Against Your Will

By staff writer Jonathan Marine

An eloquent disposition on the experiences and people inherent to college life from the perspective of an outright asshole.

Article Archives | 2008, 2007

2008 - Present

April 2008

How to Break Up with a Girl | 4-17-08
The best way to break up with a girl is to be honest with her. So go ahead, tell her she's fat, annoying, crazy, or terrible at sex.

The Fire Within Me - Chapter 3 | 4-14-08
Things were easy in the asexual, academic exploration of kindergarten. Until Katie Keeney introduced Marine to stubborn womanry.

The Fire Within Me - Chapter 2 | 4-3-08
The neighborhood pool is the social scene for most people, but it's also the stage for mother/daughter conflict in the Keeney family.

March 2008

The Fire Within Me - Chapter 1 | 3-31-08
The fire, the anger, it’s like a muscle you have to realize and develop. This is the story of Marine's first flex and workout.

On Male, Drunken Violence | 3-17-08
Wherever you're out drinking, chances are there's a drunk guy ready and waiting to fight. What causes this compulsive, idiotic behavior?

February 2008

You're Dead, Fatboy! | 2-24-08
As a fat kid and a wrestler, Marine spent a lot of time hitting the mat. But nothing compared to the pain of wrestling a future UFC fighter.

January 2008

2007 Video Games of the Year | 1-9-08
From Halo 3 to Super Mario Galaxy, these were the best video game releases of 2007, including the award for Best Game of the Year.

December 2007

Please Do Not Save the Drowning Dolphins | 12-12-07
The winless Miami Dolphins have done for NFL football what the fat kid did for grade school kickball: provided an endless source of mockery.

November 2007

Popular Facebook Application Reviews | 11-23-07
Hard-hitting reviews, grades (A to F), and photos of popular Facebook applications and the misery or benefit they provide.

Facebook Pictures: The Height of Voyeurism | 11-4-07
Want to track someone's life without ever having to put up with them? Welcome to Facebook Photos, where spying is as easy as tagging!

October 2007

Slutty Halloween Costume Theories | 10-21-07
A girl's Halloween costume can tell you a lot about how she is in the sack. That should give you plenty more reason to stare.

Enforced Amenorrhea in 2008! | 10-14-07

Even bleeding vagina liberals would agree, the only true hot button election issue for 2008 is stemming the red tide.

If Halo 3 Was a Woman, I Would Marry Her | 10-7-07
Video games, like women, have gotten more expensive over time. Eventually, you get tired of playing both, and have to settle down.

September 2007

Why Movie Remakes and Sequels Suck | 9-19-07
Today's remakes and sequels are centered on nothing but cashing in on their predecessors. Too bad that cash cow's always milked out.

Official Guide to Going Back to College | 9-17-07
Make the most out of your return to school by paring down your friends, pimping out your wardrobe, and pumping up your game plan.

Love Stinks | 9-3-07
At some anti-evolutionary point in history, a highly abstract concept known as "love" came into play and ruined all of Darwin's work.

August 2007

The Land Before Instant Porn Load Times | 8-27-07
The internet's come a long way since we waited on girls pixel by agonizing pixel. But do we finally have too much of a good thing?

The Lab Rats and the Eye Piper | 8-8-07
Naturally, drawing blood samples from a rat's eye without a needle doesn't sit well with the rat. Only one intern set out to spare them.

The White Rhino and the Honey Bird Nuggets | 8-6-07
An unconventional drug dealing method leaves the Rhino's dad with a free stash. Let's hope he doesn't know real weed from fake weed.

Jesus and Berg Pull a Fast One | 8-1-07
Dry season in Potheadville calls for drastic measures. But can two high schoolers manage to get a sack of weed from the mother of Jesus?

July 2007

Jesus and the Dragon Bong | 7-29-07
The rise and fall of the legendary smoking device and its greedy, hippie owner who eventually paid the price for stoning the neighborhood.

How to Crash a Party | 7-18-07
Do your research, show up late, and don't forget to come bearing gifts of drugs or alcohol. Congratulations, you're deep in unknown territory.

My Life as a Eunuch | 7-15-07
When you remove from a man the desire to have sex on an hourly basis, you get some surprisingly revelations from two clear heads.

This Column is Rated Family Un-Friendly | 7-11-07
If women are out working alongside the men, who's at home raising the kids? We may as well all be living in a pineapple under the sea.

Overtime at the Hospital | 7-2-07
Post-surgery means a lot of horrible hospital food, tubes in tight places, and balloons without nitrous. Yuck, ouch, booooring.

June 2007

Open Heart Perjury | 6-24-07
Don't be surprised if the hospital staff treats you like a first grader and tells you a few half-truths. Besides, it's just open heart surgery.

Punnany Econ 101 | 6-20-07
At their core, relationships are nothing more than an exchange of goods and services. Here's how to achieve an economy of scale.

Women for Dummies! | 6-10-07
Volumes of literature, prose, and philosophy have been aimed at understanding women. None has come close to this 3-step process.

Tum-Tum and the Pirate Whore | 6-3-07
Raging whores learn the hard way from T.T. Allibaster: leave your phone lying around and daddy may find himself in the sexual know.

May 2007

Beer Goggles 2.0 | 5-27-07
Not even girls are immune to beer goggles. Except that the female kind affects their conceptualization of how they look while they’re dancing.