Let’s be honest, some shit is just gay. There’s a neurophysiological mechanism that easily reveals to us when we see something out of the ordinary, idiosyncratic, queer, gay. In America, being gay or homosexual doesn’t describe an action, but rather an identity to which you are appointed socially by taking that action. So, in turn, when somebody does something that falls within the confines of this operational definition of what constitutes gay—limp wrist, drives a Prius, eats pita bread, admits to crying at the end of Beaches—we automatically assume they’re gay…sometimes.
"It’s gotten hakuna ma-hotta in here since you showed up, Leo."
Let’s be honest, we’re all a little bit gay, right? In life there are rarely absolutes, and a study done on erection strength in men viewing pornography revealed that those most likely to be homophobic showed a higher erectile response to gay porn than straight men who did not vehemently oppose homosexual behavior. The only difference between the classification of straight men (excluding Tom Selleck) and gay men is the objectivity of our self-reflection. In our evolutionary history—and in most of nature—static, concrete sexual orientations just aren’t found.
Bonobos use homosexual behaviors for conflict resolution. Lions use homosexual behavior to solidify pride alliances (they also make the choice of Elton John for the Lion King soundtrack extremely suitable). We still entertain many of these drives and desires. Although stigmatized today, even if we don’t act upon them (or even if I do and take a picture of my dick covered in clothespins and send it to Barry Manilow because I love him), they’re still present.
Action films are just a bunch of guys getting together to sit in awe of another man’s abs as he flexes his biceps to pick up that AR-15.Listen, there’s no hiding that all of us—specifically males for the purpose of the article—do way gayer shit than what we attribute to homosexuals. If we peel back the force field of our reaction formations and peer into the nature and purpose of some male behaviors heralded as "straight as an arrow jammed up an Apache’s ass," we’d easily recognize a lot of the things we do as men are as gay as fruit cup substitutions for hash browns at Denny’s.
1. Play Fantasy Football
Check out his inter-scepter.
Do you remember in high school when we used to kick the kids’ asses who played with Pokemon cards? Well, if you just replace your Blastoise with an unnaturally muscular man whose body was attained by getting a needle jammed in his ass by another muscle-ridden athlete right outside of a group shower facility before taking a field to put on white skinny jeans where aggressive black men gang up on the white protagonist of the opposing team, and then replace the nerds with yourself, you’ve got fantasy football… and a Gavin Pitt hard-on.
2. Watch Action Movies
Complete an experiment for me: next time you watch The Transporter, or Troy, or Love and Other Drugs (fuck, how’d that get in there?), make a tally of every time one of your male friends—or yourself—makes a comment on the physique of the lead male character when shown shirtless and watch your piece of paper end up looking like someone trying to copy down the I Ching from memory.
Let’s be honest, unless it’s the new Michael Bay Bang Shoot Pow Explosion Hot Supporting Actress flick, action films are just all-male viewing parties of softcore snuff. It’s just a bunch of guys getting together to sit in awe of another man’s abs as he flexes his biceps to pick up that AR-15 or throw that metallic, pointy phallus at a bad man who deserves to be punished, maybe even spanked? Who knows.
3. Take Shits
Have you ever had a friend come up to you to escort you by chariot to his porcelain throne with the sound of French horns and the pitter patter of nosy townspeople trying to get a glimpse at the magnitude of his shit? Men are terrified of getting something shoved up their ass, but if the migration starts in the opposite direction they want to tell the world from a mountain like it was a goddamned York Peppermint Patty. What they don’t realize is that all they’re actually saying is, "Look at the size of what I can fit in my ass."
4. Drive Trucks
The Dodge Ram owner’s kit includes sunglasses, a cut off, wire cutters to ensure non-functional turn signals, and an overwhelming sense of pride in having never accomplished anything. Guys, I understand the whole obsession women have with men who are mysterious, but maybe carrying around a Kurt Vonnegut novel in the passenger seat would be more practical than trying to incite ponderings in fellow drivers as to which way you could possibly be turning. I don’t know how any of that is really gay, but get the fuck off the road.
5. Join the Boy Scouts
"I don’t always grab large shafts, but when I do they’re always black."
Chuck Norris, the apotheosis of manliness in our country, recently went on a website disparaging the President’s position on allowing homosexuals in the Boy Scouts. He outlined his theory that Obama was slowly trying to infiltrate the organization, and without consent, repeatedly thrust his vision of America’s future into it. He iterated all of this on Ammoland.com, a website that I’m sure has never harbored conspiracy theories before, nor is filled with a bunch of guys who watch eagerly at the horror America is becoming because they know the black guy always dies first.
Really the only thing that I can fathom gayer than allowing gays in the Boy Scouts is, well, just being in the Boy Scouts. Whatever happened to the good ol’ days when we used to round up fags in uniforms and scarves with participation medals, hold them down, and chop off their hair? Now a group of adults rounds up a bunch of misanthropic kids, teaches them the Cootie Theory of female anatomy, and sets the mood with three-chord campfire love songs about another guy—Jesus—who was likely the proprietor of the first boy band. In all honesty, a black guy getting up inside them would probably be the least gay thing going on.