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Overtime at the Hospital
>>> Against Your Will
By staff writer
Jonathan Marine
July 2, 2007
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It's been a long week my friends. But I am back and better than
ever. Kinda. I mean I was
technically dead for a short period last week, so I’m trying to
look at this like a whole new life. My old one is over—no more work,
bills, responsibilities or any other inane bullshit. I am on to
bigger and better things, like morphine.
That said, I can't really say for sure if things are better than ever because
I'm only six days old at this point. But boy, I am waaaaaay ahead of the game
this time. Last lifetime, when I was six days old I wasn't doin’ shit. I am
making BIG MOVES over here people. Big moves. Unfortunately, I am on a computer
that runs an operating system known as Vista, so I am banging out this column in
an email to Court and letting him deal with its quality/length/grammatical
correctness. That's right, the new Marine is reckless. Not's to be fucked with.
A goddamn bandito.
"Catheters are the devil’s
handiwork. Who the fuck came up with the idea to cram a tube down
your penis?" You get a lot of balloons in the hospital, and I
often wonder why that is. What is it about a balloon or a stuffed
animal or flowers that are supposed to make you feel better? I think
we should make minor changes to these practices as follows: fill the
balloons with nitrous; give actual pygmy bears, elephants, and
platypi (I have ALWAYS wanted to say platypi); and only bring plants
that are drugs, such as marijuana, peyote, khat, and poppy. Then, my
friends, we would be getting somewhere. I don't want to sound
unappreciative for all the kind gestures people have made coming by
my room with useless shit, but damn man, what I really need are some
psychedelics and a pygmy panda!
Hospital food is terrible. I
don't even know where in the hell they get this shit. I feel like
they go through more time, effort and money trying to figure out how
to make the shittiest fucking food possible than they would paying
someone to walk to Panera to get me lunch. In fact I’m sure of it. I
was served a meal of ice cream, pudding, grape juice, a Popsicle,
and tea every day for lunch, five days in a row. I’m in
a place infused with more doctors and other health and nutrition
experts than anywhere else, and this is the best they can come up
with? Not to jump on the whole Michael Moore bandwagon, but steps
need to be taken to remedy this situation. This shit is just not
cutting it my friends.
Catheters are the devil’s handiwork. Who the fuck came up with the idea to
cram a tube down your penis/vagina into your bladder so you pee directly into a
bag? I'll tell you who, someone who didn't have fucking genitalia or plans to
procreate on this earth.
I'll leave you with this final token. I have
always been told my semen tastes good. I know this probably sounds ridiculous,
and I tend to agree, but I have had endorsements across the board from a wide
spectrum of subjects who have, for the most part, all commented on its
palatability. I have been told it's because I
eat a lot of chocolate, but who the fuck really knows, or cares. I sure
don't have to deal with that shit that's for sure.
Anyway, shortly after getting out of surgery I was lucky enough to procure
some head. I won't walk you through the incredible experience that is being in
excruciating pain while cumming, but I will tell you I am getting closer to
giving this bondage shit a go. Anyway, after I came the girl spat it out and
told me it tasted like 3-day-old fat-free ranch. The feeling of
cumming while in pain was shortly eclipsed by the overwhelming experience of
laughing my ass off while jostling my recently sawed-through sternum for a solid
ten minutes. Whoda thunk?!?!
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| Jonathan Marine graduated in 2005 from the University of Maryland Baltimore County with a B.A. in psychology. While the overriding consensus of people who know him is that he's an outright asshole, his many notable life accomplishments include, but are not limited to: learning to ride a bike, making it totally socially acceptable to shave your head, winning multiple state championships in competitive speed-walking, and coining the phrase "dolphin fucking." |
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