These are my demands:

  1. I want to sleep on your couch naked.
  2. I want to drink all your beer and puke in your laundry basket.
  3. I want to cut holes in your family photos and have sex with them.
    Family photo inside a picture frame
  4. I want you to upgrade your cable so I can watch the premium channels.
  5. I want to kill myself in your bathtub with a hair dryer and hide a note blaming you.
  6. I want to cook and eat one of your pets.
  7. I want to burn all your pants in the middle of the floor while you're sleeping.
  8. I want you to hold me and tell me that the demons will go away.
    Old man being awakened by a female demon hag
  9. I want to pelt you with soup cans while you pretend to be my father.
  10. I want a dollar.
  11. I want bubble gum ice cream with sprinkles.
  12. I want an oil painting of myself over your mantelpiece.
  13. I want you to write me a poem in a language you do not speak.
  14. I want you to remove one of your kidneys with a pen knife and give it to me as a present.
  15. I want a pair of underwear from every teacher you ever had, starting with kindergarten.
  16. I want a tiger with wheels for feet.
  17. I want a dashboard statue of Jesus carved out of crack cocaine.
    Cocaine Jesus statue
  18. I want you to explain quantum physics to me in the form of an illustrated rhyming children's book.
  19. I want you to give me a tattoo of a Picasso painting on my chest.
  20. I want you to move out of your house and let me have it.

I AM THE NEGATIVE ONE PERCENT.

COPERNICUS THUNDERBIRD, HOMELESS LUNATIC WIZARD

Join us at The Satire and Humor Festival in NYC Mar 22-24! Also check out upcoming comedy writing, improv and sketch classes at The Second City - 10% off with code PIC.