I have a lot of friends. Well, let me rephrase: I know a lot of people who don’t want to kill me. Much better. Half of my friends are guys. That’s too many. All any guy needs is four male friends. One to pick up ladies. One to drive. One to let you know all the crucial sports information you might have missed. And one to take the blame when things go south. God bless that guy. I’d be doin’ solitary in Montreal if it weren’t for that fine upstanding gentleman.

Anyway, most of my guy friends at one time or another have had a girlfriend. Except for my weird friend from high school who refuses to do anything about his odor problem, which has just been upgraded from nuisance and is wandering into “FUCKIN’ DISASTER” territory. I’ve seen my friends grow from relationship to relationship, and all too often I see the greatest scourge one can witness of a dear friend: the curse of the whipped.

Every guy is in some way whipped to a point, and will be until they invent a vagina attachment for the PS2. I’m not talking about that. I mean the guy who would lay down in traffic for his woman while she’s driving a semi. Here are ten signs your best pal is whipped and needs your help.

Ten Signs Your Best Pal is Whipped

1. The Hip-Attachment

He never goes anywhere without her. Bars. Strip clubs. Bruins games. The urologist. It’s a particular problem when she’s the only girl, because it completely throws off the whole dynamic of “the guys.” You can’t get as drunk. The jokes can’t be as dirty. And suddenly you realize your guy friends are fuckin’ boring without beer and titty humor.

2. The Cash Cow

You ever go somewhere with your friend, and he always feels the need to buy her something. “Oh that reminds me of Sally. Oh I must buy it.” You know who this guy is? This is the guy who always “forgets” that it’s his turn to buy a round of drafts, cuz he’s broke paying for his fiend of a woman.

3. The Moral Affliction

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If you ever have the following dialogue with a friend, drive him to the state house and force him to return his testicles, he doesn’t deserve them:

“Wow look at the ass on that!”
“Yeah, she is slammin’. I’d tap that shit!”
“Come on guys. Show a little respect.”

Show a little respect? Listen, I don’t know many things, but let me tell you this. Girls like that, they live for it. Oh, they try to fool you with remarks of “pig” and “slob” and “here’s a restraining order.” But they love it. Why else do girls wear jeans two sizes too short and six inch heels. Oh, for comfort? Get out of your fantasy world.

4. The PDA

Public displays of affection are the most earnest ways of destroying your friendships with others. If you are surrounded by others, you may not kiss, or even hold hands (what, is she going to fall down?). And please, if one of your friends does something stupid, DO NOT do that thing where you smile and hug each other as if to say, “God, we’re so much better than that.” That’s how killing sprees start.

5. The Possessor

Some guys date girls who don’t have names, at least according to them. This occurs when you hear bits of dialogue like this:

“My girlfriend is going bass fishing.”
“My girlfriend’s been to Paris.”
“My girlfriend’s rash finally cleared up.”

Stop saying “my girlfriend.” It’s irritating and makes the poor unsuspecting woman sound like your latest novelty item. Not that there’s anything wrong with objectifying woman, but when you’re using it strictly as a means of self-pleasing, jerking off if you will, it’s lame and contrived.

6. The Denial

It’s such a grave insult to be called whipped that many guys claim they are not. “I’m not whipped motherfucker, I’LL KILL YOU! PLEASE BELIEVE ME! PLEASE BELIEVE ME! Ahh shit, baby just paged me, if I leave now, I can make it in time to massage her bunyans. AND I’M NOT FUCKING WHIPPED!!!”

7. The Uggo Complex

Now it’s one thing to be whipped if your girlfriend is cute. I mean, if you have a nice car, a Ferrari perhaps, you want to keep it happy—oil changes, lube jobs, other auto terms as sexual innuendo metaphors. But if you’re driving an ’86 shitbox, who gives a shit if you use the Premium? In conclusion, if your bitch isn’t better than unleaded, she ain’t worth spending the extra time and money on the Plus. (Side note: 7,642 women just left this website after that line.)

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8. The Life Changer

The saddest thing I’ve ever seen was a friend of mine who converted to being a Yankee fan because his girlfriend was. Damn tragedy. Made “Schindler’s List” look like an episode of Mr. Bean. You do not change your ideals for a woman. Oh, sure you can change in little ways: start showering, doing laundry, stop trying to molest your dog. But you do not change interests, hobbies, and religions. And yes, the Red Sox are a religion. And Yankee fans are Satanists.

9. The Hoover

It’s a terrible thing to lose a friend. But some guys do it to themselves. There are only so many times you can call a guy to come hang out and have him blow you off. Guys do not like getting blown by other guys, unless you’re in prison or Maryland. I’m sorry, but Maryland is a really gay state.

10. The Lazarus

Some guys live like the Hoover for a few years, but time goes by and they eventually leave the princess of Darkness, and want to return to the group. Here are the four criteria for allowing a former Hoover back into the Circle.

A) From here on out, the ex will be referred to as “The Beast.”
B) He owes everyone a beer for their troubles.
C) He must catch up, by himself, with no help from Sports Nut Guy, on all the information he missed while his dick was imprisoned.
D) He treats everyone to a hooker.

If you know or care about someone who is being whipped, please call 1.800.PUSSY.WHIPPED.BITCH. Because no one should live like that.

*The preceding was paid for by the Save Your Buddy From The Whip Foundation.

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