Sean: How’s life treating you?
Nathan: Like I burned its entire album collection.
Sean: Wow. That’s probably a big collection.

Women, let’s face facts here.  Most of you are bitches.  And as such, most of you like to have the upper hand in any relationship.  That’s not easily done because we men are bigger, stronger, more stubborn and typically unwilling to yield power.  But women, well, y’all are smarter and more emotional than us.  And you care more about your status in a relationship so you have the upper hand when it comes to strategy and timing.  But some of you, for whatever reasons, still haven’t learned how to turn your man into a whipped sad sack. 

And that’s where I come in.  You see, I pay attention to this kind of stuff.  It’s kind of my thing. 

Emasculating your man will not happen too quickly.  For the most part, you women are not attracted to the kind of man who is close to his emotions, and as such, it will take a little time to take a strong, stubborn asshole and make him into a little bitch.  But you can do it.  After all, you’ve got the time.

Step 1: Get Him to Love You

Women, it is impossible to emasculate a male without first getting him emotionally involved with you.  Now, if you’re dating the kind of guy who cries at movies and falls in love with every chick he bangs, this should be so easy it’s not even worth actively trying to get the sad sack to fall in love with you.  He’ll probably do it anyway the first time you kiss. 

But, if you’re dating a confident, attractive man who has a successful history with women, you’ll need to make yourself stand out from the pack.  The way to do this is not to be a typical female.  Men expect women to be money-grubbing, materialistic, lazy and overtly emotional.  If you actually prove that you can be cool under pressure, great in bed, spiritual and understanding all at once, odds are that eventually the poor fucker will say that he loves you. 

And that’s when you got the son of a bitch. 

Step 2: Control the Visitation

Now that you’ve got the stupid asshole walking on air, it’s time to bring him back down to the hard ground.  The first thing you do is tell the guy that you need to reevaluate the relationship and ask for space.  This way, the asshole learns the harsh and simple lesson that it is up to you to decide when (and for that matter, if) you two will be together. 

(Ladies, you must be careful here.  Many men know that the need for space simply signals the beginning of the end.  A lot of men simply take the break, go bang someone else, forget about you and move on.  So be careful how you approach this.  A good thing to remember is timing.  You want to pull this stunt while he’s at a high point in his life.  This is the mistake women often make.  When you pull this garbage at a low point in a man’s life, he more than likely will see it as being kicked when he’s down and will consider you to be a heartless bitch who behaves like a typical female, thus causing you to lose the luster you worked so hard to achieve in Step 1.) 

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Now that you’ve used your free time to fuck old boyfriends and revisit your drug habits, it’s time to take the guy back.

Step 3: Qualify the Return

When you take the guy back, it is important to let him understand that the reason for the break was solely because you needed time to reevaluate the relationship and that he did not do anything wrong.  Shortly after you explain this, it is your job as a member of the confusing gender to tell him that you want him to change in pretty much every way.  If he takes you back and makes an effort to become a new person, then you know you’re on the path to complete and total emasculation.

But be careful.  Your man probably has friends who would like him to keep his balls.  You need to find a way around this. 

Step 4: Eliminate the Competition

He’s already listening to you about the clothes he wears, the job he holds, and the car he drives at this point, so now it’s time to work on his friends.  Those Dorito munching, pot smoking, bowling buddies of his will constantly keep trying to get him drunk, take him to strip clubs and other places where he can have a good fucking time.  A man who can get a good time anywhere won’t rely on you to feel good.  And if that happens, your goal of total emasculation will not be reached.  So you need to eliminate those bozos. 

The best way to get a man’s friends out of his life is to mention how creepy they are, how you feel as if they’re aiming to rape you.  Get all emotional and freaked out about even being near them.  Not only will he hang out with them less, but he’ll start to be suspicious of their behavior, thus leaving the friendships in question and likely to be eliminated. 

Now that total emasculation has been achieved, it’s time to dump the loser. 

Step 5: The Breakup

Face it, how can you respect a guy who lets a woman treat him like this?  I mean, a man needs to be a man.  And you deserve someone with a spine, right?  I mean, why would any self-respecting woman date a man with no self-respect? 

Clearly, it’s time to cheat on him and dump him.  If he’s really still in love maybe you can make him cry.  And if he married you, maybe you can take half his shit.  After all, you worked long and hard to remove his spine and balls.  You deserve payment, dammit. 

Men are responsible for pretty much all the evils in the world-all the wars, most of the weapons and even most of the hate was created by our gender.  We’re kind of dumb like that.  By doing your best to emasculate the men of this world, you women help separate the strong ones from the weak ones and make it easier for our society to learn who we can trust and who’s a punk little bitch that keeps his balls in his woman’s purse.  Emasculating a male does not make you a bad person.  It just makes you normal.

Oh, but seriously.  Don’t do any of this to anyone if you really love them.  You’ll only be hurting yourself in the end.

And I’m not talking about anal.

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