Let’s be honest. A common motif in society is that being a nerd is super-gay. Not like "blowing-your-best-friend-in-the-back-of-a-micro-electric-car" gay, but like "knowing-how-an-electric-car-works" gay. From an evolutionary perspective, intelligence has started to become sexy, but unfortunately, residual Darwinian mechanisms for detecting genetic superiority based on superficial factors, such as physical prowess, resource display, and really cool goatees still inherently drive our cultural standards of attractiveness. While some of us win the genetic lottery and don’t have to put forth any effort into attracting mates, the rest of us have to develop a personality to get ass and forget names. That is unless, of course, we can find more innovative ways to circumvent verbal communication.

Sex on your brainThe problem lies in this: We both have to convince women that intellectual capability, creativity, and full-rimmed glasses WITH lenses are more important traits than cultural standards of masculinity, AND deal with the fact that even if they consciously concede to that point, they still have underlying mechanisms driving them towards dating some douche taking iPhone pics in the mirror of his parents’ master bedroom. As much as women want to pretend they’d worship you if you acted like you came out of Fifty Shades of Grey (or just read it) or recited a Shakespearean sonnet, the likelihood that you’ll become privy to their carnal secrets without genuine rape (?) is largely determined by varying conditions within the woman’s environment, hormonal cycle, and her initial perceptions of you. Spiderman didn’t court MJ until she forgot he was just that guy who rode Big Brown or whatever; Screech Powers never truly got Lisa Turtle out of her shell (on-set at least); and my Doug Funnie action figure doesn’t even have a penis.

The good news is that we know what cues women are unconsciously driven by, as well as some of the situations that are more conducive to the release of your inner Bonaduce. Kevin Federline? Rasputin?!

To avoid the perception of sexist undertones in this article, I’ve included tips for women to find men ad addendum.

For Men to Get Women

1. Don’t do dope.

2. Do dope.

Theory suggests that religious aversion to drugs is based on the belief that drug use is correlated to sexual frivolity. Apparently blood with high alcohol content is exempt. Trying drugs is an expression of seeking novelty, of which intelligent people are more propended to take part in. Intelligent people also show higher rates of every sexual behavior, also an expression of novelty-seeking. Push the psychological envelope; she might let you mail it in her box. Wow.

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3. Wear red.

A study by Rochester University revealed that women rated men wearing red as more attractive than in other colors. It’s suggested that red is a sign of power, and men perceived as more powerful are more useful mates. It also begs the question, "What did women think of Clifford the Big Red Dog’s big red rocket?"

4. Look at boobs.

The science of sex in the universeA German researcher in the New England Journal of Medicine published a study touting the positive effects of looking at D-cup or larger breasts for 10 minutes a day. The study done on over 200 men over 5 years concluded that looking at pictures of women with breasts the size of Chris Christie’s lowers blood pressure and can increase lifespan by 5 years; this showed similar effects as doing 30 minutes of cardio daily. Basically, ogling the woman next to you while you’re on the treadmill for 30 minutes is what Ponce de Leon was searching for in earnest.

5. Don’t look at boobs (if you’re thinking about joining the military).

I’m making the gross assumption that "supporting the troops" includes not wanting them to be shot at by all the bad guys Indiana Jones let slip by, but I’m fully aware that most of America still asserts to the notion of bandanas, striped flags, and fireworks saying "I’m on your side" like arguing on behalf of their well-being never could. The University of Hong Kong found that men who viewed pictures of attractive women were more likely to support pro-war stances. Apparently, the thin red line was drawn in lipstick and Helen of Troy was on the Halliburton payroll with Dick Cheney.

6. Ask your female friends to pretend they’re attracted to you.

The University of Central Lancashire published a study that revealed women deem men more attractive after seeing another woman smile at the man first. Like no Hispanic man has ever said, "A smile is worth a thousand dabs of designer cologne."

7. Don’t smile.

Despite life being awesome relative to everyone else, white hipster kids have mastered the ingenious sexual ploy of appearing solemn. They may be worthless for anything but a brief history of bands that aren’t cool anymore because they’re famous and melodramatizing first-world problems, but those little, malnourished fucks are on to something. The University of British Columbia discovered women find men least attractive when they are smiling. So next time you’re feeling ecstatic and can’t control the urge to crack a smile, remember, "White suburban parents just don’t understand."

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8. Move to a country in a recession.

The "lipstick effect"—the concept that women buy more cosmetic products during harsh economic times—has been anecdotally reported by the likes of L’Oreal and Estee Lauder, among other companies. Recently, an article published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology suggested that women revert to a short-term mating strategy when men with resources become scarce. This is important as women are usually highly unlikely to date below their level of income or education. That Romney/Ryan ticket is starting to look more promising.

9. Don’t allow access to the pill.

Rick Santorum argued that ubiquitous access to hormonal contraception is bad because it leads to increased pregnancies. Although that may sound strange to most, he also believes that virginity leads to increased chance of pregnancy in the Bible. Parthenogenesis aside, he does make a point without realizing it. In On The Other Side Of Normal, Jordan Smoller talks about women’s sexual behaviors in times of peak fertility. All of the benefits we men reap from women being primed for baby-making—likelihood of infidelity, libido, perceived attractiveness of other males—are reduced by contraceptive use…except reported jealousy. Perceptively, Rick Santorum really doesn’t want women to use contraceptive because he’s preparing for a divorce. Promising to annul all gay marriages wasn’t the easiest way to ask for it, though.

10. Join a church.

A study in the Journal of Experimental Psychology documented that men and women professed more piety when they perceived more attractive members of the same sex in their community. No homo. When views on sexual morality and the family were controlled, or the correlation between other moral values and religious attendance were nonexistent. Therefore, it is supported that not only is religion used as a mating strategy, but conservative views on sex and the family are a CAUSE of religious attendance, not a result of it. Ultimately, both men and women are more likely to engage in religious activity and aim for a reduction in the sexual frivolity of the opposite gender when we perceive that there’s attractive competition around. So even hating gays is kind of gay.

For Women to Get Men

1. Have boobs and a vagina.

Yeah.

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