Guys, before I get into what you should and should not do, let me start by saying that I am giving you all the benefit of the doubt, for fairness sake. Instead of assuming that you are all unattractive, alcoholic, misogynistic, stalkers (which, in reality, is what most women will assume you are until they get to know you), I will assume that you are all handsome, caring, respectful gentlemen. You have good hygiene. Your bedroom doesn’t have Carmen Electra posters or leopard print sheets. You have an amicable relationship with your mother, ex-girlfriends, and your little brother. You aren’t addicted to porn, pot, or live video games. You graduated at the top of your class and now you’re looking for that girl to settle down with, at least for a little while.

Creepy guy-dog combination
To 98% of women, you’re just a dog on the street trying to bury his bone. Too bad the pavement won’t crack.
That’s a good start. In fact, it’s a way better start than the majority of you have in real life, so if you’re smart you might want to begin reevaluating whether or not you need to shower, change your sheets, throw out your bong, or call your mother before we go any further.

Now that we’ve got that covered, I regret to inform you that you are fighting a losing battle. I’m not saying you don’t have a chance at not coming off creepy, but…well, it isn’t a big chance. If you want to get to know a girl off the street—I’m talking the cold approach where you don’t have a mutual class or friend to fall back on—you will have to prove yourself, and quickly.

If you want to salvage any chance of talking to us when meeting someone is on the menu, don’t screw yourself over by annoying us when it’s not.There is an entire part of being a woman that you could not possibly understand, simply because you are a man. Sorry. For starters, we don’t want to be harassed. I don’t care how much you think we like being whistled at, fondled, or followed—we don’t. In fact, it creeps us out. We don’t know you. Sure, maybe you are Mr. Innocent. Maybe you really do think that we’re the most beautiful women you’ve ever seen in your life, and maybe if we smile back at you by the time we turn around, your limo will scoop us up and you’ll make all of our wildest dreams come true. Or maybe you’re a psychotic rapist who becomes the reason we need to change our phone number and delete our Facebook account. Not really worth the risk.

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The first thing you need to know is that we might just not be interested. The reason doesn’t matter; if we’re out one night and meeting a guy is not on the agenda, then it’s not on the agenda, and it’s not going to be on the agenda, and no matter how many drinks you offer to buy us, or how many times you try to maneuver your way between us and whichever one of our friends we’re dancing with, all you’re going to do is piss us off. Maybe we’re on our period, maybe we got turned down for a job, maybe our dog has an ear infection, it doesn’t matter. If you want to salvage any chance of talking to us when meeting someone is on the menu, don’t screw yourself over by annoying us when it’s not.

Next, first impressions are important. Some girls really do believe in "love at first sight." Personally, I think it’s bullshit, but for all of the girls who do, chances are they aren’t going to fall in love if at first sight you’re wearing a wife beater, a visor, or a shirt that says "I’m with Stupid" on it. Once you’ve determined that you don’t look like a total douchebag, I beg of you, please try to be perceptive. You look like a totally respectable gentlemen; there isn’t anything about you that screams creep. So read the girl’s body language. Women are communicating all the time, and a majority of the time you can tell exactly what they’re trying to communicate based simply on what you can see.

If you’ve ever had a girlfriend, she doesn’t need to walk up to you and tap you on the shoulder to say, "I’m pissed at you, asshole." In fact, if you’ve been in this situation before and asked her, "Is something wrong?" She will most likely say, "No, I’m fine." If you were to ignore her other forms of communication and base your assessment only on the verbal, you might just say, okay, she’s fine. Usually all that this verbal communication does is reinforce the non-verbal signs that she wants to kick you in the balls and throw your iPhone against a wall. If you ask a girl a question and she gives you a one-word answer and then turns away, that means she doesn’t want to talk to you. If you compliment her and she smiles and then ignores you, she’s not interested. This isn’t a time to assume you know her better than she knows herself, believe her, she’s just not that into you. If a girl makes eye contact with you, touches you, compliments you, or responds to anything you say with more than a one-word answer, congratulations, you’ve got an in.

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This non-verbal communication transcends the first time that you chat and is something that you should carefully consider throughout your further communications. If you call a girl and she doesn’t pick up, don’t call her again. Sure, go ahead and leave a voicemail, that way if you run into her you can at least determine if she got your call or not, but do not call her again. Every single one of my friends has a horror story about some guy she gave her phone number to, usually followed by grimaces and scoffs from the other girls. "Why did you even give him your phone number in the first place…what were you thinking? Were you completely wasted or just stupid?" Because this guy then called her eight times in three days, sent fifteen text messages, and is now standing outside of her favorite bar waving and smiling as she quickly does a u-turn and looks for the nearest exit.

You do not want to be that guy. Girls will stop going out because of that guy, making the chance even slimmer that you will meet an attractive, smart, halfway decent woman. Trust me, you would much rather be the guy who the girl is sitting by the phone for, waiting to get a call from, than the guy programmed into her phone as "DO NOT ANSWER."

Good luck, the ball’s in your court.