Dear Fugly,

I recently started dating a stripper. It has been great because she's gotten me hella props from my homeys. But Fugly, there is a problem. My Mindy is a little loose below the belt. I'm of pretty average size, bigger than a pencil rod at least, and every time we have sexual relations it feels like I am humping a warm bucket of oatmeal. Read More »

Dearest Fugs,

Have you been reading the news?! Last month a student from Bangor University found a 400-year-old clam and proclaimed it to be the longest-lived animal known to science. Do you feel like this old clam I trying to steal your thunder?!

Smooches,
Adam Read More »

Dear Fugly,

I find Kim Kardashian's ass to be alluring, yet a disgusting blob at the same time. It seems to be attractive under those sexual pencil skirts, but whenever she's at the beach, that mysterious rump is covered beneath a sarong. Just what is going on under there? More importantly, do I want to know what lies beneath the fabric? Read More »

Dear Fugly,

Why is it that everyone is content to get married, buy a house, and squirt out some babies? None of these things sound appealing to me. I want to answer the call of the wild, throw my money away on rent, and hump anything with a boner and a pulse. Fugly, please tell me about your unique lifestyle choices.

Hugs,
Ann Read More »

Dear Fugly,

My BF is nice most of the time, but lately he's been going into his "cave." The "cave" is described in Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus as a place men retreat to so they can feel like a "me" instead of part of a "we." Read More »

Dear Fugly,

I don't like wearing underwear. Boxers, briefs, they're just not for me. I truly savor the liberation of a freely swinging scrotum, but lately there's been a problem. With these sizzling summer months upon us, I find that my little kiwis stick to my thigh. It's very uncomfortable, what should I do? Read More »

Hey Fugly,

My ex-girlfriend Bette and I broke up a while ago, but since she's a broke-ass ho and we live in San Francisco (which is hecka expensive) she's been unable to find a place of her own. Fugly, it's been 4 effing months. I own "our" place, so I can't go anywhere. Read More »

Yo Fug-rock,

My girlfriend isn't the same person she was when we started dating. She is still nice, kind, funny, and a wild cat in the sack (a real giver, if you know what I mean) but she is a good 70 pounds thicker now. I've tried being subtle about my concerns, putting coupons for Lean Pockets on the refrigerator, but she ignores them and has a four-order of T-Bell Gorditas for dinner anyway. Read More »

Hey Fugly,

My boyfriend was texting some skankasaurous, so I grabbed his phone and bitch-slapped him. He then proceeded to beat the shit out of me and drag me out of the car by my weave. Read More »

Dear Fugly,

I'm looking for an apartment but the shitty economy has left me very poor. I recently read an ad on Craigslist offering a free studio. The only catch is that I would have to give the landlord a weekly "exotic massage"—whatever that is. Fugly, should I take the apartment? Do you think it's safe? Read More »

Um Fug,

We need to talk... I had a great time last weekend and I think you are a great, ergh, date. I know things moved a little fast, probably because you were buying me all those Jager shots. I just want to say before I go any further that I like you as a... in a... hole. Read More »

Dear Fugly,

My birth control is discoloring the skin above my upper lip and it looks like I have a mustache. I've tried several different brands, but they all have the same effect. It looks really bad, almost like I have a permanent Dirty Sanchez. Any advice?

Love,
Shannon Read More »

Dear Fugly,

I've been nagging my boyfriend for years to propose and I think it might finally happen this Valentine's Day. We're going to my favorite restaurant in the whole world, The Old Adobe! I'm prepared to act surprised when I find a ring in my flan, the only problem is, what if he doesn't pop the question? I will be filled with a bloodthirsty rage, and I'm afraid I might hurt him. Fugly, how do I control my anger if I don't get engaged? Read More »