.
Maybe in four more years, he’ll learn never to plagiarize me ever
again or I’ll cut his penis off, feed it to my dog, videotape the
whole thing, and mail it to his lover, Simon. Fuck Ben Feder in his
asshole with a steel boot.
From “Bar Scenes and the Wild,” March 3:
“As a straight male, you can never suggest going to the bar, for
this implies dancing.”
Huh? Since when is it gay to go to the bar with your boys? And who
dances at bars? You mean clubs? Yeah,
dancing goes on at bars, but you know what else? So does picking
up chicks. Didn’t one of your 30 friends walking from Campus Center
to Herter tell you that? Faggot. And what’s with the homophobia?
It’s gay to go drinking with your buddies? Sounds like talk from
someone who has no buddies. That’s awfully sad. Now who’s going to
rape you when you’re feeling lonely?
From “The Facebook and fantasy,” Nov. 17:
“I am obsessed with the Facebook...My next thought was about
fantasy sports.”
Oh right. We already covered this guy’s rides plagiarizing me like
he probably rides little boys. Let’s just move on. Oh, and the
riding little boys thing isn’t libelous because I said “probably.”
As in, “Ben Feder probably smokes more pole than Nathan Lane.”
Again, “probably.” It’s a valuable word.
From “Simplicity Scores points,” Feb. 3:
“Well, I was recently been in the company of four women in their
living room, and I did some reporting on their thoughts on
relationships and love as we watched The Divine Secrets of the
Ya-Ya Sisterhood (please don't judge; it was either that or
Pretty Woman).”
Let’s start at the top. “I was recently been...” That’s not proper
English. I realize The Daily Collegian is, well, daily, but
don’t these dickheads have
copy editors? Was recently been. Are you kidding me? As Lewis
Black once asked, “How do you diagram that sentence? You take a
pencil, and you stick it in your eye.” Next, now that we’ve
established that he watched Divine Secrets
with four women, and that he chose the PG-13 Sandra Bullock
shitstorm over the movie where at least you see part of Julia
Roberts’ ass—not that Pretty Woman is a good movie, but
surely better than anything with “Ya-ya” in the title—we can assume
he’s gay. And that’s fine, but he should at least come to terms with
it, and not accuse guys going to the bar with other guys of the same
sexual practice. There’s nothing wrong with being gay, but don’t
live by a double standard.
There’s more, I could tell you about how in his tips to men column,
tip number 2 is “Don’t lie” and tip number 3 is “Be honest.” Or how
he’s giving dating advice a week after he claimed he was single. I’m
single, do I carry on like the old braud on TV that talks endlessly
(and horrifyingly) about orgasms? Please tell me if I do. Or his
claim that Will and Grace “boasted primetime with humor.” Or
his claim that The OC is a sitcom. And a good one at that! I
could go on and on, but all I can do is implore you, dear reader, to
observe the Ben Feder archives, provided
here.
So there you have it, Ben Feder is a douchebag. If I were you, I’d
Facebook message him with the following:
Plagiarism n.: Taking the writings or literary
concepts (a plot, characters, words) of another and selling and/or
publishing them as one's own product. Quotes which are brief or are
acknowledged as quotes do not constitute plagiarism. The actual
author can bring a lawsuit for appropriation of his/her work against
the plagiarist and recover the profits. Normally plagiarism is not a
crime, but it can be used as the basis of a fraud charge or
copyright infringement if prior creation can be proven.
I realize Ben’s column was written way back in April, but Ben still
needs to learn a lesson. Points in Case is not some humdrum source
for your lies and deceit. As a writer, I am truly saddened and
ashamed to call Ben Feder one of my own.
Also, he’s a giant horse’s cock and I hope he dies in a car fire.
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