I’m a journalist. At least, that’s what my $30,000 bill from Northeastern keeps informing me. So I’ve decided to stretch out to other mediums with my writing talents. (And by writing talents, I mean getting real shitfaced and passing out on my keyboard, throwing in a bevy of profanities, and pretending I get laid a lot, which I do. Or do I? Sigh.)
Anyway, I’ve been pitching columns to magazines for several months now, including ESPN, National Geographic (Justin beats the Bushmen at Madden 2005, on newsstands in August!), and now, Cosmo. That’s right kids, from the author of “Why Women Shouldn’t Vote and Should Get Back in the Kitchen,” I will soon be a regular Cosmo columnist. I’m not joking. I’ve already filled out my W2s and ish (I really don’t know what “ish” is: I saw it in some hot chick’s profile, if someone could explain it to me, I’d be eternally grateful). Anyway, my new column is entitled “The J Spot” (this is not a joke, so stop asking) and for my first column, they asked me to come up with 20 ways women could please their man. As someone who’s experience with pleasure is limited to leftover Chinese and lubricant, it was a tough assignment, but I’m a rugged journalist.
So here, to my brave audience (pretty much just Terri Schaivo), my first Cosmo column.
1. Long walks to the pornography store.
2. Wear a football jersey, particularly of a not-so-famous player (i.e. NOT Brett Favre, Tom Brady, Peyton Vagina…errr, Manning). I saw a girl in my class with a Tedy Bruschi jersey and I literally started crying.
3. Sandwiches cut diagonal.
4. When ordering food at a restaurant, keep your order to 1000 words or less. We don’t need: “Just give me a salad, with sprouts, mayonnaise sprouts. Are those fat free? What exactly is a sprout? No chicken, but ham and gorgonzola. Is Gorgonzola fat free? Can I order it ham-free? Is gorgonzola free? Not financially, fat-wise?” Enough is enough.
5. Cry during “Rudy” or “Field of Dreams.” Oh, and better still, don’t bring up the fact that we’re crying. May as well take a sledgehammer to our stepchildren.
6. Yes, we need a beer. We always need a beer.
7. Should you wear a skirt or pants? Umm, would you rather have Tom Brady or Peyton Manning? I think the answer is obvious.
8. And while we’re on fashion, lose the Ugg Boots in the summer. I’m sorry, are you scaling Everest with some fat, anorexic, OC-obsessed Sherpa? No? Put some regular shoes on, bitch.
9. The game will be over when we say it’s over.
10. And when the game IS over, listen to our drawn out explanations of what happened. Study up on 3-4 formations, steroid allegations, Sheffield’s sexuality, etc. We listen to you and your “feelings.”
11. Stop bitching to me about when Vegas Diaries Part 2 is getting written. It’ll get written when I get a minute.
12. Don’t make fun of our fantasy baseball team. It’s the biggest emotional investment we’ll make all year.
13. Don’t even think about dragging us to “Fever Pitch” or “Monster in Law” or “House of D” or pretty much anything that could have been written by Jane Tampax.
14. Speaking of entertainment, if what we’re watching involves a wedding, it really isn’t necessary to comment on her dress. That goes for awards shows, concerts, etc. You don’t hear me saying, “My that Johnny Damon has excellent batting gloves. Those really are beautiful batting gloves.”
15. Yes, we think Brad Pitt is an excellent actor. No, we don’t think he’s handsome.
16. Blowjobs, blowjobs, blowjobs. Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice.
17. If we say something sexist, don’t accuse us of being sexist. Just trust us, we know what’s for your own good. Now make yourself useful and iron this.
18. When all else fails, show a little crack.
19. Don’t expect 20 when we can only deliver 19. Probably the most sage advice you’ll ever receive from a male.
See you on the pink pages!