Don't Be THAT GUY

9. The Jock Douchebag

For some reason every guy who plays a sport thinks it's war. I like sports, and I even play a few (teeball, most notably), but honestly, don't give me this bullshit like
you're a fuckin' soldier for playing a kid's game. I love when you diss a sport and these 'roid fags tell you, "Yeah, play it. You'll change your tune. :Grunt:" Fuck off.
Rugby and hockey players are the biggest offenders here. Apparently, they've never contemplated the homoerotic tendencies of a "scrum."



8. The Rich Prick

This has a lot to do with the fact that I went to a private high school, and was day in day out exposed to idiot rich kids who had to buy shit to make friends. The same
holds true now. If you have a nice car, good for you. Shut up about it. And by the way, if you're a guy, other guys don't care how much you spent on that sweater from
Neiman Marcus.



7. The Body Fluid Guy

The bane of every party, some asshole has a little too much to drink and shares it with everyone in the room—graphically. As part of the party etiquette, any person
who boots on the floor should be tasered and exiled from the premises. Personal note: my freshman year, I had a bit too much to drink at a party and got sick. However, I
did it in a trash can in a dark room while loud music was playing. That's how it gets done.



6. The "I have a ton of sex" Guy

Maybe this is because my dick belongs on the Missing Persons list, but I truly despise guys who feel the need to regale others in their sexual tales. What is the point of
this? Do other guys care? I've never once heard a sex story and been fascinated. Unless there's a wooden leg or a broken condom involved, it really doesn't compel
me.



5. The Foreign Guy Who Gets all the Chicks

Hey, Enrique, stay away from our women. It's bad enough you took my job, ruined the suburb, and fucked up the economy, now you gonna take my fly ass white chicks. I'm
gonna require that girls start wearing INS jackets to bars and clubs, just to avoid this. (Wow, this went from comedy article to Klan meeting pretty quickly.)



4. The Female Male

Trendy people call it "metrosexual." I call it fucked up. Listen guys, this shit with acting like a woman. It's lame. Fucking lame. You're a guy. Burp, spit, fart, yell at
how badly the Dolphins suck. Don't tell me what kind of exfoliating cleanser you're using.



3. The Complete and Utter Moron

Whether you were born in Vermont, or just a business major, some people are just fucking idiots. And there's nothing you can do to help them. They tell stupid stories,
have no concept of wit or sarcasm, and laugh at things that aren't funny. These are the same people who helped "Bringing Down the House" make $100 million.

2. The Guy With No Guy Friends

I hate these guys. In elementary school, guys were playing ball, he was playing Skip-It. As time progressed, he was always around girls, and as a result garnered all the
unhealthy female traits, pension toward drama, mad fakeness, and enjoys "Chicago." Grow a pair, would you?



1. The Car Guy

You're standing around. You hear an engine. Car guy says: "Oh, I think that's a '68 Mustang, no '67 Mustang. No, '68. Well, let me see the headlights." Would you cut the
shit please? I've had it with these people. Fuckin' dickhead sees Fast and the Furious, suddenly he's J.D. Power and Associates. Now, granted, I know a boatload about
sports, but that's for practical purposes, gambling, fantasy teams, Madden 2004, my unhealthy love-hate relationship with the Red Sox. What is the point of knowing a
shitload about cars? Are you buying a new Mustang? No? Then what do you care? And if you see a car, keep it to yourself, don't give me the year, make, model, engine
capacity and then step back with that complacent smile, like you're the fuckin' shit because you masturbate to Auto Trader.



If you fall into any of the above categories, please do the world a favor and kill yourself.

Continue to "Don't Be THAT GIRL"
>>

|